The ladies over at Cosmo provided a helpful roundup of Victoria’s Secret boyfriends, so you can know exactly who to look for during the most important fashion show ever. While you’re binging on Ben & Jerry’s ice cream and wondering why you don’t have the body of Karlie Kloss, you can also wonder why everyone on your Tinder looks like a wildebeest, while every man in the front row looks like a Disney prince.
If you find yourself asking what it takes to look like a Vicky’s Secret model and rock your own pair of Angel wings, you probably need to start a juice cleanse immediately, eat only kale, and find a rock star hubby. While I’ve never been good at addition (a former high school teacher said I was too pretty for math, but I’m no Angel), it’s easy enough to look at exactly who these models are bumping uglies (pretties?) with.
Here’s the breakdown:
2 Rock Stars
1 Adam Levine, a bleach blonde d-bag who’s exactly like every guy you’ve always wanted to hook up with while intoxicated, and then regretted immediately.
See also: 1 Caleb Followill, former druggie and current cute guy. There’s also a lone DJ (Sunnery James, DJ, Husband of Doutzen Kroes) in the mix, but he can be lumped into the rock star category, because with a name like that it’s destiny.
3 1/2 Male Models
If you’re a beyond gorgeous Angel, it almost doesn’t make sense to mate with someone of equal attractiveness. You should spread your genes far and wide. Find the most hideous man in town, and create a passel of adorable children with him. Unfortunately, these ladies didn’t get that memo, and they’re all dating men who are equally gorgeous and unattainable.
There’s Hermann Nicoli, the boyfriend of Candice Swanepoel (his cheekbones will make you weep, and attempt to learn contouring, all at once). Tobia Sorensen, the boyfriend of Jasmine Tookes, looks like he’d be fun in the club, but unclear when it comes to the morning after. Tyson and Shanina Shaik are such a gorgeous couple they’ll make your eyes bleed. How, you’re surely wondering, is one half a model? It has nothing to do with dieting. Bernard Smith, the founder of Modellounge X Microsoft (and boyfriend of Joan Smalls) fits two categories — model and entrepreneur. He’s a business model, basically.
If you’re a Vicky’s Secret model, you can guarantee that your babies will be beautiful, so why not add some brains to the mix? Looks like Allesandra Amborsio (she’s the one who isn’t Adriana Lima) is looking for smart nuggets, because she’s engaged to Jamie Mazur, entrepreneur. Best boyfriend of all? Taylor Swift doppleganger Karlie Kloss nailed down a nice Jewish boy (the un-diseased version of Adam Levine). I feel sure his parents are shocked and his friends are jealous. Josh Kushner, founder of Thrive Capital, is a two time Harvard grad with the handsome nerd glasses to prove it. He’s like a modern-day Clark Kent, only his superpower is dating supermodels.