20 Things That You Can't Do After College

Your ability to chug and do keg stands may make you the life of the party, but once you graduate, your coworkers won’t be as impressed. Trust me…it’s been a year and a half since I graduated and some things just aren’t okay anymore. Take advantage of your time in school, kiddies, because pretty soon doing these things will just make you look straight-up crazy.

you need to stop

1. Wear yoga pants and an old sweatshirt…every single day for a week.

Laundry becomes a chore you can only put off for so long.

2. Decorate your house or apartment with stolen signs and empty bottles of tequila.

Pier 1, here I come.

 3. Quote Mean Girls in everyday conversation and everyone knows what you’re talking about. 

“She doesn’t even go here!” No? No one? Never mind.

4. Eat pizza for breakfast. 

…and probably another meal later in the day.

5. Call out of work because it’s a nice day…or it’s raining…or you’re hungover…or you just don’t feel like going. 

Sick days are a precious commodity.

6. Wake up in a bed that isn’t yours. 

The walk of shame is much longer and more embarrassing when you’re in the real world. Children see you. And ask their parents why you don’t have a house. And judge you.

7. Go out for the night wearing an outfit constructed completely out of duct tape. 

People are staring, and not because they’re impressed. They’re concerned.

8. Throw the cheapest booze and cheapest mixer in a giant cooler and call it “Jungle Juice.”

Everyone used to fill up a glass without asking any questions.

9. Heavily pre-game non-drinking events like intramural games or fairs.

Any event used to be a good excuse to drink. Now, I attend concerts practically sober. Who am I?

10. Instantly become best friends with every girl in the bathroom line.

Actually having to wait your turn sucks.

11. Drink heavily because it’s a Tuesday and you don’t have class until noon. 

Once you graduate, the hangover gods punish you for every shot you take.

12. Go to the dining hall and have an all-you-can-eat buffet for every meal.

For less than $10. Grocery shopping is the devil.

13. Run into someone randomly and spend hours hanging out.

People have things to do now. If you want to see your friends, you have to make plans…usually days in advance.

14. Jump in a fountain or climb a statue.

Instead of campus police telling you to please go home, you might get arrested.

15. Slap the bag.

Wine comes in bottles apparently? Franzia is frowned upon?

16. Dance on tables and other surfaces you really shouldn’t be standing on.

Best case scenario: A bouncer asks you to get down. Worst case scenario: You are carried out of the bar screaming, “I’m just trying to daaaanncccee!”

 17. Count walking home from the bar as “exercise.”

Working out will become part of your adult life, just because going to the gym feels semi-social.

18. Post pictures of you blacked out on social media.

Browsing Facebook and Instagram used to be a hilarious part of Sundays. Now these pictures will prevent you from getting a job.

19. Openly pursue guys in the same friend group as your ex. 

Not your fault – campus was small and choices were limited. But going after your ex-boy’s friends seems desperate and weird.

20. Celebrate your birthday for a week.

You’ll be lucky if any coworkers even remember to stick a candle in a cupcake. At some point, you realize you don’t want to celebrate getting older, anyway.

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