In college, it’s almost expected that you’ll have an adult sleepover or two (or too many). Your undergrad experience isn’t complete until you and your roommates all return to the same suite, where you wake up the next morning and dining hall brunch in style. Even if you wind up in an upperclassmen dorm that’s oddly hard to find your way out of (do they make them all mazes on purpose?), you can easily be prepared. In fact, my little’s mom even made her a “Shack Pack” that consisted of baby powder, wet wipes, and gum, so she’d always be ready.
I bet you thought that dating in college would be a magical, romantic experience, full of beautiful candlelit dinners, gorgeous jewelry, and the tall, dark, and handsome man of your fantasies. The reality is that most collegiate “dates” involve a few too many Vodka Sours and a surprise slumber party (with 100% less hair braiding than an actual sleepover). Real talk: the most romantic college date you’ll have is if/when he offers to take you to breakfast the next day. Whether you’re faced with a walk of shame that would disgrace your family’s name or a stride of pride that has you practically skipping home, these are your shack pack necessities.
Unfortunately, you can’t always guarantee keeping a low-profile on a walk of shame (see also: “Touched a Butt Strut” or “Got Laid Parade” if you’re with friends). I had the misfortune of spotting a professor after an “Office Hoes and CEOs” party lasted until the next day, and I’m pretty sure she didn’t think I was taking an early Saturday morning trip to corporate America. I know Cosmo tells you to casually pair your dude’s jeans with sequins for a look that “flawlessly transitions from day to night!” but the reality is that pairing your super slooty spandy dress with a pair of his boxer shorts is less than stealth. By rocking his enormous pants and calling them “boyfriend jeans,” you’re not fooling anybody. The real option is usually donning his childhood boxers printed with Snoopy or athletic shorts that haven’t been washed in weeks, and wouldn’t you rather keep your clothes? There’s nothing worse than returning to a dorm to pick up panties, or worst of all, jewelry. You’re already guaranteed to run into your blackout beau all over campus for the rest of eternity, so you might as well perfect the Irish Exit strategy early.
Everyone knows that shacking always happens when you least expect it. It’s inevitably when you haven’t shaved in months because you’ve been hibernating for winter, not when you recently received a particularly painful and pricey pikachu wax. It’s when you haven’t done laundry in approximately three and a half years and are forced to wear your rattiest, most ancient American Eagle period panties, not your brand spanking new lacy Hanky Panky’s that are the incredibly uncomfortable (but cute!) hybrid halfway between boy shorts and butt floss. By preparing, you’re basically guaranteeing it won’t happen (kidding, kind of, I think), but with a shack pack you’ll come prepared, always, and here’s what you need:
Start with blotting papers, so you can erase the sweat from your Nicki Minaj moves at the bar completely (you’re pretty sure you gave this dude a sneak peek of Anaconda, only in daylight he’s no Drake). From there, move on to powder so your skin will look naturally porcelain, like a baby doll, Pretty Little Liars style. You want your gentleman caller to think you’re Beyoncé, and like Queen Bey, you should look like you woke up like this, not like you went to the mall for a makeover before your Glamour Shots were taken. There’s no need to bring every Naked palette you own with you. If you have cream blush, rub a little in for a “naturally” flushed face. If you’re really struggling, pop some lip gloss on your cheeks (fair warning– you’ll want to wash it off immediately to avoid a trip from blackout city to breakout city). Then, grab a mascara test tube and do a swipe or two and you’re golden. If you’re really feeling ambitious, feel free to stow a tiny perfume sample, granola bar (in case you get hungry), and a change of shoes so you’re not forced to limp across campus. If you’re lazy like me, make sure there’s someone you can call that loves you enough to drive a block across campus to come get you. You’ll feel like a celebrity (by celebrity I mean LiLo during her blackout Escalade escapades).
Now that you’ve snuck into his bathroom and rifled through his medicine cabinet, feel free to help yourself to his toiletries. I suggest a little bit of lotion (real talk: all boys have some) to remove the raccoon eyes that shackers are required by law to rock the next morning. Then, fashion yourself a finger toothbrush with his toothpaste. You’ll feel like Laura Ingalls Wilder when it comes to ingenuity. By the time you climb back in bed, he’ll be telling you how gorgeous you look in the morning, and you’ll be laughing all the way to (avoiding) round two.
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