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10 Of The Best Quotes From Last Night’s ‘Not The White House Correspondents Dinner’

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Jason Kempin / Getty

Last night, for the first time in 30 years, our president chose not to attend the White House Correspondents Dinner, a light-hearted tradition that usually involves the president attempting a funny speech poking fun at the media and a professional comedian hired to poke fun at them both. (He instead attended a…rally. In Pennsylvania.)

Not only did the nerd prom go on without him, but Iconic Comedian Extraordinaire (to introduce her like Tyra Banks a la America’s Next Top Model) Samantha Bee held one of her own, the televised “Not The White House Correspondents Dinner.”

Bee strode in clad in a white power suit, armed with as many skewering jokes as could fit in an hour-long segment. Her event featured a slew of celebrities, from Allison Janney to Will Ferrell (who reprised his role as George W.), and it was so funny, I watched it twice. (It also was on TBS back-to-back and I couldn’t find the remote, so I just watched it again.)

This gave me ample opportunity to enjoy the best bits, by Bee herself, Janney, and more.

  1. “Sam has no bias against white men, she just can’t tell you apart and thinks you all know each other.” -Allison Janney
  2. “At a later date, I will get Mexico to pay for all your drinks.” -Bee, to her guests
  3. “You continue to fact check the president as if he might someday get embarrassed!” -Bee, to journalists
  4. “Anderson [Cooper] is a smart reporter! Give him is black t-shirt back and point him toward a natural disaster!” -Bee, roasting CNN’s news coverage
  5. “CNN gives you news like your shitty boyfriend gives you orgasms.”
  6. “We sent some queries to Steve Bannon and we just got a blank e-mail back from him.” -NY Mag’s fact checker on fact-checking the new presidency
  7. “A giant pussy can get elected as long as he doesn’t have one.”
  8. “Where the hot racists at?”
  9. “65 million dollars and age-appropriate retirement. Ah, justice.” -Bee, poking fun at the “justice” for Bill O’Reilly
  10. “[Trump] has tweeted more about Fox and Friends since being elected since he has about Tiffany since he got his Twitter eight years ago.”

And, my favorite joke of the night:

“You sold people on huge expectations and lies, but all you’ve managed to do in 100 days is invite a bunch of rich wankers to town and deliver a dangerous, poorly executed shit sandwich. You’re basically the presidential Fyre Festival.”

Fyre Festival jokes forever.

 

 

 

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  • COLLEGECANDY Writer
    Writer. Boxed mac & cheese aficionado. I tried to start a girl-band when I was 12.
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