Hey Dude,
I’m not sure if I consider him an ex boyfriend because we only ever hung out as friends. Anyway, he wanted me to pay for our get togethers. He also has deferred loans, and would invite me to his 4th of July parties. He tried giving me a beer once, but didn’t know that I don’t like the taste of a lot of beers and liquor for that matter.
He states he was good to me until I disrespected and annoyed the hell out of him, but he initiated contact with another girl. The reason he was annoyed is because he stated that I could message him whenever I wanted, and didn’t care. He would answer me almost right away, but then one week he started ignoring my messages instead of telling me they were bothering him. Then at one point he told me he couldn’t see us as friends at all. He took offense that I didn’t like him staring at my breasts because I felt he just wanted a friends with benefits relationship, but he wanted something more from the relationship. He has alcohol problems as well.
He wouldn’t initiate dinner dates or anything. He also claims I never supported him in his goals, but I did give him support. I even encouraged him. He enjoyed it when I joked with him, but he eventually found the jokes offensive and annoying even though he jokes a lot about things himself. It seems that he only sees my jokes as offensive.
Can you give me insight into what he is thinking? I know you can’t possibly get into his head, but he has not unfriended me on fb. That kind of bothers me.
Sincerely,
Beary concerned friend.
Dear Beary concerned friend,
You’ve got this sorta-ex-but-not-really-ex person that keeps sending all these mixed signals. And he’s got alcohol problems. And you are trying to get into his head. There’s really not a whole lot to get into his head about. There’s also no good reason for you to get into his head. I’m more interested in your head. What do you want from him? Do you just want to be friends? Do you want to be more? Do you see him as a FWB? Do you want to save him from his problems? Do you want to get back at him for being an a-hole? I keep trying to figure it out but I’M FAILING! (end scene, thank you Diane Wiest)
No, but really, what do you want from him? If you want him to straighten up and fly right then the whole situation’s really out of your hands. As far as his problems go, they’re his to work out. You either support him or you enable him. Allowing him to get away with stupid sh*t and jerking your chain is enabling him. Telling him flat out what you’ll put up with and what you won’t put up with is supporting him. Him being too blind, emotionally, to listen and keep screwing with you is his mess to deal with. Your action becomes simple: Get away, keep away, and stay away.
Why wait for him to unfriend you on Facebook? Why don’t you unfriend him? What is it you think you’re holding on to? The most important thing you can do is to take control of the situation. Don’t let his reactions dictate what should happen and how you should feel about it. The key is to tell him exactly what you want, what you need from him, what you’ll put up with, and what you won’t put up with. Then, he’s going to test you. Like a child. You’ve certainly made him sound childish. And if he does test you then you have to hold to the boundaries you’ve set with him. From there he’ll might get pissy or he might actually listen and apologize. If he doesn’t then you follow your own rules.
Forget about his mindset. Focus on yours. Take away any feeling like you’re trying to keep up with his moods, his wants, his needs, and make sure you’re pretty set on your own. That’s the healthiest way to get through this. You’ve given him a lot of control. Time to take some back for yourself. Just be prepared to back up what you say you want and need by having to take some un-fun actions, like unfriending him from Facebook. You can do it. You deserve it. You deserve someone that can be a friend and what’s he acting like isn’t a friend.
Make him give you some of that R-E-S-P-E-C-T,
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
"What The @%$# Is He Thinking?" [Ask A Dude]
