Hi there, Dude!

First of all, your answer to the girl who found porn on her boyfriend’s computer was absolutely outstanding. I found out about my boyfriend’s porn a year into our beautiful relationship. I too was crushed, for I also felt as if I were “not good enough”. My boyfriend tried to explain to me that it had nothing to do with me, and of course… feeling a bit insecure, I overreacted. It took me a while, and a bunch of “Googling” to find out that guys are just complete wankers– and I am now glad to accept that fact.
I just have one underlying question and I don’t know who to ask. Here goes:

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Dear Dude,

I have been with my wonderful boyfriend for 1.5 years. He is from Michigan, which is where all of his family and friends are. We recently moved in with each other. He told me in the beginning that he had a lot of female friends and if I had a problem with it that we wouldn’t work out. That was fine for me because I also have male friends.

A few weeks ago his ex girlfriend of three years contacted him. He used to say that he couldn’t stand her and wanted nothing to do with her because she did him so wrong. Now every time he tries to show me something on his phone, I see a text message or the last call is from his ex. It’s not as if it’s a friend that has kept in touch with for a long time over the years, it’s an ex he couldn’t stand and now all of the sudden they have this friendship.

It really does bother me, but I feel like I can’t say anything because he said if he can’t have female friends then he and I won’t work out. He was almost engaged to this person and brags about how they never used to fight. This is making me feel very insecure. What do I do?

Thanks!

Dear…Stormageddon (When you don’t provide a pseudonym I get to make up my own!)

There’s not wanting to make him think you can’t handle the situation and then there’s not handling the situation. Right now, it sounds like you’re dangerously close to falling off the edge here.

I’ll present you with a simple choice to make: either destroy your relationship by driving yourself crazy, or run the risk of driving him crazy, which, honestly, you won’t do if you TALK TO HIM!

Everybody all together now: communication is key. It’s such a simple but essential guideline maintaining a healthy relationship or rescuing one that’s trapped in a Pandorica of emotional baggage. You’ve got to talk about what’s bothering you. And so long as you do it with clarity when you approach him, you’re not going to trip his trigger.

You being upset about him getting back on friendly terms with an ex he led you to believe he couldn’t stand isn’t the same as being upset that he has female friends. Apples and nectarines. Make that clear with him. It’s not about “women” in his life, it’s confusion and insecurity due to the contradiction of what he says and does with regards to her. That’s where it’s coming from, he looks suspicious because he says one thing but is doing another and, yeah, I’d get edgy if I were you, too. Hiding it is only going to make things worse.

Why’s he talking to an ex he claims he couldn’t stand? Because guys will do that. Sorry to sound general but, yeah, we do that. We have communication with our exes who pulverized our hearts into a million bazillion pieces. Sometimes it’s nostalgia, wanting to get some closure and not feel like we wasted our feelings on a complete bitch, that we want to come off as the bigger person, and on rare occasion because there are those lingering feelings we like to keep a bit of a tie to. Let’s face it, we’ve all got people from our past that we still have a “what if” thought about at times. And this could be that person for him. And you may have to deal with that. Or not. You won’t know until you talk to him.

Don’t drive yourself to the nunnery because you bottle up your worries. Be clear, decisive and honest. Then, listen. You may not like the answer but at the very least you’ll make him aware that you’re upset and why you’re upset. At the worst, you’ll have to deal with his behavior and deal with his insecurity. The choice is yours.

Mission Accepted,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Dear Dude,

Here’s the situation: about a year ago I lost my virginity to this guy, let’s call him Charlie. I had started to fall in love with him a while before that, but the problem was that he was dating my cousin, let’s call her Carla, and they had been together for about a year. We started talking and hooking up occasionally (no sex) until last December she found out. They broke up and then a few days after that I had sex with him, which Carla also found out about. Charlie and I started seeing each other on a regular basis for about a month or two until I left for a month of vacation. When I came back they had gotten back together, but we still slept together anyways. In February we finally ended our physical relationship, but still kept talking on a regular basis. He was back with Carla and I was completely devastated. In March I met my current boyfriend and decided I was going to get over Charlie and I cut him off from my life in every way for about two months, until one day I couldn’t take it anymore and texted him, which eventually led to talking and hooking up again. Read More »

Hey Dude!

