Society keeps telling us ladies that there are certain things that we do that are not “sexy.” In response, we curl, burn, wax, pluck, and throw on a verbal filter in order to avoid constant chastising from our mothers and sometimes, even random strangers.
Wouldn’t the world be so much better if these things were considered sexy? No longer would we have to clench our stomachs and force a smile to our faces to keep this illusion of “sexy” going. If we fully embraced our disgusting selves (let’s be real here, ladies, we’re pretty gross), we would no longer have to alter our lifestyles to meet some societal standard to be “sexy.”
Let’s be even realer: It’s not like you’re correcting everything on this list in your everyday life—but what if you didn’t even have to consider the consequences of un-sexy actions and lifestyles.
1. Ugly Selfies.
An ugly selfie with ten-thousand double chins with your eyes going every which way is much easier to take than the perfect, half-face selfie for bae. Good lighting be damned. Seriously, f*ck that Snapchat filter that makes you tanner than you are. We all know.
2. Un-done eyebrows.
Seven dollars here and there doesn’t seem like much, but I am very poor, society. I can’t keep affording to get my eyebrows waxed. Don’t even get me started on the squinting you do in the mirror, trying to locate and grab those little hairs.
3. Baggy sweatpants.
Leggings are nice until the waistband bites into your stomach. Baggy sweatpants would never harm you.
4. Double texting.
I’m a guilty sextuple texter, and I feel no shame. The first step is sending that double blue text—then it’s all downhill from there.
5. Period underwear.
It’s just so much more comfy than “sexy” underwear. Who the hell decided lace was sexy? It’s f*ckin’ itchy—that’s what it is.
6. Laying around with no pants in said period underwear.
My best friend and roommate taught me the wonders of lounging around in no pants. It’s very freeing. In period underwear? Forget it—game over.
7. Hair everywhere.
Straightening your hair? Now there’s hair on your dresser and books. Taking a shower? Hair on the walls. Brushing your hair anywhere? HAIR.
8. Cursing.
I curse like a motherf*ckin sailor and I give no f*cking sh*ts about who gives a flying f*ck about my f*ckin’ swearing habits.
Except my Mom. I’m so sorry, Mom.
9. Frizzy hair.
It’s happened to all of us. We finally pull the morning rat’s nest together into a calm, straightened, polished ‘do. Then, you walk outside and suddenly you look like you just left the 70s. If only, IF ONLY, frizzy hair was considered sexy.
10. Netflix binges.
Ten hours lying on your stomach, face towards the television is not a good lifestyle choice.
11. Instagram stalking.
Being 128 weeks deep on his sister’s cousin’s friend’s boyfriend is, unfortunately, not normal. (What the heck are you supposed to do at three in the morning, man?)
12. Last night’s makeup.
You gave up last night, falling face first on your pillow with a full-face of makeup and now it’s smeared all over that once white pillow. Your face looks like a De Kooning painting.
13. Farting.
It’s art—you just wouldn’t understand.
We all fart—why is it worse if girls fart? I am so tired of clenching my butt cheeks in class because you people can’t handle a little butt music.
14. Oversized sweatshirts.
No, it doesn’t look sloppy – it looks comfortable, you fiends.
15. Gym clothes.
Gym clothes without having to go to the gym? Perf.
16. Social media stalking in general.
Man, you were so much funnier three years and 36 weeks ago.
17. Talking about poop.
Yet another thing we all do, yet girl’s “don’t poop.” Trust me, we do and it’s hilarious.
18. Scarfing down twenty plus hot-wings and feeling nothing.
The burning your feeling is either from the hot sauce or the looks of horror from your peers. Whatever, a girl with a food baby is a happy girl. Who looks sexy with fire-red fingers, anyway?
19. Staying in, forever.
Staying in forever means you never have to force yourself into the abrasive, aggressive denim jeans to look appropriate. Skip it all together and stay indoors and look fabulous for only yourself.
20. Sockasins.
On a cold winter morning, I’m sure the Eskimos would have done the same thing. It’s fashion faux-pas, but whatever. It’s f*cking comfortable.
