10 Commandments For Having Sex When You Have Roommates

One of the biggest challenges in college isn’t passing finals or finding a time when the dining hall isn’t packed – it’s having sex. Who hasn’t taken their boyfriend/booty call/guy you just met at the party back to your dorm only to find your roommate came back from her weekend home early? Unfortunately, this issue sometimes continues into post grad life – the rent it too damn high, ya know. Does this mean you’re to be celibate until you can afford your own place? No way, but respecting your roommates is essential in keeping a peaceful home. Just follow these rules…and enjoy doggy style in the top bunk.

1. Thou shall open up discussion about the issue with thy roommate.

You just met a total stranger that you’ll be sharing a 10 x 12 space with for the next ten months, but you still need to have the talk. It’s awkward, but I promise it’ll be much less painful than the real talk with your parents. Plus, it’ll be more awkward when you have her walk in on you in the buff. Topics to cover: When and how often can guys come over? What about unplanned hookups? What if one of you gets a boyfriend?

2. Thou shalt not have sex while thy roommate is in the room.

Even if she’s the world’s deepest sleeper and you’re being as quiet as mouse, don’t do it. Not cool. Those grunts, tosses and turns, or coughs are not natural sleep habits. It is the person who shares your space politely letting you know that they are well aware of what is happening. And bunk bed sleepers – don’t think just because they can’t see or hear you, they can’t feel the bed shaking.

3. Thou shall decide on a code.

What’s a better bonding exercise than talking about how to let each other know you’re getting some? If you decide to have a quickie while your roommate is in class, have a designated sign on the outside of the door so she knows not to barge in. It can be subtle like a hair scrunchie on the door knob or a smiley face written on your dry erase board. Then make sure your roommate knocks in case she forgets her book.

4. Thou shalt not have sex in common areas or in thy roommate’s bed.

Doing the deed in your roomie’s sheets isn’t exciting or funny – it’s disgusting no matter how many times she’s stolen your Diet Cokes out of the fridge. If you’re going to do it in the living room or want to try shower sex, it’s only okay when you’re 110% sure that your roommates won’t be walking in on you. If you’re the only one in the apartment over spring break, fine. Go crazy. But clean up. Leaving ass prints on your kitchen table is not cute.

5. Thou shall disguise noises from thy neighbors.

Whether you’re in a shoebox apartment in New York City or a dorm, you probably have neighbors that can hear your every word through the walls. Instead of letting them listen in on your sex session, pull your bed a few inches away from the wall and turn on some music. We recommend Beyonce, Justin Timberlake, or Two Door Cinema Club, or you can just search “Sex Playlist” on Spotify and see what happens.

6. Thou shall clean up.

Your roomie relationship is going to be filled with tension if she steps on a condom or has to remove your undies from her desk to get to her laptop. Take the time to throw away any evidence before your roommate comes home. Pro tip: Keep a box of tissues handy on your night stand and a garbage pail nearby. And for everyone’s sake, open a window or something to get rid of the smell of sweat and teen hormones.

7. Thou shalt not make thy hookup buddy another roommate.

Your roommate will only tolerate being kicked out of her room so you can have sexy time so much. Don’t make it a nightly occurrence…don’t even make it a weekly occurrence. Take turns between your place and his or prepare to be packing your things on Roommate Switch Day. Another thing – don’t let your guy “hang out” while you head to class or run to the bagel shop. When you leave, he leaves.

8. Thou shall be willing to take one for the team.

Just like you might have a male suitor that requires your bed space from time to time, your roommate is going to need some use of the room as well. Be willing to sleep over a friend’s apartment or take your studying to the library once in a while, and your roommate will return the favor.

9. Thou shall make an introduction to ease awkwardness.

It’s not secret when you have a guy over. You might think you’re being sneaky, but everyone knows (they just might be too polite to call you out). Since this guy is in your apartment, using your bathroom, and seeing your roommate’s collection of dirty laundry, the least you can do is introduce your gentleman caller and your roomie when you run into each other. It will make your roommate feel a little more comfortable that this rando has been soaking in your A/C all night.

10. Remember that to respect thy roommate, one must get creative.

Just because your dorm room is occupied by a snoozer doesn’t mean that sex isn’t happening. Get the car keys and park in a secluded spot, an empty study room in the library, or even try the community showers. The chance that you might get caught just adds to the fun.


 

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