When we were younger, autumn was a bittersweet season. While we dragged our feet going to the bus stop in the morning, we knew it was only a matter of time before October rolled around and things started getting exponentially spookier. We were only a couple of math problem sets and spelling quizzes away from the pure, sugar-driven joy that was Halloween. One night out of the year, it was totally appropriate for us to bang down the door of strangers demanding candy (something I wish was still appropriate for people my age).
By the end of the night, you lugged home a massive bag of sugary sweet treats for future consumption. However, not every door you stopped at was a grab-bag of delicious, sugary goodies. Sometimes you got a mystery candy, something chewy and gross, or something just flat out nasty.
Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?
1. Bubble Gum
You could chew bubble gum any day of the year—there’s nothing special about it. (Quite frankly, I don’t know why you would because bubble gum literally tastes like chewing on the bottom of a shoe.) When you received bubble gum on Halloween, you simply stared that the man or woman who placed such a nightmare in your candy bag. Couldn’t you splurge a little bit and give me like a handful of Jolly Ranchers? They’re the same size!
These candies are very aesthetically pleasing, but to the taste buds, they’re the equivalent of sad, stale fruit drops. Who even eats gumdrops in this day and age? The era of the goody, goody gumdrop is over.
3. Good & Plenty
What child in his or her right mind would willingly eat black licorice? They deceived you, taking the shape of their better-looking and better-tasting cousin, Mike & Ike. Even the creators knew that the mere sight of black licorice sends humanity running for the hills, hence the pink and white shell.
I know one person on this planet who enjoys raisins and I’m very afraid of her. When it’s Halloween, the last thing on your mind is making sure you poop properly at the end of the night. Who the hell wants to eat dried fruit on Halloween? Not little you.
5. Raisinets (???)
Do you think you were going to able to disguise the horrid flavor of a raisin by coating in misshapen chocolate? Do you think children are idiots!?
6. Peppermint Patties
I highly doubt that little kids were concerned with the scent of their breath after consuming pound after pound of candy. The cooling, numbing sensation of peppermint canceled out any warm, happy effect you had in your belly from stuffing your gut with Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.
I had a science teacher who handed these out as rewards in class in elementary school. This might explain why I science and I don’t get along these days.
7. Tootsie Rolls
When in a Tootsie Pop, these candies are delicious. However, when it’s just the little poop log wrapped in a twisted piece of paper, it’s just a world of disappointment waiting to explode in your mouth. Not only were they unbelievably tough and chewy, they didn’t really taste like chocolate to begin with.
8. Gummy Bears
Don’t get me wrong, I think these candies are adorable. They just don’t taste like anything but sadness and disappointment. They never actually taste like cherry when they say they do and the texture is just atrocious. Like Dots, I’d rather look at them than put my taste buds through that flavorless nightmare.
As an adult, Twizzlers are fine. As a child, they’re that “healthy” alternative to ever-delicious, chewy red licorice and ultimately a waste of stomach space. They’re oddly dry, don’t really taste like strawberries and a pain in the *ss to get out of the wrapper. Who thought it was a good idea to individually wrap these things? Have you ever gotten a plastic cut on your tongue from the wrappers? It hurts.
10. Candy Corn
I appreciate candy corn a lot more now than I did as a child. When I was younger, candy corn was this chalky, sugary, waxy substance that I felt obligated to eat because it was Halloween. It’s only around for one time of the year, after all.
11. That Weird Strawberry Wrapper Candy
I think we can all agree that any candy without a real name on the wrapper is certainly a candy to be suspicious of. This candy always found its way into our bags on Halloween and, without fail, remained un-eaten until next Halloween. The wrapper wasn’t even pretty? It was a half-done graphic design project from a first year student.
12. Swedish Fish
I’m nauseous even thinking about this candy. Why would you ever want to eat a candy fish? What’s even the flavor? It has no flavor!
13. Necco Wafers
Dry, tasteless, thin wafers that were such a cop-out on Halloween. Be nice this Halloween and buy your local children what they want: Smarties.
14. Circus Peanuts
Is this a marshmallow? That’s not what marshmallows are supposed to be shaped like. If I wanted to eat a peanut, I would have bought a bag of peanuts instead of going trick-or-treating. And why in the world is the peanut banana-flavored? Nothing good is ever artificially banana-flavored.
Dark chocolate is for adults. Coconut is for adults. If it doesn’t explode in your mouth into a wave of sugary, fruit-flavored goodness, children are going to hate it. Don’t hand out Mounds this Halloween, please. They just look like tiny turds.
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