Dear Dude,
I’ve been dating this guy for a month now. It seems to be going well – we hang out twice a week and go on dates. But he just got out of a five-year relationship three months ago. He has told me that he isn’t ready for a relationship but “that doesn’t mean I’m going to ditch you anytime soon”. What the heck does that mean? Am I the rebound girl? He went on dates with a couple of girls before me so maybe he got it out of his system?
He’s sweet to me and says he likes my personality but I don’t know if guys really want immediate back to back serious relationships. I also just got out of a long-term relationship but I want that special connection with somebody again. Am I just meaningless filler for his broken heart and am I just putting myself in a clearly dead-end situation?
Sincerely,
Welcome to Rebound Central
Dear Welcome to Rebound Central,
You and your guy are both fresh off of long lasting relationships and you’re worried you’re his rebound gal while you’re willing to jump into something serious again. Are you just his rebound? Can this go anywhere but nowhere? The answers are painful, practical, but could be positive: Probably; and yes but don’t count on it.
It’s tough to hop out of one serious relationship into another. Some people are serially monogamous. It’s the only kind of relationship they feel comfortable in and so that’s what they get themselves into. They put in the work to make it last, sometimes against all logic and causing a lot of pain to themselves. Others will wait for someone they think that connection might be there with. They’ll hole themselves away from the dating scene for months at a time, go out once with somebody here or there, and then as soon as there’s a speckle of a spark THEN they get into “work mode.” And hey, that works for some.
Not everyone’s “good” at dating around. They don’t like the potential drama from a FWB, slambuddy, or casual hookup. It’s not appealing to them so they go for the gold and only settle on heavy duty relationships. I’ve dated some, I’ve known some, I don’t blame them. Either you’re built for BS that comes with dating around or you’re not.
Is it smart to jump within a couple months from one heartbreaking relationship into another one where you’re heart’s out there again? Conventional wisdom says NO FREAKING WAY! You need time to heal, adjust, get settled back into who you are now, years later after being defined as part of a “we” and needing to figure out who “me” is now. I think the person who can jump from one to the next, successfully, is an exception, not necessarily the rule. Can it be done? Sure. Is it usually the wisest course of action? OH, HELL NO!
Before we jump into him, let me ask you something: What’s the rush to get into another long-term relationship? Are you interested because you want a special connection or are you interested because you want a special connection with him? It’s a fine line but one you need to pay attention to. A question to chew on is all. This is easier said than lived but I’m saying it: Put yourself out there because you want something long-term with him, not just because you want to recapture that dynamic of being in a serious relationship. You’re talking about putting a lot of work and a lot yourself on the line. Make sure it’s not just because he’s a suitable replacement.
Phew, that’s out of the way. Now, he’s said he doesn’t want something serious but he likes you. Does that make you the rebound? Yes. Absolutely. Positively. So what? The rebound seems to get a bad rep. There’s nothing wrong with being someone’s rebound and nothing wrong with needing a rebound. Can a rebound evolve into something more serious? Of course! Don’t let the idea of being a rebound exclude the idea of developing a relationship.
As far as being “meaningless filler” for him…That’s going to depend on how things play out. Here’s the bottom line though, he’s set the boundaries for what he does and doesn’t want. He likes you. You make him happy. He’s told you he’s not ready to commit. Is that what you want? Sounds like you should make it clear what you want. Put your cards on the table and see how they line up against his. If then you decide you’re willing to take it one date at a time, one day at a time, you’ve both decided together. If you don’t feel like it’s worth the risk then fold your hand and move on.
Yes, you’re a rebound. Yes, he’s made it clear what he doesn’t want and what he does want. Now it’s your turn. From there, you can best decide what path you want to go down with him. If you don’t think you can tell him what you want then you’re not ready to be in a relationship with him. Simple as that.
Ball’s in your court,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
Check out past Ask A Dude posts here.
"Am I Just His Rebound? Is He Mine?" [Ask A Dude]
