Hi Dude,
So there’s this guy I know who wants to be FWB and I want to, but my number (of sexual partners) keeps making me hesitant. I’m 18 and I’ve slept with 3 guys, 2 of them only once and I feel like that is a lot. Is having 4 sexual partners too many? I don’t want guys to think I’m a slut and not want to date me when they find out my number.
Sincerely,
Deeply concerned
Dear Deeply concerned,
You’re worried the number of men you’ve done the horizontal mambo with is too high at…3? 4? And you’re saying that the reason you’re worried it’s too high is because you think that if a guy finds out he’ll slut-shame you? Oh dear me, I want you to take a deep breath and repeat after me: “A number is just a number.”
Slut-shaming is bullcrap. It’s bullying. It’s demeaning. It’s bullcrap. Anybody who would resort to something that heinous isn’t worth a millisecond of your time or concern. Slut-shaming can be rooted in different motives but the manner in which it is carried out is the same: Cruelty. There’s no reason someone should judge you based on a number. It’s stupid. Repeat: Stupid. It’s a fairy tale reason to make someone feel superior over another person. I’m not going to speculate why someone would want to feel superior, and want to hurt someone else in order to do it, the “why” is at the bottom of my list of concerns. Actions are more important than intentions. Slut-shaming is an act that one commits. I could not give a damn if a woman I was interested in slept with 3 guys or 300. What I care about is whether or not she’s responsible when it comes to her sex life.
Sleeping with multiple partners is fine. Cheating is not. Not using some kind of contraceptive is something that gives me the Willies. Learning she hadn’t gotten tested regularly and responsibly would make me not want to do date her. It has nothing to do with how many, rather it’s about “how does she take care of herself?” And what’s forcing you to tell the guy anyway?
Your number is your business. You certainly don’t have to share it with anyone at any point you don’t feel comfortable doing so. If you’re into a guy, go out with him. If you don’t want to tell him your number then don’t. If you think he’s the kind of guy that would slut-shame you then you shouldn’t push for a second date. Any guy who’d slut-shame you for sleeping with 40 guys is the same person who’ll slut-shame you for sleeping with 4 guys. Bottom line: A number’s just a number, and an ass-clown is just an ass-clown.
Counting down,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
"Have I Slept With Too Many Guys?" [Ask A Dude]
