"Why Is My Boyfriend So Anti-PDA?" [Ask A Dude]

Hey Dude,
My boyfriend of about four months is totally anti-PDA, especially when we are around friends. I get it – I have no desire to see other couples making out in public either, but he won’t even hold my hand! Is he just being shy around his buddies or is he hiding something?
Thanks,
I Want To Hold His Hand
 
Dear I Want To Hold His Hand,
Your frustration is very understandable! Within every relationship, there are certain criteria that must be met in order to ensure some degree of happiness and success; physicality is unquestionably one of these criteria. There is always some degree of physicality, although the amount may differ. For some, it involves fu…hugging each other’s brains out in a public restroom, while for others, the warmth and comfort that comes with snuggling up with a loved one on the couch is enough. I do not say this to lecture you, but instead to justify your frustrations and to reassure you that all is not lost.
Unless your boyfriend of four months is Dr. Sheldon Cooper, which I don’t believe he is (Big Bang Theory reference in case you didn’t get that), it’s safe for me to assume that there is some (if not a lot of) physicality within your relationship – behind closed doors, anyway. If I am right with my assumption, which as “The Dude” I am obligated to be, than I may have some answers to help shed some light on your situations, as well as some suggestions to help.
First off, lets start by talking about your boyfriend’s dislike for PDA. You said yourself that seeing other couples hooking up isn’t on the top of your to-do list, and clearly its not on his either. Yet you must realize that when in a new relationship, it is very easy for couples to cross the line of what is considered acceptable PDA (hand holding, etc.) and into that uncomfortable realm of straight up public tongue f$%@ing, or what I like to refer to as PTF. Seriously though, no one wants to be that couple, including your boyfriend. Perhaps in an attempt to avoid it, he has fallen to the other extreme of no PDA at all. For you this may seem concerning, setting off all those little thoughts in your head that make you question how he feels about you, but with time he might find a way to balance it; if not, you grab that hand!
With his friends though, it’s a bit more complicated. Guys are jerks. This does not change when we are with our friends; if anything, it gets worse. In a way, being a d*ck to one another, along with the occasional manly embrace, is how we show each other brotherly love. We like that, and if it wasn’t the case, we wouldn’t have things like fraternities and such adoringly overused phrases such as “bros before hoes.”
Yet with all the effort we put into masculine clichés, these are all thrown out the window when presented with a fine set a boobs and a nice behind. While the allure of sex on the table may draw us away from our manly bonds, it only increases our friend’s desire to pull us back in. Every time his cellphone rings, they will think it’s you trying to pull him away from them. No, no, no my dear Hand Holder, it is not you they dislike but the fear of losing their friend. This then results in a behavior change he has when with them. This change is merely an unconscious attempt to reassure them that he has not changed and that he has not been ‘whipped,’ so-to-speak.
Yet this is not fair to you. Why should you be the one to suffer from this inability for guys to concur their “feelings”? Unfortunately, there is really no good answer for you, but what I can say is that your relationship is young and there is the slight possibility that with time, things could change. If it doesn’t, then you might have to help with that change along the way. But how do I cause this change, you may ask? Well there is really no specific answer, but I do have a few suggestions:

1. Make his friends perceive you as one of the guys (only his friends, not your bf!). The more they see you as one of them, the more likely they will tell him how awesome you are and how cool it is to have you around. This means fewer whip jokes, less bitch talk, and more concern for why you aren’t hanging with them when they’re just “stuck” with him.

2. Find their hearts (hint: it’s in their stomach). Bribing his friends with food is a sure way to win them over. “Who is this majestic goddess who brings me delectable food? I love food; food is awesome, and that must mean she is awesome!” Guys are easy to please and even easier to bribe, so use that to your advantage. Another way to do this is by volunteering to be their wing woman. If you can talk them up to other girls, hook them up with hot friends, and just increase their chance of getting laid, they will love you. Seriously.

3. Use his friends against him! Now this does not mean in a malicious way, but more as a way to make sure that your needs are met, a.k.a the holding of a hand. If he isn’t being as affectionate, a little sad complaint to a friend may ensure them getting on his case for you. Let’s face it, if it means them losing you, they’ll make him make the changes.

While none of these are foolproof, they may prove helpful. Try not to stress, and try to be positive. I have complete faith in you Hand Holder, and wish you the best of luck.
Regards,
The Dude