What The Stuff In His Apartment Says About Him

I’m a firm believer that you can learn more about a guy by going to his apartment than talking to him over dinner. Seeing his place for the first time is like delving into his psyche, in a non-creepy way. For example, does he have dirty clothes lying around everywhere? Does he still sleep on Pokemon sheets? Is his “apartment” actually his parents house? Surprise!

Men don’t realize this, but that weird pull-up bar in his doorway tells us more about him than he probably wishes. Here’s how to decode his apartment one item at a time…also in a non-creepy way.

If: He uses a pillow case and cardboard as curtains.

Maybe: He hasn’t had the time to go to Home Depot yet…even though he’s lived there for nearly a year…and Home Depot is right down the street.

Or: He’s not really into decorating, and he’s not really into you.

It is true that men and decorating go together just about as much as apples and oranges, IN GENERAL OKAY CALM DOWN. Yet if he hasn’t fixed that hack job of a “curtain” in nearly a year, and he has yet to define your relationship after nearly a year, it’s time to cut ties.

If: He has a PS4, a Wii, an XBOX One, and an XBOX 360.

Maybe: He enjoys playing the occasional game after a long day at work and likes variety.

Or: He’s a closeted gamer who isn’t looking for anything serious and probably doesn’t actually have a job.

“Generally speaking, if a man spends disproportionate time on video games, he probably isn’t a master of real relationships,” says Douglas Weiss, president of the American Association for Sex Addiction Therapy.

If: He has a stolen street sign and a baseball mitt as his only decorations.

Maybe: He’s a minimalist.

Or: He’s a klepto and would be that guy at a restaurant who tells you to put the utensils in your purse.

Run far, far away. As far and as fast as you can- before you two become the next Bonnie and Clyde.

If: He has a pull up bar in his doorway.

Maybe: He can’t afford a gym.

Or: He’s super insecure and has probably never gotten laid.

He also masturbates three times a day (at least) and his mom still does his laundry.

If: His bed is messy, there are empty beer bottles in his room, and there are posters of naked women on his wall.

Maybe: He’s just going through a rough time.

Or: He still thinks he lives in a frat house, and he’s 25.

You are not still in college, I repeat, you are not still in college.

If: He has a ton of framed selfies of himself around his room.

Maybe: He had a bunch of really good hair days.

Or: He’s a legit psychopath.

A dude who takes a ton of selfies is considered more narcissistic than other men, which means he thinks he’s hot sh*t in basically every aspect of life. Not surprisingly, these guys also scored higher on the psychopathic scale.

If: His bed is made, he has posters/memorabilia from traveling, a neatly piled book collection, and a pair of skis in the corner.

Maybe: He’s gay.

Or: He’s perfect.

MARRY HIM.

Take these for what you will, but the next time you dive head first into a relationship with a guy whose last 18 profile pictures are of himself, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

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