The Dos & Don'ts of Drunk Sex (As Told By The Dude)

Whether this is your first time or your hundredth time, with a new partner or your high-school sweetheart, you only have a slight buzz or you’re just not sure when you’ll need the nearest toilet, there are certain rules of engagements to drunk sex that should always be adhered to (and probably taped above your headboard, where you’re most apt to notice it).

Here’s a “don’t” list.

Don’t: Be inconsiderate.

If you’re dorming, coming back from the bars after a “beat the clock” or “happy hour” (no judgment), and you send that oh-so-specific text to meet you back at your place, make sure to send a warning text to your suite mates (and at least the roommate). They could be sleeping, studying, coming back from the caf, or doing the same thing you are. Rules still applies for singles in a bigger house; strangers sitting on the couch or standing at the doorway could warrant a call to the 5-0.

Don’t: Go overboard setting the mood.

Listen to me. Throw on iTunes R&B and get busy. Nothing is more unsexy then getting your partner rearing to go, getting off them to perform a quick strip tease, slipping on your discarded shirt, and busting your nose open. Knock it off. And actually, I changed my mind. Nothing is more unsexy than hot wax. Lighting a candle sets ambiance, but God forbid you have them lit too close to your bedspread/curtains/loose clothing after things get hot and heavy. Final answer: Nothing is more unsexy than explaining to the Police Chief and Fire Marshall how you’re sure it wasn’t arson while you’re mostly naked.

Don’t: Try anything fancy.

Stick to the basics, people. This is not the time to bring out the book on Kama Sutra. That thing your yoga teacher said to try can wait. Don’t turn on the shower (we already covered that).

Don’t: Forget a condom.

Have you ever been around kids? More then two and half hours is the best contraceptive I can think of. Plus the benefit of being young and doing whatever you want whenever you want in an attempt to fulfill all your wildest dreams can really be put on the wayside by morning sickness and changing diapers.

But here’s a list of things to “do”!

Do: Tell your partner exactly what you like.

Every time the cops have asked me, “Do you know why I stopped you?” I always resist the urge to respond, “To see if I can read minds?” That goes doubly with talking to any woman. Honesty in the bedroom is refreshing and it sets proper and specific limits, goals to be achieved and fun to be had. A “just like that” or “harder” every now and again keeps everybody on task.

Do: Foreplay.

Just before you think you cannot possibly give anymore, hold out for another two minutes. And then don’t waste any time getting down to it; this reduces the risk of any “member” of the party not “rising to the occasion”.

Do: Drink water.

And a lot of it. Beforehand. Afterwards. During! Ok, probably not during (unless you’re really going at it), but fighting dehydration with this helpful technique certainly helps particular parts of both the male’s and female’s anatomy get ready for action. Plus, if you’re reading this, you’ve probably had a hangover. Do you really want to do that again?

Do: …it again.

Tomorrow morning! Sober sex is the best sex. Physical activity is just as good a hangover cure as any out there. And an orgasm is the most natural pain reliever. Plus, have you had sex? That stuff is great!

Justin Bieber Has A Nicer Butt Than Any Of Us
Justin Bieber Has A Nicer Butt Than Any Of Us
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