I have known this guy for six years now and we dated for the first four. We stopped talking to each other after we broke up and we didn’t see each other for almost two years. The break up was just because we grew apart and were going in different directions in our lives (at the time). Other than that, we had a pretty good relationship.

Recently, we reconnected at a mutual friend’s party and we started dating again. The first couple of weeks were cool because all those old feelings we had for each other started coming back, and we were really passionate with each other. Then he lets me know that there’s this girl he’s been friends with for the two years we weren’t together and he has feelings for her…but also has feelings for me. However, this girl’s basically friend-zoned the sh*t out of him. She’s one of those “attention-whores.” She leads guys on and never takes them seriously. This is something he’s also realized himself.

So after this, I’ll be honest, I was kind of hurt, but I told him I was cool with it. We weren’t in a relationship or anything, so there wasn’t anything I could b*tch about.

Lately, our sex life’s been pretty much dead. I’m a very sexual person and not a selfish lover, so I basically throw myself at the guy and he makes excuses or just “isn’t all there” during sex, rendering it pointless.

I don’t know what to do. I love him. I never stopped loving him. But now, I’m feeling like he’s not reciprocating. Where do I go from here?

Thanks so much,

Beckz

Dear Beckz,

To quote Xena when she rescued Hercules from a mob that was beating him after believing he killed his wife, “the time when we could be together has past.” Devastating to fandom everywhere but unfortunately applicable to your situation.

The bottom line is that he says he cares about you, and I’m sure he does care about you, but there’s another woman. Right now you’re in a position where you’re at the whim of his choice, well, her choice in fact. If this other girl were to give him a chance, would he bail on you? That’s the question you’ve got to ask yourself. Because, to an extent, it sounds like he’s settling for you. He just doesn’t sound ready to be with you and may never be. So, what can you do?

First, you absolutely can b*tch about this. In fact, you might need to. Do you have a relationship claim? No. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt and if you’re in pain you’ve got the right to express that pain (just don’t commit a felony in how you choose to unleash it).

Second, you can make a decision: fight or flight. To fight would mean to sit him down and tell him what you want. Flight involves you cutting your losses. Of course, recon is a third option…

Wait and see. You can always keep things as they are and react accordingly. That’s also a recipe for getting your heart pureed. Still, it’s an option. If you’re patient enough to see how things play out a bit then by all means go for it. The fact you’re writing in leads me to believe you’re reaching your make-it or break-it point. And why the Hell not?

He’s down in the dumps over another woman and you’re caught in the wake of his being rejected. Where he’s at emotionally and mentally is not where you’re at. You’ve either got to find a page you both can get on or start reading another book. Things have shifted in the two years you’ve been apart and you’ve got to shift with them. Don’t let his indecision and baggage bog you down into something that has the potential to lop you off at the weak knees.

Rolling with the motion of the ocean,

The Dude

I’m the Dude with a blue box called the Tardis that allows me to explore the ends of time and space-wait that’s another guy with a ‘D’ sounding name isn’t it? Better than that, I’m a Dude that knows the inner workings of Dudes and I’m ready to spill all, whether you’re ready or not. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com.

Dear Dude,

I love your column. Read it every week. I’m just curious about the “dude” insight on my situation, because it’s so complicated, like…I can’t even.

My story: I am newly single after a year long semi-hellish long distance relationship. Not really looking for anything serious, a little jaded, but if I met someone who I thought was good enough I wouldn’t turn and run away from it. I’m a big believer in the “He’s Just Not That Into You” philosophy that if a dude really wants to date/be committed to someone, he will. That was until I met this guy.

