We’ve all been there- you start making out with your boyfriend (or some guy you met on Tinder– let’s be honest), and the next thing you know, you’re mouth is 5 inches down his peen and you start to wonder how it is you got there. And then realize that you forgot your laundry in the dryer. And didn’t text your mom back. And that you were supposed to watch OITNB tonight with your roommates.
2. Here we go.
3. Maybe I should have done some jaw exercises before this.
4. Nah, you got this. You’re a champ.
5. NOT THE HEAD PUSH. I know where it is, thank you very much.
6. Why do guys always do that anyway?
7. Porn, that’s why.
8. Porn is the answer for everything when it comes to men. What’d you do today? Porn. What cha doing later? Porn. What are you doing seven Friday’s from now? Porn.
9. Don’t they have anything better to do with their time? I guess not. Stupid question.
10. And why is it so taboo for women to watch it? Don’t guys find that hot?
11. I should start the conversation. “I waaa…” Okay, not now. Now is bad timing.
12. There’s a task at hand. Er, I mean mouth.
12. Damn, I really should’ve done some exercises. My jaw is on fire.
13. Not literally, thank God.
14. On second thought, I wish it was. Then I could stop.
15. Ugh suck it up, you’re fine. Literally. LOL.
16. I crack myself up.
17. Don’t laugh, though. Guys get sensitive about their junk and think you’re laughing at their size or something.
18. Which I’m not.
19. This is actually the only time I wish it was smaller, TBH.
20. Sh*t. My laundry is still in the dryer. It’s definitely going to be wrinkly.
21. How long has it been anyway? It’s like time slows down down here.
22. Hours. It has to have been hours. There’s no way my jaw would feel like this otherwise.
23. I should’ve put my hair up; this is not a cute look. I’m eating my hair. Literally eating my hair right now.
24. Not the head pushing again! Do you want to piss someone off whose teeth are so close to the most sensitive part of your body?
25. I wonder who invented the blow job. It’s a very strange thing, if you think about it. Hey, please suck on this external organ of mine that I pee from/explodes potential children.
26. I really need to get my laundry.
27. Is he done yet?
28. SOMEONE PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME.
29. We’re probably moving onto hour three right now.
30. How many times did he jerk off today, anyway?
31. He hasn’t moaned in a while. Am I doing something wrong now?
32. Can I get a damn sympathy moan at least?
33. I wonder what it feels like to get a BJ. Is that weird?
34. I’d like to test out what it’s like to have a penis for a day.
35. Like, why do they always have to grab it? I guess it could get stuck.
36. I can’t imagine having something bulky just chillin’ there.
37. And what if it gets stuck in your zipper? EEEK. I don’t want to think about that.
38. Score! The moans are back. I am a goddess.
39. I think it’s only fair that a guy feels what it’s like to have a vagina too…during that time of the month.
40. They’d never survive.
41. You know how guys are when they get sick. The world is more or less coming to an end.
42. He’s got nice “v” muscles. I wonder if guys have them as a way to be like “Hey, look down here. Touch my junk.”
43. WHY DO YOU NEVER LAST THIS LONG WHEN WE HAVE SEX?
44. Are his eyes closed?
45. Imagine if he fell asleep. I think I’d lose it.
46. Or maybe just do my laundry.
47. He better kiss me after this. If he does it to me, I can do it to him.
48. Woah, here it comes. I mean cums. Where was the warning?!
49. Spit or swallow? The age-old question.
50. Swallow, you have no choice. Do you see a garbage can anywhere? A napkin?
51. Whatever you do, don’t puke.
52. Okay, that was gross.
53. Just pretend it’s something delicious. Like a milkshake.
54. I wonder if cum is actually good for your skin, or if guys just say that so they can jiz on your face.
55. Whatever. That thought (and laundry) can wait. My turn.