Your Pretty Little Liars Cheat Sheet: Over a Barrel

Who can worry about college admissions when Mona’s body may be out there? Not these girls! Let’s figure out which girl looked not so pretty this week. Emily: Emily always seems to have some weirdo femme fatale chick show up in her life. This time it’s that Talia chick that’s trying to make Emily look bad at work. She even told her that she got a hole in her shirt, the nerve. And that was about all Emily did this week. We get that she misses Paige but she can be capable of dealing with it and doing something. Please don’t let it be by getting under Talia who had some supposedly insightful metaphor about stew, old clothes, and some pepper. Or something. Pretty assessment: She’s got that post relationship puffy face thing going on but she’ll bounce back. Ali: Ali wasn’t around this week. She’s always around in spirit with being suspected to be ‘A’ and all that but they did not show the jailbird once this week. Pretty assessment: Nobody can rock that jumpsuit orange and she probably doesn’t get the kind of shampoo her brand of blonde needs in jail. I bet her roots are dark. Aria: Aria always seems to be doing the wrong thing and this week was no exception. Remember last week when she blamed her relationship with Ezra for not being such a stellar student? Well, this week her betrayal ran deeper since Ezra is trying to help her get into Vassar through another connection he has. I don’t even support this couple but this is Shady McShaderson on her part. She better stop or she’ll become the subject of Ezra’s next book, “I Slept with a Teenager, and She Broke My Heart but I Still Wrote Her a College Recommendation.” Someone knows her trifling ways, and she’s getting blackmailed via receipt, which is a new low. She was also tricked into going to a lunch with “H,” who she thought was the missing Holbrook but instead, she ended up eating with Jason. Pretty assessment: Having the face of a doll doesn’t hide her crippling stupidity. Spencer: Spencer and Caleb seem to be the crime-solving duo nowadays with him on the computer and her figuring out some science behind preserving bodies. What the hell are they teaching her in chem class?? She is too smart to be contemplating going to a non-Ivy but the acceptance letters for those schools aren’t exactly rolling in. But she can go to the University of Hawaii! I couldn’t imagine a fate worse for the prep princess. You can’t wear sweaters and riding boots on the beach and living on island time would kill her. Ooh, and on top of that Toby gave her a command to stop being a sleuth. There was some rage in his eyes when he threw that phone on the Scrabble board. He needs to relax; those tiles didn’t do anything to him. Pretty Assessment: I’m seeing some major bags under her eyes and some wrinkled clothes. Doesn’t sound like much but for Spencer, that’s hell. Hanna: I’ll always cheer for Hanna, especially now that she’s the only one who seems to be getting into legit schools. But unfortunately for her, she lives in a murder mystery and can’t really be thinking about becoming a college-coed. She’s also juggling the fact that her mom slept with an emotionally unstable Jason D, and now he’s sending her flowers—nip that in the bud! Jason doesn’t even look good anymore because of that chinstrap. Pastor Ted wants to marry Ashley but I’m not seeing that happen. But the icing for Hanna’s suck cake this week is that there’s a storage unit rented to her name that may or may not have Mona’s body in it. Not a good look (or smell for that matter.) Pretty assessment: Hanna may have had #flawless hair this episode but everything going on with her is like a case of cystic acne.