Whether you’re wearing a pair of aviators (effortlessly cool), some Wayfarers (unleash your inner rock goddess), or even those funny, bug-eyed sunglasses (I never do quite understand fashion, but somehow—they work), there’s no outfit that isn’t a little more complete by a pair of sunglasses. While protecting your eyes and the surrounding facial areas is important, sunglasses don’t exist solely to shield your delicate skin from the sun’s harsh rays. There are social reasons, beauty reasons and even health reasons for wearing sunglasses. They are so much more than your eye’s guardian from the sun—they are your guardian from life itself.
1. To block out the haters.
Lil Wayne said it best in his track, “Bill Gates”: “Dark ass shades / I can’t see them haters.” Once you slip those sunglasses past the bridge of your nose, people disappear. You’re free to roam about in your own, protected, hater-free realm in peace and quiet.
Sunglasses are best used in this situation when you’re walking from your residence hall to the classroom.
2. To take a nap.
It’s 7 in the morning and you’re still unsure as to why you’re awake. You woke up this morning wondering when you could go to bed. Sunglasses have got you covered. Whilst you sit in your morning commute on the bus or train assaulted by bright fluorescent lights, let alone, the sun, slip on your sunglasses. Not only has your bus or train car become as dark as a movie theatre, but now you can sleep peacefully while in transit.
Try not to drop your head onto the shoulder of the passenger next to you.
3. We’re checking you out.
Guys aren’t the only ones who can stare at others in a nearly-predatory manner whilst on public transportation. In New York, avoiding eye contact with all humanity is a must when riding the subway. How then, pray tell, are you supposed to stare at all of the hot men on the subway?
Sunglasses, my friends, sunglasses. You’re merely staring at the 700th Dr. Jonathan Zizmor advertisement—not you. God, you’re so self-centered!
4. To avoid conversation.
With your sunglasses on, no one can see your eyes—duh, that’s a given. Why not use this to your advantage? Walking down the street and spot someone you know who irritates the ever-living sh*t out of you? Don’t feel like talking to them? Pretend you didn’t see them.
“Oh, did you see me? I’m so sorry—I must’ve not seen you!” You lie through your teeth as you grin and bear getting through a sunglass-less conversation with this forsaken individual three cloudy days later.
5. To mask the immense eye-rolling.
Sometimes, the individual you’re trying to avoid like the plague is aggressive and stops you in your tracks. He or she just had to tell you all about the cool things he or she is doing and how he or she is far more impressive than you (NEWS FLASH: I’M BORED).
Thanks to your sunglasses, you need not hide your distain. Let those eyes roll.
6. An air of mystery.
Walking down the street with no sunglasses is kind of okay. I mean, you’re doing your own thing, people don’t know who you are—the usual stuff, you know? The only problem, though, is that they can see your face (I’m not calling you ugly, calm down).
There’s a reason when you want to quickly protect someone’s identity, you put a black bar across their eyes in photos. Think of sunglasses as your real-life black identity protector. Once those sunglasses go on your face and block your eyes from the general populace, you are now a walking mystery. The mysteriousness is amplified if you’re wearing all black. Try it out.
7. We think we look cooler than you (and we do).
Sometimes, our boss outfit just doesn’t feel enough without a pair of shades. Like, sure, these skinny jeans are cool, torn and bad*ss, but my face doesn’t say “badass” (unless you have a chronic case of resting bitch face). Putting on those sunglasses creates the air of mystery mentioned in the entry above and can only add to your coolness factor.
If you catch yourself saying, “Caroline, you don’t look cooler than me in your sunglasses!,” that’s because I definitely look cooler than you and you’re feeling immensely insecure in your coolness factor. Grab a pair of shades.
8. To hide the fact that we slept maybe an hour last night.
Sunglasses, no matter how grumpy and irritable you may be from your lack of sleep, will be your best friend defending the public from the enormous bags underneath your eyes. Whether you need giant, bug-eye sunglasses or just a pair of regular sized sunglasses is up to your discretion. Defend your air of mystery by masking over the tears pricking your eyes because you’re so tired. No one needs to know that you’re that exhausted.
9. People watching.
No one likes the sensation of feeling like they’re being watched. With that said, you don’t want to be caught watching someone out in public. Sunglasses, however, allow you to watch to fulfill your heart’s desire. You appear to be staring vacantly at nothing in particular, but in reality, you’ve been staring at this guy who has been dancing in a speedo outside of Union Square for an hour. Thanks, sunglasses!
10. We’re violently hungover.
We’ve all been there—waking up after an indeterminate night of drinking face down in our bed, unsure how you returned home the night prior. The sun is gleefully pouring through your windows, warming your skin ever-so-gently as a gentle prod to wake and greet the day with a wide smile across your face.
And so you curse the sun and run into the bathroom to puke into the sink because apparently the toilet is much too far away.
You need to eat, but it is far too bright out. Begrudgingly, you put on your slippers and sunglasses and trudge out the door. The sunglasses make real life seem that much more bearable as you cry into your bacon, swearing to never drink again.
I know guys do this, too, but they look douchey when they do it. At least we look stylishly confused.
[Lead image via]