Are you in a relationship? Are you having a lot of sex? Are you having what you’d call a “normal” amount of sex? Do you feel like you’re having too little sex? Do you not think about how much sex that you have? Well, get ready all you folks out there dealing with any of the first four out of five questions I’ve raised: I’m going to help you understand EXACTLY how much sex you should be having.
A lot of articles you read, and people who’ve had couples counseling, seem to come back with a common number: twice per week.
Where do they come up with that number? Even sex therapists will say they’re not going off of a scientific study. Does that number come from the fact that other happy couples are having sex that much? Is it because that seems like a reasonable amount? Maybe that’s a good compromise between two people, one who wants more sex and one who wants less sex? Whatever the reason, that’s the answer usually given.
Two times a week, about 104 times per year, simple math? Right? So that’s the answer then, right? WRONG! It’s wrong because it’s a made up number with no ACTUAL scientific proof.
You should have sex however much makes you and your partner happy. Period. There’s no exact number and whatever number makes you happy now might change over time. You change over time. Your schedules change over time. Your hormonal levels change over time. Meaning, your body’s need/want/craving/ability for sex changes over time. Plus, what if you have kids? What if you move? What if you get separated for a couple of months because of work? All of these variables have so much bearing on what the right amount is.
The real question is: are you happy? If you’re not then do you think more or less sex is going to solve your problems? If so, you’re approaching this all wrong. Sex isn’t penicillin. It’s not an overkill solution that’ll cure a spectrum of problems. Sex is a symptom, maybe a tool, certainly one part, of creating a meaningful relationship that’s rooted in intimacy. It is ONE way to bond together intimately. Just one.
Assigning a number can be dangerous for some couples. Here you are, you’re already having problems and now you’ve got one more rule to abide by? On the other hand, appointing a time to make an effort to be intimate isn’t the worst idea in the world if you feel like you’re drifting apart. Again, it’s dependent on the couple. That’s why there isn’t a “right” number in general, there’s an optimal number for your relationship.
I’ve known couples that had sex less than ten times a year. And were happy. I’ve known others that were having sex about ten times a year and they were miserable. And I’ve known the opposite, couples going at it like the world was about to end in twenty minutes, some in very healthy relationships and others in destructive ones. Sex isn’t always the central problem and it isn’t the be-all solution. Unfortunately, it’s convenient to confuse it as one or the other since it’s something physical. You can cite how much sex your having to prove a point, whatever point you’d like to make. Make no mistake: some people will suddenly want to have more sex because they’re insecure and others will want to have less sex because they feel neglected. It can be used to serve any master so, by itself, sex doesn’t have one definite meaning.
Sex is just sex. We’ll go through periods in our lives where we want to have more and where we don’t notice how little we’re having. There’s nothing wrong in and of itself to want more or less. Look at what sex means to you: Intimacy, power, security, comfort, maybe any or all at different times. Whatever you feel like you need more or less of is what you’re actually addressing, and you’re addressing it using sex.
Don’t go crazy trying to find the mythical “right” number. What matters is making sure you and your partner are happy with the amount of sex you’re having. If not, COMMUNICATE! Don’t judge. Try to avoid acting out. TALK TO EACH OTHER! That’s what partners do. Like momma always said, “If you can’t even talk about it then you probably aren’t doing it right.”
“‘Scuse me while I whip this out,”
The Dude
[Lead image via gpointstudio/Shutterstock]
How Often Should Couples Have Sex?
