They say being in your twenties is the greatest time of your life. You’re energetic, youthful, and have your whole life ahead of you. Yet I have a message to whoever “they” are: Your twenties are f*cking hard. In fact, I wish I was energetic. For every old person who tells me, “You’re young, you shouldn’t be tired,” I want to punch square in the nose. Last time I checked, working a full-time job, going to the gym, doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, buying groceries, etc. will make anyone, even the most spritely of millennials, pretty damn tired.
But I digress.
The point is that when you’re in your twenties, you’re still trying to figure life out. You’re also trying to decide who should be in it. Sometimes the girl you called your bff in high school doesn’t always make the cut as you get older. Here are the telltale signs your “friend” is a total asshole.
1. They call when they want to brag.
Oh wow, I haven’t heard from you in forever, but I’m so glad the cute guy you work with smiled at you in passing. Con-f*cking-grats.
2. They ask how you are only when you tell them they haven’t asked in a while.
This doesn’t have to be the Megan Show, but if you could ask how I’m doing every once in a while, that’d be pretty cool. (Although the Megan Show would be awesome, tbh).
3. They can’t be happy for you.
You tell them about how great your job is, how you love your new apartment, and how you have a cute neighbor, but their only response is, “I thought you said the other day that you were stressed at your job.” NEWSFLASH: Every job is going to be stressful; it doesn’t mean I’m going to put in my two weeks.
4. They never visit after you moved out.
If they were really your friend, don’t you think they would have visited you when you moved…seven months ago?
5. The conversation is always one-sided.
You feel bad bringing yourself up from time to time, but like hello?! Are they in a friendship with themselves? Apparently so, because they cut me off anyway.
6. They give bad advice.
Directly after a break-up you may need some consoling, not someone telling you that you’re mentally insane.
7. They stop talking to you once they’re in a relationship.
Stereotypical but true. And who will be there for them when things crash and burn?
8. You’re the last to know.
When something is happening in my life- whether good or bad- my friends know almost immediately. Now it seems like everyone finds out about major life events via Facebook and Instagram, which is how I found out my so-called bff was in a relationship.
9. They use you.
They’ll call to ask you a question that will help them to some degree based on your answer. Case in point: A friend asked me recently where a good restaurant is uptown, though never invited me. I get that I don’t need to be invited to every dinner party, but if you’re calling just to ask me about that, I expect an invitation. In fact, she didn’t even ask how I was. The conversation lasted about ten seconds. Isn’t that what Yelp is for?
10. They can’t stop talking about how great their other friends are.
While it’s fantastic that Cheryl is so wonderful, if they can’t stop talking about her for five seconds and talk about how wonderful you are every so often, it might be a reality check that you’re friends with a jerk. Because let’s be honest, you are.
Word to the wise? Cut this asshole loose. And if your brave enough, share this passive-aggressively with the world in hopes that this assholey friend will read it and question their life choices.
