Yes, I know the Autumnal Equinox hasn’t occurred yet and it’s not quite fall yet, but face it: you’re back on campus and you’re getting back into the groove of higher education. It doesn’t really matter what season it is–it’s the high time for stress and being smothered by your textbooks. You might be happy about it, or you could be like the rest of us who are already tired and taking naps.
“But, it’s only the first day!” You cry, “How could you possibly be tired!”
I spill my morning coffee all over my white shirt and stare you down, “I am in a very tender place. Please leave me be.”
It happens every year and you know it does. You want to start this semester right (which is such an arbitrary word—what is “right,” anyway?), which means that you start setting your alarms earlier, you make an effort to eat breakfast and go to the gym. Maybe you even color-coded your notebooks to your folders—look, I don’t know what you do.
You just need to be prepared for when it all falls apart in five days or less.
1. All right! First day—time to get sh*t done.
2. Gotta do my makeup.
3. Do my eyebrows look okay?
4. Who am I kidding? My eyebrows always look fab.
5. Breakfast time! Who am I going to see?
6. Oh, God. Not you.
7. Or you. ESPECIALLY NOT YOU.
8. Why are all the undesirables of last year coming out to play right now!?
9. I haven’t had my morning coffee—I have no time for your plebeian *ss.
This isn’t even coffee.
10. Okay, I’m just going to go to class and pretend that these encounters never happened.
11. Maybe I’ll make some new friends!
12. Hopefully my professor is somewhat cool.
13. [An hour and fifteen minutes later] READING THROUGH EVERY PAGE OF THE SYLLABUS IS NOT COOL.
14. I mean, at least the class seems nice.
15. Can’t ask for anything more than that, right?
16. Whatever.
17. Time for a nap!
18. [sets an alarm for 17.38 minutes]
19. [Wakes up late]
20. Okay, this is fine.
21. Just have to SPRINT down to class.
22. I didn’t need to eat anyway.
23. Yet another class of “I’m going to read the syllabus and use the same jokes” professor.
24. I’m on to you, lady.
25. You know, on second thought…
26. I don’t want to get sh*t done this semester.
B*tch, it’s the first day!
27. I just want to sleep.
28. Look, we had a good run, first day of school and all…
29. But I don’t think this is going to work out.
30. It’s not you, it’s me.
31. HELLO, BED.
32. Where’s the weekend?
