Dear Dude,
So I had been having a weird undefined casual sex thing with the same guy for over a year. Mostly I’d come over and we’d watch Netflix and have sex, but it slowly progressed into something more. We’d have pretty deep conversations and talk about other people we were dating or sleeping with and make fun of what we didn’t like about them and give each other advice. He slept with me on Valentine’s Day and gave me birthday sex and came out to the bar on my birthday and chilled with my friends. He even visited me at work, which I was shocked about because I had never seen him during the day.
It seemed like he was putting in way more effort and maybe was actually starting to catch feelings. When I finally told him I was into him and wanted more he said he had a girlfriend and things were “real” with her. Things weren’t that real with his girl when we were having crazy pool sex the weekend before so what gives? Am I a crazy lunatic here or is he just an asshole?
Sincerely,
Not a “Real” Girl
Dear Not a “Real” Girl,
Keeping it casual and sexy can come with some risks. You had a frisky friend for a year and then come to find he’s got a gal he calls, Serious. What gives? Is he just an asshole, you ask? No, he’s not just one, he’s about as big of one as you could have possibly dreamed of finding. I’m pretty sure if you took the TARDIS back to the beginning of his life, and visited him every Christmas with another incident to totally crap on his existence and make him a bigger d-bag than Bieber, you might not have been able to exactly recreate this level of a-holery. Does that answer your question?
I mean, maybe you’re also jealous? Perhaps? But, like, you’ve got all the good reason in the world to be PO’d. If what he says is true, that he’s had a girlfriend this whole entire time, then that means he’s been cheating on her, with you, for about a year. You’ve been the other woman and had no clue. He’s been lying to you all the time, every time. Completely valid reason for wanting to crush his bones like jelly. Why’d he do it? Well, he was, in the words of another total d-bag: “winning.”
Look at it from his smug situation: he’s got a girlfriend. He’s got the “real” thing and then he’s got the hot sexy serving on the side (that’d be you). He could have the relationship and get the escape. He thought it was all good in the hood, what’d he have to risk? Until you wanted to move things more serious. You upset the balance. You ended the game. As far he’s concerned, most likely, you ruined a good thing for him. And he assumes it was a good thing for you, too.
Which it was, for a while. Then, as often happens with these kinds of casual things, you thought you saw the signs and they opened up your eyes to be a bit bolder. Maybe there was more you could get and give to each other? Enough time and non-sexy time had occurred. He met some boyfriend criteria in terms of his actions and you jumped. Unfortunately, you fell. Now it’s time to get back up.
This dude was bad news. How much worse would it have been if he’d taken up your offer and THEN later down the line you found out you were the also-ran? It’s small comfort, I know, but take what silver lining that you can out of this situation: you’re free and you’ve avoided a much bigger headache. You’re taking the high road and not going to his “real” girlfriend to rat him out. That’s a short-sighted satisfaction. Probably. There are pros to that scenario, admittedly, but it’ll just entangle you in his life for a while longer. Is that really what matters right now? Focusing on him? He’s not worth your time.
Everyone’s got an asshole. You’ve been dealing with a bigger one than you ever imagined. But now it’s time to take some learned lessons, like setting the ground rules and either making a pact to know or not know about other people you’re seeing seriously while you hook up with someone, and move on. This is a massive blow. Take your time. Get your bearings. Focus on what you need to do for yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t totally bum out on yourself for too long. Wishing you were smarter about the situation, or not as hurt, isn’t going to help. You have accept where you. That’s the only place you can actually move forward from.
Did someone say it’s Miller Time?
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
I Wasn't His "Real" Girlfriend? [Ask A Dude]
