Homecoming. My college tried to play the best Saturday of the entire semester off as “Family Weekend” or an “Alumni Event,” but a much more appropriate title would be “Watch Freshman Throw Up In The Parking Lot Day.” We were a Division 3 school so tailgating is confined to this one game per year (although I’m still not entirely convinced we have a football team…I’ve never made it to the game), so we went all out.
Naturally, once I graduated, I counted down the days to the weekend in October marked “HOMECOMING” in blue and gold on my Google calendar. I made my way to campus with a 24-pack of Bud Light in hand to reunite with my sorority sisters and college friends. About 12 minutes into the tailgate, I realized this was not going to be like the past four years. Homecoming as an alum is not quite the same as when you’re ruling the school.
Behold, the thoughts that go through the mind of a college alumni attending college homecoming.
1. I cannot wait to get shwasty pants on campus like old times.
2. Except…where am I going to crash after?
3. I can’t just crawl back to my dorm room?
4. College-me would wing this. Post-grad-me wants to plan everything.
5. Maybe I’ll figure it out after a few more mimosas…or shots.
6. Can I still wear my sorority letters or am I too old?
7. But seriously…who are all these girls in my letters.
8. I’ve been gone, like, 5 months, and they’ve already moved on.
9. Oh god…I forgot how many people I hate here.
10. *Avoiding eye contact with everyone*
11. Ha, these freshman look so lost.
12. Thank God I never looked that young.
13. Wait…do I look old?
14. I’ll just shotgun this beer to prove to everyone how young and cool I still am.
15. It’s noon and I already feel drunk.
16. My tolerance is gone.
17. I should warn all the kiddos to enjoy their youth.
19. “Seriously. NEVER GRADUATE. NEVER”
20. I’ve had the same five minute conversation about my sucky job approximately 60 times now.
21. I’m just going to lie and say everything is great and I’m definitely not still living with my parents.
22. Gimme all the cheeseburgers.
23. Do I know the score of what?
24. There’s a football game going on? Lolz K.
25. If one more person says “It’s so weird to be back,” I’ll lose it.
26. Dear junior year booty call, please stop pretending you care about my life.
27. Actually…what are you doing later?
28. Look at these youths still going strong as my hangover takes over at 6 p.m.
29. I feel old.
30. But really, is it bedtime yet? Because I know this hangover is going to last until Tuesday, at least.