The 13 Types Of Professors You'll Meet in College

Despite what movies, television shows, and even the occasional song tell you, college is not all about partying, constant drinking into the late hours, and sitting on the Quad. You know all those expensive textbooks you were forced to buy at the beginning of the semester? Yeah, they have a use.
Like an educational use.
Don’t be surprised—you’re paying upwards of $50,000 annually to get an education. That being said, there has to be someone to give you that education.
Look, I don’t know if you go to class (and if you don’t, stop wasting your parents’ money and go to class), but without fail, there’s always that slightly older figure at the front of the classroom generally lecturing about some topic you agreed to learn about when you signed up for the class.
When you go to college, you’ll meet a vibrant mix of people from all corners of the Earth (or all corners of the Tri-State area if you go to my school). Not only will you meet your peers for the next four years, but you’ll meet a hodge-podge of professors. You’ll love them; you’ll hate them. Not one professor is like the other.

1. The Breathless Lecturer

This man or woman is a marvel of modern science. If you have class at 9 am, he or she has begun lecturing before you’ve even sat down to take out your notebooks and pens. He or she never stops to look at class notes or takes the time to write something down on the board. If you miss something, you’re screwed—he or she stops for nobody.
If you have class for an hour, he or she will lecture for the entire hour. You’ll walk out of that classroom with a hand cramp the world has never seen before.
Or perhaps you’ll give up halfway into the class. That’s totally understandable, too.

2. The Technologically Challenged

This professor insists on using the massive projector to show the class a video. Yet, it’s never a surprise when he or she cannot work the technology he or she has relied on for today’s class.
I never really understood that if you know you don’t know how to use technology, why would you plan whole lessons around a successful class viewing of a YouTube video? More importantly, why is this man or woman with a Ph.D. completely inept when it comes to the Internet?
He or she might even teach you a couple of new swear words. You’ll sit at your desk as your professor runs in and out of the classroom down to the department office looking for someone with technological skills to help him or her out.

3. The Foreign Wonder

It’s late at night and you just want to go to bed, yet you have to drag your *ss down to the off-campus building to spend an hour and fifteen minute period of quality time with the Foreign Wonder.
Someway, somehow, this man or woman was hired by your school to teach you some topic he or she is allegedly very qualified in. No matter where you sit in the room, the subject doesn’t make any sense. Honestly, you’re not even sure if he or she is teaching you material. His or her handwriting is one massive blob on the board and you can barely understand what he or she is saying. You leave the classroom feeling like you lost several brain cells in the process of learning.
Paired with unending exhaustion, your patience with this man or woman will run dry quickly.

4. The “I’m Compensating Via The Length Of My Syllabus” Professor

I once had a professor who insisted we printed out his entire 20+ page syllabus for the first day of class. He then spent the next TWO weeks reading each, agonizing page out loud to us to “ensure we knew and understood his class policies.”
Somehow, that man is the department chair.
Sometimes having a long syllabus is a good thing—it delineates everything you’ll learn that semester to the minutest detail, never once leaving you in the dark. However, when your professor starts to pack his or her syllabus with rubrics, “sign this and hand it in so I know you read this” sheets and their “Do’s-And-Don’ts’” of good writing, the syllabus becomes more of a professorial ego-boost than anything beneficial toward the student.

5. The Self-Promoter

The Self-Promoter doesn’t care if you don’t have the $80 to shell out on his or her textbook, he or she demands you have it for class. It doesn’t stop there, either. On top of that textbook, you have to purchase the other $100 book he or she wrote for your class and then the $75 textbook he or she was asked to review five years ago.
None of these books you’ll need for class—that’s just the nature of the Self-Promoter. After lining your college’s pockets with tuition money, you have to line your professor’s pockets with a couple hundred of dollars because his or her salary simply isn’t enough.

