Going home for Thanksgiving is a welcome relief. At this point in the semester, you’re seriously considering murdering your not-boyfriend, your roommate(s), and your best friend, despite your almost-unconditional love for them. Finally, you have the perfect excuse to binge watch Netflix, binge eat pumpkin pie and everything else your mom brought home from the grocery store, all while fully hibernating to avoid running into a wide variety of high school frenemies.
Unfortunately, Thanksgiving break also means you have to see people you’d rather not interact with. Whether it’s your awkward adult cousin, your way-too-curious hairdresser, or your parents, it seems like suddenly your life is their new favorite Netflix drama, only far less exciting. The struggle is real — you’ve aged out of the system when it comes to the children’s table, but you’re not quite ready to discuss peace in the Middle East over the dinner table with your drunk uncle.
While the latest trend sweeping our fair nation is “Friendsgiving,” getting drunk with your friends over mashed potatoes doesn’t mean you can ignore your family over break. You’ll still get to experience all of the same political discord, until you’re sure you’re going to be sick, and not just from all that turkey.
If you’re forced to fend off the grown-ups of the world this holiday season, the best way to prepare is by knowing exactly what they’re going to say (which is easy enough, because adults have been asking the same questions for centuries).
1. “So, do you have a boyfriend?”
This will either be asked by your parents, grandparents, a well-meaning, but many times removed relative (unclear if you’re actually related), or your manicurist. You will smile, tell them you’re keeping your options open, and avoid letting them know that college d-bags are the bane of your existence. It’s unclear why grown-ups think they can ask about your romantic entanglements, because you certainly don’t ask your uncle about his third wife and what she’s like in the bedroom. Unfortunately, you’ll have to smile and nod while sneaking sips of wine to avoid a plethora of particularly odd questions about your personal life.
2. “What’s the party scene like?”
While you know that grown-ups want to live vicariously through you, you’re pretty sure your parental units don’t need a breakdown of the ridiculous amount of diseases that run rampant on campus, because it’s basically chock-full of Eskimo sisters. They certainly don’t need to know that the recipe for most Jungle Juice consists of liquor that could double as rubbing alcohol in case of emergencies (you’ve seen it happen), or that your favorite frat party of the semester is basically an excuse to take of all your clothes while frolicking in foam.
3. “I only see pictures of you out, never at the library.”
Why would I Instagram my textbooks? Sure, I’ll sometimes Insta my Starbucks cup in the library when they spell my name wrong, or the first PSL of the season, but when I’m in the library I’m usually wearing a shack shirt, norts, and last night’s makeup, glitter included. It’s not exactly the best possible angle for a stellar selfie.
As long as you can manage to play make believe for an entire weekend (think of all the practice you’ve had at the health center, when they ask how many drinks you consume in an average night out), you’ll be golden. Your parents and their various hangers-on (see also: the rest of your family) will still believe that you’re as pure as the driven snow, no matter what the reality of the situation is (no judgement).