He’s 23, I’m only 20, and we met at a party about a month ago. We always have a great time together, and uh…well the hooking up is nice (read: amazing). I mean it’s at the point where he just assumes I’m staying the night if I come over. After our first time hanging out, he mentioned that he’s all “dead inside” and basically turned off to the idea of dating right now because some vapid woman broke his heart a year and a half ago, and at the time so was I – I mean my ass had just got dumped. I wanted to be a single hot mess for a while, but the constant texting/hanging out is leaving me very confused. Plus, I’m like – dude it’s been a year and a half, it’s time to get over it. Read More »

Hey Dude,

I’m not ugly. Not by a long shot. I mean, I’m only a 32B and lack curves, but I’m pretty, and I’ve had plenty of guys tell me this. The problem is: nobody wants me. Ever. I attempt flirting, but guys always go for my curvy friends.

Even though I don’t understand sports, I’m able to talk to guys fairly easily. I’ve had guy friends since I was 10 years old, when most of my female friends didn’t have them until they were 13. I can talk about Star Wars, roller coasters, whatever. I’m very good at being able to talk about pretty much anything, even if I don’t know about the topic.

But why do guys always go for my friends? Why am I always the one left completely alone? I’m as virginal as they come because no guy wants me. When my friends and I go into the city, it’s impossible for someone not to stare at my friends. Guys completely ignore me.

It also seems like the rare guys I do attract are either sweet but socially inept geeks or total douches that just want my body. Why is it so impossible for me to find someone moderately attractive and sweet? Read More »

2011 will go down in the annals of Dudedom, more than anything else, for the birth of the Dude’s List. Originally meant to be a one-time post, you folks just wouldn’t let me stop churning out these zany Top 11-16 lists every two weeks. And I can’t thank you enough for it! Completely self-generated and always plunging over the cliff of controversial material, the Dude’s List has gone on to become a must-read on CollegeCandy.com and that’s got everything to do with you. Let’s take a look back and bask at 10 of the best Dude’s Lists this year. Read More »

It’s that time of the year where we all reflect on what we did and did not do, get wasted on eggnog, and then design a new set of principles to follow that will guarantee an improved New Year. However, right now, we’re still in that first part where we’re looking back. With a feeling of fondness and “awwww” I share with all of you, dear readers, my most special 10 Ask A Dude columns of 2011. Read More »

Hi Dude,

I’ve gotten so much conflicting advice from all my friends, so maybe you can offer some wise guy-insight in how I can help someone I really care about.

I’ve had a really long FWB relationship with this guy since freshman year of college (we’re seniors now). We’ve gotten increasingly closer to each other over the past 3+ years and I’ve made it known during most of it that I wanted a more serious relationship out of our friendship, and he has shut me down about half a dozen times, saying he doesn’t want to date me in the long-run, so we agree to be friends but always end up getting close anyway and acting like a couple and spending just about every day and night together. This past summer we agreed to be exclusive for awhile (without seriously dating), and it’s been going really great, we both seem to be enjoying it, or so I thought…

Two weeks ago, we were sleeping and he got up in the middle of the night to go sleep on the couch. I was obviously worried and so I asked him what was wrong and he said he has just been really stressed lately and couldn’t sleep and it was unrelated to me. A day or two after, I tried to talk to him about what was going on and he just got upset and started crying and saying he couldn’t handle his stress and needed space and that I wasn’t helping him and I could tell he was really troubled. I sent him a long email the next day explaining my confusion over what had happened. He emailed me back and apologized for putting blame on me and explained that he’s just been depressed and has had a lot of anxiety this semester, and that this is the worst he’s ever felt for no apparent reason, and he needed time to get himself back up and learn not to hate his life and himself anymore, as he put it. He said that while he still cared about me, he doesn’t think we can see each other that much because he needs to be alone to figure out his life and that he doesn’t think we’ll work out in the long run. He’s afraid of us getting too close again and then having to go through “breaking up” again, but would still like to see me and be friends with the possibility of hooking up (which I offered in the email I sent him).

