"Can I Convince My Boyfriend To Have A Threesome?" [Ask A Dude]

askadude
Dear Dude,
I’ve always been secretly interested in having a threesome. In the small hints I’ve thrown at my boyfriend, he doesn’t seem into the idea – he just laughs it off. Should I let him know I’m serious about seeing if we can find a way to make it happen or drop it?
Best,
Three’s Company Too
 
Dear Three’s Company Too,
Upon first reading this, I shook my head wildly in confusion. “What is wrong with this guy?” I wondered. “Doesn’t he see what kind of opportunity he has?” If I had told any other guy about this, the first thing they would have asked me would be: “What is he, gay?” And then it struck me. He’s dating you, so he’s probably not gay. And if your intentions for the ménage à trois involve you being ravished by two gentlemen, I have a closet full of bad news for you. The only way this could happen is if your boyfriend is very deeply tucked away inside said metaphoric closet (but then, have you seen his Celine Dion albums?), or he has explicitly said to you that he has thought about experimentation and had that weird experience with his middle school best friend at summer camp that one time (who he kind of still talks to, but has pretty much fallen off the map after the kid moved to Philadelphia and changed his name to Miguel).
But, naturally, the thought of you (a sizzling hot blonde in white stockings) and your best friend (a smoking brunette wearing six inch heels) modeling this season’s lingerie came to mind (or maybe it was that thing I saw once), and I got back on track. It’s entirely possible your boyfriend doesn’t feel sexually competent enough to pleasure two beautiful women. It’s in the realm of logical thought that he doesn’t think you’re serious. First step: Find a (girl)friend who is down and on call, ready for action. Second step: Cuddle up next to him scrolling through your Instagram and verbally express how “oh my God, doesn’t Denise look awesome in this swimsuit?” He’ll think it’s a trap (and he’s right), but if he thinks she’s cute, he’ll pretend to sneak a look and go back to Netflix saying, “yeah, she’s cute.” Third step: Anniversary coming up? Holiday? Birthday? Parents out of the house? Surprise him! I can almost guarantee he won’t think you’re kidding when you’re both standing in front of him. Just make sure not to make any sudden movements.
This comes with a warning label though: If he really really really really loves you, you two get married (I’d love a wedding invitation), you have all of your mutual friends (read: his best friend, your gay best friend, Denise, and three of your other besties) over for dinner, and Denise is through her fourth glass of wine talking about her asshole ex-fiancé, watch for wandering eyes and extended trips to the bathroom.
I’m rooting for you.
The Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
Check out past Ask a Dude posts here.

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