If you’re like me, you’ve been struggling with dating. Going on date after date, kissing frog after frog. Then finding a squirrel to make out with when the frog got bored/wasn’t ready for a committed relationship. But, it turns out finding the man of your dreams is actually a lot easier than we originally thought. Just follow my simple guidelines detailed below and you’ll be cuddled up with a man deserving of your greatness. A man who is smart, thoughtful, a good listener, GREAT IN BED and also just an all around nice guy!
1. Go to your neighborhood witchcraft store and purchase an eye of newt, sage, thyme, lilacs, moonwort and a cauldron.
Pour the contents into the cauldron and create your magical love potion. Stir for three days straight. By the third day you’ll notice a delirium set in . The delirium means it’s working and you are ready for step two.
2. You’ve spent three days locked in your room, stirring away, so you’re now feeling eager/desperate for social interaction.
Plus your arms look great and you realize they need to be seen! Luckily the cauldron and potion you purchased came with a complimentary “love spell shirt” that says “Love Me…PLEASE!” You’re not sure if it’s the three days you’ve spent cooped up inside or the sweet smell of the potion that seems engrained in your fingers, but your initial thoughts of “this shirt reeks of desperation” are gone. Instead they’ve been replaced with thoughts like “MUST FIND HUMAN COUNTERPART” and also “some coffee would be nice.”
3. Wearing your new love shirt and feeling confident, you’re ready to take the day by storm and fall madly in love.
Head to your local coffee shop carrying a notebook and pen. Not only will this make you look intelligent, but it is necessary for step 4 and 5. Warning: It may be hard to get there on account of all the men flocking to you. This potion is strong and it works! Also you will be extremely tired from the potion stirring and lack of sleep.
4. At the coffee shop, you will spot the man of your dreams.
Order your drink loudly, confidently, so that all can hear. Also it is extremely important that you proudly display your notebook and tell everyone that you are there to write. You are the voice of a generation and you must be heard!
5. In your notebook begin to write the word “Love” over and over again.
When the man of your dreams comes over to ask what you’re writing say ” just some words of love” and show him the page you’ve filled with “love.” He will smile in a very strange/terrified way. Don’t worry, that just means he’s interested.
6. Pull him close to you.
This may be difficult because your arms have been depleted of their strength from all the writing and potion stirring, but that just shows him you need to be taken care of. Guys love that! He may pull away at first, but be persistent. If there is one thing you’ve learned from three days, sitting in your room, constantly watching over a boiling pot, stirring for hours on end, it’s persistence. When he begins to run away yell, “ARE YOU AFRAID OF LOVE?!”
7. And it is then that the spell works.
He’ll turn around and say, “Not anymore.” And now you have a boyfriend, a super awesome shirt, and a great story to tell your kids.
[Lead image via]