The month before moving into college, every college freshman is bombarded by family members and friends with college roommate horror stories. Despite what the roommate interview form seems to suggest (a roommate that you will mesh with impeccably), no matter what, according to these sources, you are doomed to have a terrible, weird-smelling monster as your roommate.
However, if you were like me, that was absolutely not the case. Sometimes, college freshmen get lucky and are paired with their roommate for life. This bond transcends any meager “best friend” term, it’s far more than that. You spend every waking second together. You make sure their feet are covered when they’re sleeping. You ensure that f*ckboy that broke her heart knows that you aren’t morally opposed to manslaughter.
In short, there are some surefire signs that indicate you and your roommate are essentially married at this point. But, honestly? Sometimes you just know.
1. You No Longer Find It Necessary To Impress Each Other
On the first night of college, you put on a facade to seem cooler and more collected than you were (a nervous freshmen on the verge of tears). Now? You explicitly tell your roommate the state of your bowels; that you’re incredibly gaseous or that you’re going to stay in bed until the end of time. None of the these statements make you bat an eyelash–this is normal.
2. You’re Not Sure The Last Time You Both Wore Pants Together
In fact, you furrow your brows in confusion at one another when you do have pants on in the room. This is a no pants zone, people!
3. Daily Day Recaps Consist Of “You Won’t Believe What This B*tch Did Today…”
Of course, if you somehow managed to be separated during the day, you ask her how her day went like any normal person would. However, the conversation never stays on the topic of how “good” or “bad” her day or your day went. It quickly delves into juicy gossip about what some guy or girl said in her government class today.
4. You Never Have To Worry About Weekend Plans
Stress no longer about texting people in order to find out what you’re going to be doing tonight. You’ll never be alone on the weekend. Once your roommate is back from class or work on a Friday evening, it’s only a matter of time before all hell breaks lose across your respective town, campus or city.
5. Their Family Is Yours And Vice Versa
You know all of your roommate’s brothers, sisters, parents, uncles, aunts and grandparents and they, vice versa. This bond you share with your roommate brings a whole new meaning to the saying, “Mi casa es su casa.”
6. Food Is Always Shared
When she comes home from the grocery store or the local bodega, she always offers some of her food to you. When you’re out on the weekend, you’re sharing drinks. If it’s in the room, your food is hers and hers is yours. Sharing is truly caring.
7. Poop Jokes Have Flown Through The Roof
“Girls don’t poop” is a total myth. Arguably, girls talk about poop far more than boys do as far as I’m concerned. You could be lying in bed when she starts opera singing the word “poop” for two minutes straight. Or she asks you a question and you promptly respond with “poop.”
It’s a real miracle that you two ever get anything done during the week.
8. You Take Care Of Each Other When You’re Sick
It’s inevitable that come the winter season, one of you is bound to get sick. Luckily for you, you don’t have to cry for your mother to come take care of you, or, the real tragedy: taking care of yourself. Your roommate is here to the rescue, urging you to go to the doctor, picking up prescriptions, bringing you chicken soup and the millionth bag of cough drops.
9. You Both Hate The Same People
When you’re sitting in the dining hall, people watching your fellow student body with your favorite person, you and your roommate can, without fail, groan at the same time when that dispicable individual saunters on in to the dining hall. You can give each other a knowing look, roll your eyes and begin to bitch loudly about said terrible person.
10. Staying In Is Just As Fun As Going Out
Who needs to be inappropriately groped at a bar when you can stay in with your roommate and dance to old middle school hits? As far as I’m concerned, that’s far better than any wild night on the town.
11. You Can Jump Right Into Bed With Them
A conversation across your room simply isn’t the same as chilling in one of your beds talking about your day, school, work or music. What better way to watch Netflix than with your roommate in her bed?
12. You Have Planned Your Future With Them
You have looked at apartments in the area, preparing early for when you two graduate. You’ve already decided on the size of the apartment you both need and the space you want to dedicate to your 500 pug puppies. While one of you continues on into graduate school and the other goes on to start her career, you’ve already planned out how to pay this rent and how to take care of the dogs first and foremost.
13. If Someone F*cks With Her, He Or She F*cks With You
If someone messes with her at work, at the bar, online, wherever, that individual best be ready to move out of the country lest he or she is ready to die an early death. No matter what, you’ve got her back and she’s got yours.
14. Her “yo bitch u alive” Text Is Far More Romantic Saturday Morning Than A “Good Morning, Beautiful :)” One
She is far more concerned with your physical well-being, you not being dead and your location whereas this guy thinks caring about your superficial beauty in the morning is something to be commended.
15. You’re A Packaged Deal
If you’re invited out somewhere, so is she. It’s gotten to the point where people text only one of you two, knowing that you’re both going to show up to whatever event has been planned.
16. Your Standard Hello Is Twerking At One Another
If you didn’t get low and shake your ass at her when walking back to your residence hall or on your way to class, did you even properly say “hello” to her?
17. She Reminds You Of All The Embarrassing Sh*t You Did Last Night
No longer will you ever have to worry about what silly antics you performed the night prior. At breakfast the next morning, she comes in with files and folders on your late night stupidity. She knows exactly what you did, who you were with and probably has the entire thing on her Snapchat story.
18. The Moment She Walks Out The Door, You Already Have Your Phone Out To Text Her
When she goes home for a weekend and leaves you to your own devices for the next two days, you’re left lost, crushed, cold and confused. As soon as she wriggles out of your hug goodbye, you’ve already whipped out your phone with an “I miss you” text message.
19. You Celebrate Each Others’ Successes
When one of you gets a new job, a good grade or does well in general, you party, you sing, you give ample amounts of high fives. There might be even screaming involved. You go out and celebrate, avoiding the dining hall at all costs and treat your fabuous roommate to real food.
20. You Power Through The Losses Together
You’ve sseen each other at your best and your worst. There are tissues passed around, tears shed, a lot of hugging and a group engorgement on comfort food and Ben & Jerry’s.
21. You Know You’re Going To Be In Each Others’ Lives Forever
The planned future aside, this girl is your best friend and you have no intentions of leaving her side any time soon. Way down the line, you’ve already decided that your respective children are going to be best friends. Your dogs are going to have playdates. Long story short, she’s not going anywhere without you.