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Maggie Gyllenhaal Wants You To STFU About Taylor Swift’s Scarf

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The actress Maggie Gyllenhaal wanders through Central Park, her lazy Sunday characteristically relaxing and unplanned. Maybe she’ll grab something from Au Bon Pain, but maybe she won’t. She’s left her schedule purposefully empty so that her day can remain tranquil in light of more recent, stressful events.

She lets her music glide gracefully in and out of Spotify’s charts while deciding where to sit and go over a few lines.

“No, not this one,” Gyllenhaal whispers to herself as she looks down at her iPhone and skips past “Look What You Made Me Do.” Never that one.

Suddenly, she sees it. Emerging from the park’s lush greens, just by 72nd and Central Park West, a flash of crimson appears in the corner of her eye. “NO!” she yelps, looking around to make sure no stray Dark Knight fans are approaching.

“It can’t be,” Gyllenhaal mutters before straightening up. “Calm down, Mag. You’ve got this.”

She breathes deeply, steadies herself and keeps moving, though she hears its familiar flailing following just behind her. “Oh, god!”

And just like that, the red scarf flutters from the bushes, launching itself onto her face and wrapping her up into its dreaded, probably trademarked clutches.

Maggie Gyllenhaal awakens, drenched in a cold sweat and trying not to think about her brother’s dreaded ex. Sadly, her nightmare is just beginning. She has a Watch What Happens! Live appearance to get to and surely, someone somewhere will call in and ask her about Taylor Swift‘s scarf.

Maggie Gyllenhaal recently appeared on Andy Cohen’s Bravo talk show and faced a series of fan questions, including a frequent inquiry about the status of Taylor Swift’s lost scarf.

For reference, Swifties will often ask about Taylor Swift’s scarf because the item of clothing is mentioned in Swift’s best song of all time, “All Too Well.” Swift dated Jake Gyllenhaal and sings about leaving her scarf at his sister’s house in a drawer.

Maggie Gyllenhaal, for her part, doesn’t know what the hell anyone is talking about.

“What is this?” Gyllenhaal asked the show’s host after hearing the question once again.

“I am in the dark about the scarf,” she confessed. “It’s totally possible. I don’t know, but I have been asked this before and I’ve been like, ‘What are you talking about?'”

This is how I answer when anyone asks me about my exes. I get it, Maggie. Scarf? Don’t wear ’em. Taylor Swift? Who? Never heard of her.

“I feel like you need to look for the scarf and then put it on eBay,” Cohen advised. This would be an amazing idea if Taylor Swift weren’t the queen of lawsuits. Maggie Gyllenhaal would be knee-deep in court fees before you could say cease and desist.

Luckily for everyone involved, Taylor Swift is incredibly rich and most likely keeps a penthouse in every state solely for drawers filled with scarves. Taylor Swift has probably bought scarves spun from gold since the loss of this particular one.

In New York City, the TV flickers off. Andy Cohen only annoys her.

“But that one,” she murmurs. “That scarf is the one that I want.”

A snake slithers from beneath a one-of-a-kind chaise lounge embroidered with lyrics and constricts itself around a framed photo of Kim and Kanye kissing.

“The nightmare,” Taylor Swift says as she begins to rise from her throne, dials Joseph Kahn’s number and giggles to the tune of a Peaches song, “Oh, the nightmare. It has only just begun.”

COLLEGECANDY Writer
Brooklyn-based writer and editor who is probably eating Mexican food and yelling something about feminism, the Kardashians and/or finding the perfect highlighter.