Hey Dude,
I’m 18 and I’ve never had a boyfriend nor have I had sex (or gotten past 2nd base). I’m 5’8″ and I weigh quite a bit. I’m a size 17 pants and x-large shirt (mainly due to my boobs). My friends that are guys and girls say I’m pretty, but I don’t feel it. I’m terrified of relationships because I have an irrational fear that they are actually going to see me for me and hate me.
I’m terrified to get too intimate with a guy because I think that as soon as he sees the stretch marks on my tummy or the fat on my thighs he is going to haul ass the other way and never speak to me again. As soon as I realize a guy is even a little interested in me I freak out and tell him I’m not interested but then when he loses interest I go back to liking him.
Am I a freak? Do guys realize that I’m a freak or is it because of my weight? Is it normal to be this afraid of intimacy or relationships? What should I do? Do guys even find me attractive? How do I know my friends aren’t lying to me to comfort me? I realize that this a lot of questions and you might not be able to answer all of them but I need an outsider to slap me with the truth.
Sincerely,
I’m going to end up with 50 cats, aren’t I?
Dear I’m going to end up with 50 cats, aren’t I?
The number of cats you end up with will depend on how much you love cats and the kind of access you have to cats that need a good home. Hopefully, you’ll also take into account space. Nothing’s worse than a 500 square foot studio with 50 cats. Just, no. But onto 20 questions!
No, you’re not a freak.
Because you are not a freak then guys don’t think you’re a freak. For some guys it might be the weight, while for others it’s probably because of your insecurity.
You should give yourself a break and work towards loving yourself before you expect to get that kind of validation from others.
Yes, I’m sure there are guys who think you’re hot and want to get jiggy with you.
You don’t know if your friends aren’t lying to you. That all depends on how much faith you have in your friends to be honest and supportive. It sounds like they’ve got your back though.
It sounds to me like you have a crisis of confidence. You’ve found a bunch of reasons to think of yourself as a freak and in doing so have shrunk your ego down to the size of a sparrow egg. You have let your fears about your weight grow to the point where you can’t let them go long enough to enjoy a boy for even an evening. You’re denying yourself. You have to get out of your own way. It’s completely understandable and conquerable.
We all find times in our lives where we’re worried about how our naked bits look to people. We’re in a beauty obsessed culture that’s merciless to those of us who don’t fit the artificial (and damn can we all agree it’s completely unrealistic?) standard of what qualifies as attractive. Sometimes we can snap ourselves out of these self-loathing streaks and other times we can’t. When we can’t, we can start a cycle that only makes us more upset and less sure of ourselves: we focus on the negative, make choices that hide them, make ourselves feel bad for not making better choices to “fix” them, and then make ourselves feel like we deserve to be miserable because we aren’t strong enough to control “what’s wrong with me!” And repeat. And repeat. And repeat until we’re barely able to function socially and are a bundle of bad thoughts that put a barrier between us and being happy. Time to chip the f*ck away at your barrier!
There are guys out there that aren’t into big girls. It’s what it is. There are guys who aren’t into skinny girls, either. Mostly, what guys don’t find attractive is a lack of confidence. One of the hottest girls I know is plus size and one of the reasons she’s hot is because she owns who she is, she owns her curves, and she knows that her looks aren’t what define her. What you look like is often a reflection of how you see yourself. If you see yourself as a freak and unattractive and unworthy then that’s going to be the vibes you send out to everyone around you. What can we do to get your groove back?
First, make a choice. Make a choice that makes you feel good about the way you look. Whether that’s deciding you want to jog 10 minutes a day to lose the weight, to drop soda or a high calorie food from your diet, or if it’s to go out and buy a dress that celebrates your curves, doesn’t matter. Make a choice, a small one, something that you can accomplish and can reinforce the fact that you’re beautiful. You’re not a freak, you’re f*cking hot and you believe that.
Next, make an addition and a subtraction to your usual routine. Again, this could be a daily or thrice weekly jog. Try a new coffee spot. Maybe sign up for a yoga class or a cooking class-pick something you have been interested in but haven’t done for one reason or another. Sometimes we have to get a little distance from the trap we’ve put ourselves in before we can find a way out.
Small changes, attainable goals, these are things that give us back a sense of ownership of who we are and what our lives are all about. You have to build yourself back up to where YOU think you’re sexy and worthy of being happy and of putting yourself out there and then THOSE will be the vibes you send out to everyone around you.
Give yourself permission to love yourself and you will receive love from others. Sounds cliché because it is cliché. And we all know how things get to be cliché: at the core, there’s some truth.
Don’t give up on you and what you deserve,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
Does My Weight Make Me A Freak? [Ask A Dude]
