Do Guys Really Want the Chase? & Defining the Relationship for Beginners [Dear DBN]

Dating these days is full of rule-bending as gender roles continue to bend themselves. But some of the old guard still stands, and we ladies often feel the pressure to be “ladies.” This week, why it’s in your best interest to be true to who you are and what you want, regardless of how it might make him feel.

“Is there a balance between asking a guy out on a first date and still make him believe he’s the one that’s doing the chasing? Do you think the whole chasing theory is true when it comes to men and relationships? Is the future doomed if the girl’s the one that make’s the first move?”

Here’s a more important question: do you want to date the guy who loses interest in a woman just because she asked him out? In life, you should always be aware of the cliche “you want what you can’t have.” It’s a cliche because it is a rampantly consistent truth across multitudes of people and facets of life. Many people struggle with it every day. And if you want something, you can indeed use it to your advantage. But let’s be clear, using it to your advantage falls under the bracket of “game playing.” Now, there will be people who would advise against this, but anyone who says, “I’m not into playing games,” has either recently had their heart ripped out or is just terrible at the game. Hate the playa, my friend. The key is to find a balance. Dating’s not supposed to be a mind game like chess, it’s supposed to be a fun playground game like tag. It’s full of giggles and wonder and sometimes you’re it, so tag the guy, and run away.

You don’t need to “incept” a man with the idea that he is chasing you. All you need to convince him of is that you are worth chasing. Do boys like to chase? Yes. Do girls like to be chased? Yes. Are gender roles malleable and open to interpretation in the world of modern dating? Yes. We all like people who are brave, self-aware, socially adept, and have their own lives they find engaging and fulfilling. Just be one of those people, and if he doesn’t think girls can be “It” in the game of tag, then you wouldn’t want to play with him anyway.

“I’ve been dating a guy for almost 2 months and last night I tried to DTR. He said that he wants to be exclusive with me and isn’t interested in anyone else, but feels it’s too early to call me his girlfriend and needs more time to get used to the idea because he hasn’t been in a relationship in a few years. Prior to this convo everything had been amazing, but now I’m worried he’s not actually that into me and won’t want to commit. Do I stay and wait? Or do I cut and run?”

Don’t psyche yourself out. You asked the guy you’re dating to be exclusive with you and he agreed. On top of that, he hasn’t been exclusive with anyone in years. You’re a special nugget. And he was clear with you about his feelings. Imagine for a moment one of your friends is dating a guy and she says, “I’m dating this really cool guy. We’re exclusive, but taking things slow…getting to know one another. I’m not interested in seeing anyone else.” Your reaction would probably be laughter and teasing, because obviously she really likes him! There are those of us out there, myself included, who have made it through most of life untethered to anything. Commitment is not hard, it’s simply foreign, and we’d like to get a good look at it before we buy in.

That said, keep in mind what you do want, which is a relationship with a clear future. You’re working in a freelance-to-hire position right now… after a couple more months, it’s worth checking in on the status of your contract.  A lot of people are weird about titles for a myriad of reasons, and your suspicions and worries are not unfounded, but they are a little rash. It’s hard not to want whirlwind confirmations of love, but the truth is, relationships take a long time to build. Stick this one out for a bit, see how Prince Charming is after this DTR, and note where the cards start to fall. His fear is pretty standard and it won’t be the first time you face it. Just make sure to live your life like he might not be part of it – focus on your career, your friends, and your self. He may shy away, but he also might realize what he’s got.

CollegeCandy is excited to announce that we’ve partnered up with one of our favorite Tumblrs, DateByNumbers, to bring you some of her very best dating advice. Each week she’ll tackle your questions. Life, love, sex, the real world…nothing will be off limits. To submit a question of your own, visit her “Ask” page and keep an eye on CollegeCandy every Thursday afternoon!

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