Contrary to what Us Weekly tells us, stars are not just like us.
That means that while mere mortals celebrate Valentine’s Day with dinner at a moderately priced restaurant and a movie, they’ll be doing epic things that we can only dream of experiencing. What are these epic things, you ask? Well it depends on the couple. Our sources have failed us so we don’t know for sure, but if here are our best guesses as to what a few of our favorite stars will be doing to mark this momentous holiday.
1. Kim & Kanye
Kim and Kanye will spend the holiday posing for an oil painting portrait of the two of them. This portrait will be the size of the largest wall in your dorm and will eventually be auctioned off for $43 million. Kanye will be extra scowl-y because, after hearing that ordinary peasant men often name stars after their girlfriends, he tried to have Jupiter’s name changed to “KIMBERLY.” His request was denied. They will round out the holiday in bed together, where Kim takes horizontal selfies and Kanye sends frantic emails to Anna Wintour demanding that she schedule the couple’s next cover shoot.
2. Blake & Ryan
In typical homebody fashion, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds won’t make a big deal out of Valentine’s Day. Blake will bake an extra special batch of cupcakes, though. The cake will be made from organic flour and Tahitian vanilla beans, the frosting will be sage flavored using herbs Blake grew herself. Ryan will stand beside her while she makes them gazing at her lovingly (that’s sort of his thing, you know?) while cradling Baby X (her name is NOT Violet, guys!) After eating their cupcakes Blake will muse about how it’s ‘so weird’ that she can just eat cupcakes all day and still look like a supermodel, especially after having a baby. They will end the night with a nonalcoholic champagne toast, congratulating themselves on having fooled everyone into thinking they figured out Baby X’s name.
3. Leighton & Adam
Seth Cohen and Blair Waldorf will stay in on Valentine’s Day. They just don’t want to run into annoying people who ask them how their relationship is going, which seems to happen all the time. They’ll reflect on how strong their respective acting skills are as they managed to make the entire world believe they were anything like the iconic characters they played. They will spend most of the day recording acoustic covers of under-the-radar indie love songs. Maybe they will even discuss names for their future baby at some point – Cornelia if it’s a girl, Ezekiel if it’s a boy.
4. Justin & Jessica
Pregnant Jessica Biel will lounge, makeup free all day long. The most exciting thing about this scenario is the fact that yes, she is that pretty without makeup and yes, even when she’s pregnant, her butt is still the stuff of legends. Justin will spend the entire day serenading their future child, dancing around the room (he’ll be careful to avoid busting out any boy band moves; Jessica doesn’t like them.) At some point they will get into a heated debate over whether Uncle Lance or Uncle Joey (but not the one from Full House) will be the child’s godfather.
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