In light of the premiere on Monday, ABC has finally released its list of male candidates vying for Rachel Lindsay’s heart and… its a dumpster fire. We have men with dubious professions, sexist inklings, and seriously transphobic mindsets. There are so many men to eliminate this year that my bracket is going to take serious consideration and editing. It’s also possible I missed a few because so many of these men have pastel v-necks and scrubby beards that I genuinely cannot tell them apart. That said, these are the ten men Rachel needs to vote out first — that are also most likely to be the first to say a racist/sexist comment or make a microagression — so plan your brackets accordingly.
- Blake E. He is an aspiring drummer and once reportedly got engaged to a crazy girl. He also hates when his date tells him about her cats (do you have a problem with cuddly cuteness, BLAKE?) AND has once been engaged for 48 hours. We don’t know yet if that’s the “crazy girl” or another woman.
- Adam says the best gift he ever received was a “threesome” for his birthday. He also says his favorite actor is “Jennifer Lawrence because she is every girl’s goal.” Cool with the pick, but not at all with the reasoning. I just have an inkling Adam needs to read some feminist literature.
- Jonathan‘s profession is “tickle monster.”
- Bryce‘s biggest fear is “the chick is actually a dude.” Next. Next. Next.
- Diggy once spent all day with a girl who “received a text saying her brother was missing” then “played asleep” so he wouldn’t have to help. What, are you a sociopath? Her brother was missing! God, what the hell, Diggy?
- Milton is really just here to get discovered. #NotHereForTheRightReasons. You’re not supposed to admit that, Milton! That doesn’t come out until episode six or seven!
- Jamey‘s ideal date “looks like a model.” He does not have any female friends and seems proud of that fact. He tries not to make plans in life. Dude what is your damage??? (And are you Mike Pence’s illegitimate child?)
- Lucas‘ ideal mate looks like Belle, Cinderella, or “the best” Jessica Rabbit. Talk about unrealistic beauty standards. He also has an ant farm.
- Alex can’t think of a third band he likes other than Coldplay and the Beatles. Music “isn’t a big part” of his life. Rachel would be doomed to a silent, music-free existence with this man and his ants.
- Grant focuses on the future. “No need to dwell on past issues or time periods.” (Except history tends to repeat itself so you should really pay attention, Grant.)
Good luck, Rachel. Our hearts are with you in this difficult time.