6. The “College Savvy” Professor

This professor has a tendency to bring up drinking far too frequently in class. When you’re hungover in class, the last thing you want to hear about is the ratio between orange juice and vodka in your next mixed beverage. You’ll wish that your professor would shut the f*ck up and just teach economics.
In some odd ploy to be more relatable to students, he or she will, like mentioned above, talk about things students are supposedly interested in. Whether that means he or she made the location of her problem sets at the local bar or the campus-favorite deli, your frustrations won’t stem from not understanding the coursework, but from his or her failed attempts to make the material relatable.
Just…just stick to numbers, lady/man.

7. The Surprise Professor

This professor is truly, madly, and deeply in love with pop quizzes. Whether that be a math or reading quiz, he or she keeps hitting you with “tiny” little quizzes that “barely affect your grade” because he or she just wants to “gauge how the class is doing.” To add insult to injury, he or she concludes handing out the quizzes by saying that he or she “wants to reward the ones who are actually doing the work” – as if that’s supposed to make his or her students feel better.
Bullsh*t, professor! You were literally sent from hell to punish all of us with incessant quizzes on material we never learned. I absolutely did the reading!
I don’t know if you heard about this, but there is such a thing called “test-taking anxiety” and “different methods of learning.” That’s why 75% of your class keeps failing your supposedly “easy” quizzes.

8. The Stylish One

When the Stylish One walks into your classroom on day one, you’ll feel incredibly underdressed. When you come into class wearing leggings or sweatpants for the fifth class in a row while your professor is in heels or a suit, you’ll slink down the back of your chair and pretend you no longer exist.
It’s a wonder that he or she has the motivation all semester long to dress himself or herself appropriately. That’s 15 weeks of stylish outfits, sir/ma’am! Are you mad!?

9. The Sprinkler

There’s a reason why there is a ring of empty desks surrounding this professor or that the front row of the classroom is devoid of any life. This professor is a water fountain. When he or she speaks, words and knowledge are not the only things coming out of his or her mouth.
There’s so much spit flying about. With the way his or her mouth fires it off, it’s amazing that he or she doesn’t take notice nor realize his or her students are literally fleeing to the back of the classroom.
Pray for the misguided soul who sits in the front of the classroom of the first day.

10. The Passionate Professor

Regardless of what he or she teaches or what your major is, every day you leave class, you’ll be inspired to the point where you want to follow the exact path that he or she did when he or she was a student. This professor comes into class with a massive smile on his or her face and the energy of a five year old after a nap. He or she never stops, is always available for office hours and genuinely wants his or her students to succeed in his or her class.
Feel blessed for encountering the passionate professor. Instead of nodding off in the back of the classroom, you’ll actually want to learn and will actually retain the information he or she preaches at the front of the class.

11. The “Comedian”

Instead of teaching, this professor will load his or her lectures and lessons with “jokes” to keep the class engaged. None of them are funny. Every time he or she makes a joke, you feel a part of your soul wither and die. You’ll have the poor soul in the front who is dying for an “A” in the course who forces a laugh every time.
You do what you what you must.

12. The Screamer

I had a very old, Japanese-American man as a philosophy professor this past semester. In addition to jumping all around the classroom with a giant smile on his face, he had a tendency to scream randomly while speaking.
Trust me when I say you will not need coffee when you have class with The Screamer—you’ll be a special kind of awake. He or she will barrage your ears when you least expect it. It’s important to note that the Screamer is rarely mad, he or she is just trying to make a point to the class. Write what he or she screams down immediately. You can thank me later.

13. The Distractingly Hot Professor

Embarrassing story time: I had taken a class with a Distractingly Hot Professor one semester. My school has English nights where professors come to talk about the classes they’ll be offering in the coming semester. Long story short, I wasn’t ready for the Distractingly Hot Professor to come in and immediately begin speaking and I nearly shot pizza out of my nose.
Yes, there are those kinds of professors on campus who, hopefully, won’t inspire you to shoot pizza out of your nose in a fit of sensory-overload. When they’re at the front of the classroom talking about chemistry, calculus, Shakespeare or German, suddenly your favorite subject is their respective field. You’ll see him or her walking about on campus and your heart will stop. It will be embarrassing and you will blush furiously during his or her office hours.
You’ll be trying to take notes but you can’t stop staring at them. Invest in an audio recorder.

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