Fiona the hippo may not be the hero this broken world deserves, but she is the one we need right now. She was born prematurely with low odds of survival, and rose as a beacon of hope, body-positivity, radiance, and regality to pin our desperate dreams on when we needed her the most.
Naturally, as the most famous and beloved hippo in the land, she is now considering suitors, a process that has her fans racked with nerves. How can we make sure her partner is good enough for her? What if he breaks her heart? This is all happening too fast!
On Thursday, Timothy, two-year-old hippo at the San Antonio Zoo, sent the hippo-version of a DM on the park’s Facebook account.
“My name is Timothy,” the post reads. “I recently moved out of my mom’s house to San Antonio and currently live with my grandma, Uma who I love very much. My grandpa, Tumbo was a cover model for National Geographic magazine. Grandma says that’s where I get my great looks. I have seen your pictures and videos on the internet at the Cincinnati Zoo & Botanical Garden and I think you are the most beautiful hippopotamus I have ever seen. Perhaps we can meet someday and be boyfriend and girlfriend? I am single and available.”
Dear Fiona,My name is Timothy. I recently moved out of my mom's house to San Antonio and currently live with my…
I just don’t know, you guys. Timmy should be valuing Fiona for ~more~ than her flawless physique.
Fiona was slow to answer, waiting an entire day to respond like the queen she is.
“Fiona thinks you’re cute too, but it’s what’s on the inside that counts!” Cincinnati Zoo responded on their Twitter account. “Your DNA will decide if you’re the one for our little diva. Any potential mate would have to be ok w/ taking a back seat. Are you ok w/paparazzi? Most importantly, are you willing to relocate to Cincinnati?”
Fiona thinks you’re cute too, but it’s what’s on the inside that counts! Your DNA will decide if you’re the one for our little diva. Any potential mate would have to be ok w/ taking a back seat. Are you ok w/paparazzi? Most importantly, are you willing to relocate to Cincinnati? https://t.co/7XFCiYnyz7
— Cincinnati Zoo (@CincinnatiZoo) March 9, 2018
Despite her list of qualifications, Fiona’s fanbase is hesitant about her falling for an older guy (who may not appreciate her or be able to adapt to her celebrity lifestyle).
I don’t like this one bit
— outlaw laser robo geek (@kendallakez) March 9, 2018
There is a young boy hippo from the San Antonio zoo hitting on Fiona and I’m feeling a little protective. Can I meet this hippo before It goes any further? What other hippos is he hanging around? Is he involved in extracurricular activities? Play any sports? What’s his gpa?
— Rose Lavelle (@roselavelle) March 9, 2018
Fiona the hippo is too young to date! Let her enjoy her childhood
— rad dad redemption (@blamemygun) March 10, 2018
Careful, Timmy. Fiona is a treasure and she deserves to be treated as such. We’re going to need a list of references (and a frank conversation with Dua Lipa) before this continues any further.