"Is He Judging Me Because My Number Is High?" [Ask A Dude]


Hey Dude,
I was single until I met my boyfriend my senior year of college. This weekend we were talking and the topic of our “number” came up. It was pretty clear that my number was higher than his (because he had few steady relationships before me). I’m worried that he’s secretly judging me. Does he care that I’ve had more partners than he has?
– Double Digits

Dear Double Digits,
I’d first like to send you a metaphorical high five on having achieved, at least what my imagination perceives to be, a fantastic number. Oh yes, I do indeed tip my hat to you, but I digress.
In terms of the question asked, “Does he care that I have had more partners than he has?” The answer is no, no he does not. You say you were single until you met him, and you did what single people do. For this I applaud you, but unfortunately we live in a world of double standards in which men are praised by their sexual promiscuity and women are given labels.
The real truth, the honest truth that you will not get out of most men, is that we are unbelievably insecure about our own performances in the bedroom. We strive (no, we live) for self-gratification, and to that extent, we are very easy to please. We all like to think of ourselves as star players on the field and Casanovas in the bedrooms, regardless of whether our self-perceptions truly match our reality.
With this said, the prospects of a girl with a relatively high number or better yet, a girl with a low number but a number that is still higher than her partner, unlocks a Pandora’s box deep in the farthest regains of our mind. We are faced with questions, unpleasant questions in fact. These questions will run circles through our head, until they slowly leak to the surface engulfing any chance we could have had for an awesome relationship with an equally awesome girl. Questions such as, “Am I the best sex she has ever had? Am I the worst sex she’s ever had? Oh my God, if so, is she faking it? Am I the biggest she has ever seen? Am I the smallest? (Gasp)!” On and on and on, the questions will pour through our tiny little heads, even if said question is far from true. Most of us will never admit to these doubts we harbor, putting up an elaborate ruse of male chauvinistic sexuality, feeding our egos even further. (We like that if you couldn’t tell.)
It is truly unfortunate that you become the victim of this, suffering from this flaw deep within us. You say his number is low due to long relationships; there is no shame in that. In a way, it reflects positively on his character as a person. I can see why you truly want to make sure this doesn’t cause a burden on your relationship. My advice to you is simple; he may indeed be one of the few good ones, the ones that something so trivial as a number doesn’t bother him, but if not:
1. Try to avoid any and all references to your past relations and past sexual exploits. We tend to have a poor time multitasking; if it is not on the table, we’re not thinking about it.
2. Feed the ego. When you are in the bedroom, he is the best you’ve ever had (I’m rooting for him! So I hope he is). If he’s not, well I like to think we are very trainable, so it is up to you to teach him. You know your body better than anyone (except maybe a gynecologist, they are vagina doctors, after all). Teach him, but remember, “It was his idea.”
Double Digits, I am rooting for you. You will forever have a place on my imaginative Wall of Fame. DON’T RUIN IT FOR ME!
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
Check out past Ask a Dude posts here.

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