10 Sexy Things That Are Actually Not Sexy…Like, At All

Sure, some things sound great in theory- or look great in the movies. But let’s be honest, that spontaneous beach romp in the sand won’t be satisfying in the slightest. You’ll be finding sand in places where you don’t want sand for days. Here’s our list of things you should probably avoid. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

1. Sex on the beach (and I don’t mean the drink).

FYI: Putting a towel down won’t help.

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2. Edible underwear.

Get it on, and eat a damn snack after.

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3. Food during sex.

Refer to #2.

4. Washing your car in a bikini.

Unlike a movie set, you won’t have a fan blowing on you and your 85-year-old neighbors really won’t give a sh*t what you look like.

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5. Becoming a part of the Mile High Club.

The bathrooms can barely fit you, let alone another person. Plus, you’ll most likely be holding up a line and making people suspicious.

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6. Getting down and dirty after a big meal.

Do I even need to explain why?

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7. Tearing off your clothes in a throe of passion.

Once the heat of the moment is over, you’ll be wishing you could still wear that overpriced Express shirt.

8. Kissing in the rain.

It’s f*cking freezing, okay.

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9. Talking like a baby.

If you don’t annoy yourself first, you’ll definitely annoy your friends.

10. …or talking dirty.

“You like when I fill you up?”

Umm, am I a gas tank?

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No Jason Derulo. We will not.

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