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Can I Get His Mind Off Another Girl? [Ask A Dude]



Dear Dude,

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 3 weeks now, everything has been nice and has gone smoothly. We hooked up after meeting up 3 times, but I didn’t sleep with him; he’s a bartender so I go for a few of his events. I realized I genuinely liked him when I saw girls flirting with him, but then the second time after we hooked up he told me he was on and off with one particular girl, but he still wanted to keep seeing me. What do I do, because I really do like him?



Dear Barbacking,

You’ve fallen for a bartender but he’s got attention divided with another woman. What’s next? Oh, honey…

Before you go there: ultimatums aren’t going to work this time. It’s just not going to be effective because of how long you’ve been fooling around versus him and this other girl. You’re only going to be jumping the gun and making a fool of yourself. Don’t make the demand unless you’re prepared to be dismissed. She was drinking long before you found an open stool to sit on, if you follow the metaphor.

Next potential pitfall to avoid like a St. Paddy’s Day Parade: Don’t try too hard. You’re not in competition. You can’t look at like that. If you do then you’re doomed. The more you try to “win” somebody the more you objectify him and whatever kind of relationship you’re going to have. There’s no competing here. He’s not a prize. You’re not a prize. You’re both people, so treat each other as such. Be yourself. He wants to keep seeing you because he likes you. How much and for what reasons are up to him, but you got this far because of who you are — not because of who you think you want him to be.

There’s no spell or “right thing to do” that’s going to make him give up on his past for you to be his only present. It’ll take time, understanding, and you being willing to accept what you have with him for what it is: you’re seeing each other but you’re not exclusive. Them’s the breaks.

Now, my question to you is: is that enough? If it is then go with the flow. Don’t force him or it to be anything it can’t be right now. If you can be cool to keeping it a bit more towards casual and taking the time to see if it develops then just keeping doing what you’re doing. If you can’t, then get out before you go completely cray-cray. Because that’s where you’ll be headed otherwise.

Don’t overthink. Don’t make ultimatums. Don’t overcompensate. Don’t force it. Accept what it is and decide whether that’s something you can be patient with. Or that you can’t and cut all ties while you have a chance to avoid potential meltdowns.


The Dude

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