5 Undeniable Signs You've Been Friendzoned [Dude's List]

The most frustrating and trivial relationship between a guy and a gal is “friendship.” Since the dawn of mankind, men and women have balanced each other’s needs, formed relationships of various kinds, and have co-inhabited this world as the dominant species of animals. Men were designed biologically to sow their seed as far and wide as the wind will bring it, so naturally when that girl he is absolutely smitten by vents to them about “that asshole I’m seeing,” the man becomes frustrated with what he feels he can do that facilitates her well-being better. Women were designed to bear the most perfect child that her and a male’s DNA can output when mixed together; so when that guy with the strong jawbone and bubble butt looks into her eyes and says, “Dude, I love that girl,” a woman can be rightfully heartbroken. The question is: How does a person recognize that they’ve been friendzoned? 

1. Texting

My generation loves the ability to hold a conversation from miles away, and how could you not? Spending time with your parents can be taxing with questions like, “What do you want for dinner?” “Did you leave your laundry in the dryer?” “Who are you texting all the time?” But like, you just saw that bitch Katie holding onto Jason’s arm and obviously you need to tell Shannon because Jason said, “She’s just a friend” (more on this later). This communication is stress-free, fast and easy, non-committal. So non-committal in fact, that Jessica texted me six hours ago asking what I’m doing in an hour and I called Dave to go to the gym, Snapchat everyone a quick towel selfie before a shower, napped, Instagrammed my dinner, and called my grandfather for his birthday because I forgot to do it earlier. If he or she lets the conversation fall off the face of the Earth without starting another one, you’ve been friendzoned.

2. Physical Contact

“Oh my God, put me down!” said every girl I’ve picked up and thrown over my shoulder, laughing at their silly attempts to physically harm my person. But physical limitations excluded, there are only a few people that a person can do this too. That girl who steals the PlayStation controller out of your hand and runs away with it, who will laugh at you (very hard) while you turn her in every direction possible trying to pry the controller out of her hand so she doesn’t screw up your kill streak; she’s the girl that secretly likes it when you toss her around. That girl I keep inviting over to do homework that texts me back saying, “I’m already in the library, just come here with *insert name of hot roommate here*!!!!”, that girl does not want you tickling her in between questions while you’re too close on your bed because you purposefully didn’t clean off your desk. High five for the effort; and by high five, I actually mean red flag. A good test for this is the hug test (trademarked by “The Dude” on 7/16/15): If he starts squirming after three seconds of an embrace or she starts patting your back and feigns an awkward laugh, you’ve been friendzoned.

3. Nicknames

A pet-name includes, but is not limited to: baby, babe, hun, sweetheart, handsome, gorgeous, etc. Axe dude, bro, asshole/bitch out of that category in your mind. If you tried to scale up a fraternity house, ripped off a piece of the siding, and broke your wrist on impact with the ground, her calling you “shingle” is not a pet-name. And if he calls you by your last name, you’ve been friendzoned.

4. Favors

“Do you want to go shopping with me? I need new underwear ;)” is a totally different question then “Do you want to go shopping with me? Amanda cancelled on me and I want a smoothie :(“. Guys will buy girls food and shiny things when they’re dating or want to date, girls will buy you sweatshirts they want to steal and concert tickets. Friends will go drink-for-drink at happy hour and get you back next time if you order the large nachos. I will help you change your flat tire and I will dish on that bitch you don’t like that gives you dirty looks in the caf, but we’re even for last weekend when I finished your handle of SoCo before throwing up in the flower pot outside and passing out in the hallway. If you talk to him about a wine festival coming up and he responds with, “That’s an awesome idea, this girl I just matched with on Tinder will love that,” you’ve been friendzoned.

5. Extra Benefits

There’s nothing quite like the occasional Tuesday and Thursday night, Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday morning relationship in college. The sun is down, your BAC is at a record high, and Jason hasn’t spoken to you in a week, but it’s 1:46 and I bet he would love to “chill and watch Netflix” now. “But Shannon, why are you mad? We never see you two together.” She will not bring you to meet the parents and he will try to convince you the movie theater in the next town has better snacks. Ladies and gentlemen, if your romantic entanglement does not visit you in your normal spots, stick to plans with open spaces and lots of people, or contact you when the sun is in the sky, you’ve been (very specifically in this case) friendzoned.

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