“Why Won’t He Tell These Other Girls That He’s Taken?” [Ask A Dude]

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askadude

Dear Dude,

I have a dilemma. I have a boyfriend of 8 months who dated a lot of girls before me. He gets texts from them all the time and is open with me, and I appreciate it. But he either responds in a nice manner OR just doesn’t reply and of course the girls keep it going. It will be texts like getting invited to go out or lunch, etc. Why won’t he just tell them he is in a committed relationship rather than ignoring them and having these desperate girls text him over and over?

When I get texts from any man other than for business reasons, that’s the first thing I say — I have a great boyfriend and am committed to our relationship.

Thoughts?

Sincerely,

I got a man

Dear I got a man,

You got this boy and he gets a lot of attention from other ladies. What’s cool is that he’s open with you about all the attention he’s getting, but you don’t see him making it clear to them that you two are serious. Which could be why all the attention from these other women won’t go away. Should he shut it down? Would all it take is for him to make it clear that he got you and you got him and all the rest of them don’t mean nothing but a chicken wing on a string? YES! Maybe…

One good thing is that he’s open. That’s going to accomplish a couple things: first off, it builds trust. On the other hand, he’s also, whether he means to or not, is keeping you on your toes about the fact that he’s pretty in demand. That’s the double edge part to this sword of openness.

Letting someone know that you’re in a relationship is usually a safe bet to keep things on a, well, at least respectful playing field. Doesn’t mean the other person is going to stop being interested in you. It does mean that you’ve set the boundaries and, probably, said person will leave you alone for a while.

Your boy should definitely being making it clear, in no uncertain terms, that you two got something serious going on. It’s not just that he’s not available for a cucumber sandwich lunch, he’s not available for anything that has the faintest hint of anything that ain’t platonic. Two questions to deal with: Why hasn’t he and what will get him to do this?

Answer to the first: Could be an unconscious thing. He might not realize he’s leaving the door open. He might not understand that this is one thing about himself that he’s got to make perfectly clear. The other piece of the puzzle could be that he likes the attention. Which doesn’t mean he can’t let them know.

Answer to the second: Ask him if he makes it clear to these girls that he’s taken. Tell him you appreciate how open he’s been with you about these girls trying to hone in on him but that it’s also making you worry a little bit. Tell him you’d feel more comfortable knowing that he’s out there making it clear he’s not available and not interested. Start with what’s good about the situation, and then address your issue. That way you are framing the conversation as something productive, rather than putting him on the defensive.

Now, if he dismisses it, then you got to let him know it’s something that’s causing serious grief. Make it clear. Make it concise. Present the evidence. Don’t escalate until he does. For right now, you don’t have to threaten about how you can do the same thing to the guys who show interest in you, nothing like that — that’d be making the situation A LOT worse — you just approach him like his partner. Talk to him like you two are in a serious thing, with some understanding and lay it out in a supportive but clear way. See what happens then.

Just say “No!”

The Dude

[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]

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