21. Un-done hair.
I am beauty, I am grace, I am Miss United States…who just rolled out of bed! Embrace the rock-star look. DIFFERENT KINDS OF BEAUTY, PEOPLE.
On a cold winter morning, I’m sure the Eskimos would have done the same thing. It’s fashion faux-pas, but whatever. It’s f*cking comfortable.
22. Socks and Birkenstocks.
This usually gets a full-body reaction out of most. Sometimes you want the look of a sandal without the coldness that comes with it during the fall. I don’t know—do you want you want, girl.
23. Going out in pajamas.
How lovely it would be to go out to the bar in baggy sweatpants and the band t-shirt from concerts past. Screw your tight skirts and clinging crop tops—I am happiest in flannel shorts.
24. Going out braless.
LET ‘EM BREATHE, LADIES.
25. Wearing that same bra for maybe seven years non-stop.
As long as it isn’t stained with food or smells like the gym, it’s fair game.
26. Boob sweat.
This I just don’t understand. I had no idea that there were levels of disgusting to sweat. Why is boob sweat any worse? IT’S NOT—LOOK EVERYONE I WENT TO THE GYM. I HAVE BOOB SWEAT, LOOK AT IT.
27. Coffee breath.
You know, I envy those who carry toothbrushes and toothpaste to conquer their coffee breath. You’re really dedicated to the game. Gum and mints are expensive, especially if you’re an avid coffee drinker, like me. F*ck it, coffee breath is sexy.
28. Crying over television shows.
A good story is one that moves you to tears. You’re just appreciating an art form, man.
29. Screaming and flailing about on your couch because of said television shows.
The looks I got from the RA this past year when my friend and I DREW HER OUT OF HER ROOM because we were screaming over The Walking Dead and running around the lounge, unsure what to do, were priceless. We are just women who are moved deeply by Rick Grimes.
30. The layer of sweat that covers your body after the eighth hour of Netflix.
The sun has set and you’re covered in a vague cheese dust from all the Cheetos you ate. It is mixing with your sweat and you’re about to turn into Chester the Cheetah. I hope you’re ready for your Sports Illustrated photoshoot.
31. Tumblr. All day.
Reblogging is sexy—look, I’m showing off my Internet abilities.
32. Surprise acne.
If we all get acne, wouldn’t it be easier just to consider it sexy? No more ridiculous face masks and cleanses.
33. The stretch of hair you missed shaving.
You’re starting a new fashion trend. Again, you just don’t understand it. This strip of hair is sexy.
34. Toe hair?
AU NATURAL IS SEXY.
35. Carrying around salad dressing in your bag because the dining hall does not provide for you.
A smart girl is a prepared girl. Smart is sexy—you get the picture.
36. The coffee cup mountain range around your desk.
The root reason for your coffee breath. You don’t have the time to throw out every coffee cup you empty out (at Olympic speeds, nonetheless.) It is an art piece. The brown color of the paper cup complements your eyes beautifully.
37. Not moving for three days.
There is a lot of room in my bed for people to hang out with no pants on and do nothing.
38. Gorging yourself on candy and avoiding the gym like the plague.
Who needs to eat that boring salad when you can eat what you like and smile about it? Who needs the gym when you look sexy just the way you are?
39. “Burrito.”
To burrito is to grab your quilt with one hand and wrap you entire body within it tightly. This is your natural state, is it not? If he or she doesn’t think this is sexy, then he or she is not worth your time.
40. Lying in bed for so long on your phone that you drop it on your face.
We’ve all been there. Let’s not pretend that this isn’t a regular occurrence. Let’s embrace those red marks and bruises from the impact of your phone and calls them what they are: sexy.
This list is obviously a comical one—we’ve all had these thoughts. It doesn’t matter what another person considers sexy or even what society says is “sexy” and “attractive.” What’s important is that you’re comfortable in your own skin. You do what makes you feel good, beautiful and sexy. You don’t need to pretend to be something you’re not to meet this societal expectation of “sexy.” Pull on those sweatpants and roll out of your apartment with tousled hair—you look great.
