There’s no question that wine drunk is the best kind of drunk. Sure your hangover might be terrible (are any ever good?), but at least you feel classy AF. Plus wine is technically fruit, so it’s healthy…right? Any activity that encourages me to eat cheese is also A-OK in my book.
Here’s the 6 stages of being wine drunk, because yes, there’s a drastic difference between one glass of wine and eight.
Stage 1: 1-3 Glasses of Wine
At this level, all is still innocent. Maybe you’re out to dinner with a friend, gossiping about your coworker, baking cookies, or binge watching New Girl. You’re feeling good, but not too good. You might brag about yourself and talk about your future goals, but not in a completely obnoxious way- yet. You use words like “indeed” and “possibly” while sticking your pinky out. In other words, you’re still a classy b*tch.
Stage 2: 4 Glasses of Wine
You’re loosening up, and it’s during this stage that you stupidly decide to Facebook stalk your ex. You find out that he’s now engaged with a baby on the way and it’s at this moment, you decide ask for glass #5.
Stage 3: 5-7 Glasses of Wine
Your inner sex goddess begins to come out. You text your FWB to see if he’s down. When he says he’s not available tonight, you flirt with the bartender because there’s no way you’re not getting some tonight. This is where things get dangerous because you’re now an unstoppable sex machine who will no longer listen to friends’ advice. You send out a few more “Heyyy 😏” messages to see if anyone decides to take the bait. When they don’t, you determine it’ll just have to be a night of you and Eager Beaver- aka your vibrator.
Stage 4: 8-9 Glasses of Wine
Now is when you start obnoxiously bragging about yourself, like how you won the science fair 12 years ago. All inhibitions are lost and extensive damage control will have to happen in the morning. You’ve passed the point of no return and any and all things that happen from this point on may or may not be remembered.
Stage 5: 10-11 Glasses of Wine
You unapologetically admit to your sister that you had a threesome while studying abroad and proceed to giggle uncontrollably. A filter no longer exists, your tone gets louder, and tomorrow is officially not going to be fun.