This week was all about the tent. Judging by the promo, we all thought something was going down in the tent this week. Turns out, it was all a big fake-out! Ashley I. aka Ashley Kardashian aka Mannequin (because she seems to not have a brain) just went into the tent to make some veiled revelation that she was a virgin and that he didn’t want him to get the impression that she was a an experienced girl. What a perfectly good waste of a potential scandal. In honor of what could have been, let’s discuss the top five women pitching Chris’s tent this week.
1. Jade
Jade only stepped up last week when she seduced him in the bedroom. She’s continued to show us that it’s probably best that she’s seducing Chris with her body and not her mind. This was the most she’s talked the whole season and it probably would’ve been better if she kept quiet. She’s simple-minded, which Chris’s sisters equated with meaning that she wouldn’t mind living on a farm, so they pick her for the Cinderella one-on-one. We see what you did there, Disney, by forcing us to watch your Cinderella promo. Jade and Chris have a truly mind-numbing conversation, where we learn that they were both engaged young but broke it off. Just so stimulated by them. Really.
The shock on Britt’s face was too real when Jade got the one-on-one over her.
2. Kaitlyn
Always a boss, always down for whatever. This week, Kaitlyn proved that she does what she wants, even if that means taking off her bikini bottoms to jump in a disgusting pond. She then proved that she’s even more of a hot bro lady by being one of the only people genuinely excited about camping. So, let’s be real. Those were the only girls truly in the top. The rest seemed too busy having mental breakdowns and acting like hot messes. Instead of completing the top five, I’m switching it up. Here’s the ranking for the worst girls he still kept around:
1. Kelsey
Where the hell did this diva come from?? First, she brags about being a natural beauty, which is fair enough since the other ladies (Ashley Kardashian) seem to pile it on — but still, conceited much? Then, she had the biggest betch fit about being at the pond the other girls stripped at. LIVE A LITTLE. You are on a reality TV show about dating, so your life already isn’t in a good place. The best part happened when she was stung in the crotch by a bee and wouldn’t let the cameraman touch her.
2. Ashley I.
“Her mouth is not a virgin” is pretty much the only thing that needs to be said about Mannequin. She cried about camping, not going on the Cinderella date, and made the biggest deal about telling Chris that she was a virgin. My favorite part was when she played dress up and ended up eating corn in a ball gown (as one does). At this point, I think hanging out with her for two hours would be just as torturous as listening to Whitney read me a six hour audio book. And also, she’s not the only virgin! Becca is too. The best part was when Becca said that telling Chris she was a virgin hadn’t come up yet! Made Ashley look like the dingbat she is.
They struck casting gold when they found this chick, since she’s a powder keg of crazy.
3. Britt
She must be going through some stuff with her girl Jillian going home because she could not have been more of a nagging Nellie. She sounded like a schoolmarm when she tried to slut shame Kaitlyn and ask Chris why he would pick a woman who would dare to talk about sex and skinny dip. She got comatose Chris to storm off since she questioned his integrity. Not a good move, sweetie. I do like how he “handled it like a man” by walking off and going to his room. Classic man move right there.
Sayonara:
Ashley S., Nikki (WTF was that), Nikki, and Jillian got the boot.
I hope Jillian got to keep that dress.