However, since then, he’s just completely shut me out basically all week I’ve realized that I shouldn’t take his ignoring of me so personally and that he does need space and time, but my main concern right now is that he seems genuinely depressed and not himself and it doesn’t seem to be getting better…I want to help him, but I know I’m probably not the best person to do so, and I really think he should talk to a counselor (which I have planned to do for myself because I can’t handle the stress this is putting me under), but I’m not sure how to even suggest it to him.

Can you please give me any advice on how I could help him? Or if I should back off? I’m worried that if left untreated, his depression could get worse. Also I know he says he doesn’t want to date me in the long-run, and I’m okay with it, so how can I show that I still want to be here for him as a friend?

Thanks so much,
Completely Frustrated and Sad

Dear Completely Frustrated and Sad,

You sound like a really good friend to this guy. Depression’s a bitch to deal with. It’s not easy to watch someone you care about go through it, especially when he seems resistant to any help you offer, and even harder when you feel like you can’t help at all. I think your instinct about suggesting he make an appointment to meet for a counselor is spot on. But there will come a point where you’ve done all you can and just have to keep being there for him, accepting that he’ll get help when he hits the point where he feels like he has to get help.

Besides being a good friend, you also sound a bit like you’ve let him take advantage of your feelings for him. But that’s the Yin and Yang of wibbly wobbley webs we weave with a FWB. There’s a point where it’s like: “I really care about you. I want more. You don’t believe we can have more so this is the best I’ll get and I guess I just have to make due with it.” And that sounds like what you’ve done. Settled for what you can get out of him and are trying to deal with a crisis he’s in. Does that situation sound okay for you? If it is, then okay. If not, then you might want to reconsider how much you’re willing to put in a place you don’t want to be in. The more you invest in something that you understand isn’t realistic, the more you close yourself off to the possibility of finding something more fulfilling. Food for thought. ‘S’all I’m sayin’…

People, well I should say most people, go through bouts of depression. And believe it or not, a lot of bouts come during college, especially freshman and senior years. Why? Well, there’s a theory that it’s because during those particular times in a person’s life they are at a point before, during or right after a major transition. Transitional times are scary times. Scary times can trigger depressive episodes in people. But it can hit you out of nowhere before you consciously understand what’s going on.

I’ve been in this spot, as far as dealing with the Debbie-Downers. Bottom line is you can offer all the help you want and be a good friend, offering him an ear and a shoulder, but you can’t make him take it. The less he’s willing and the more he pulls away from you, the more helpless about the situation you’re likely to feel. Which is going to increase your stress and make you feel crappy about yourself. Which you shouldn’t. His decisions have to be his decisions. You can’t push him towards healthier ones, just make offers and follow through, and be there for him if you’re willing to forgive the assholishness he’s throwing at you.

Chin up. Reassess. Change what you can, accept what you can’t. And he’s one of the things you can’t. But how much you allow his issues to weigh you down is something you can. Take care of yourself first and foremost, otherwise you’ll be in no shape to help anyone.

Here’s to good mental health,

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

Dear Dude,

I’m writing to you because I cannot stand sugarcoated advice, and I really can’t tell anyone else about this situation. Okay, so about a year ago, I met a guy in class and we really hit it off…. Problem was, he had a girlfriend. We started talking more and more though, he confided in me about his relationship, and our friendship grew stronger. I liked him a lot, so of course I couldn’t help but be excited when he told me that he had broken up with her.

By that point we were texting or talking pretty much daily. There had always been great chemistry between us, unlike anything I have ever felt before, so when our conversations starting turning sexual, I couldn’t have been happier to go along with it. I had never been so open with anyone; I felt as though I could tell him anything. Even more importantly, for the first time in my life I felt sexy and desired. Then, a few months later, he informed me that he was dating another girl. I was crushed, but at the same time I cared enough about him as a person that if he wanted to just be friends, I would legitimately be willing to be the best friend I could to him. If I still had him in my life and could spend time with him, I was okay with shutting down that part of our relationship at least temporarily. Read More »