Where would we be without Facebook? Sure, you may not use it all that much nowadays. In fact, the less you use it, the more I probably would get along with you. But even though it might have been knocked down the pedestal behind platforms like Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and, now, Periscope (whatever the hell that is), there’s no denying that Facebook, back in the day—aka 3 or 4 years ago—was the place to be. From updating your status (OMG, the new AIM away message!), to uploading albums of – >[Summer 2O11]<—, it is what you used to not only connect with your friends, but to show off how cool you were.
Now? It’s rare do I scroll through my Facebook timeline, only to ‘x’ out and wonder why I am even still on it. Facebook has changed. It’s either that, or I have gotten older and I am the one who has changed. I don’t blame Facebook. Mark Z. is a genius and one of the richest men in America. He clearly knows what he is doing. The problem is, do we?
Facebook is not…
… Your political platform.
You know what I hate about politics? There is no winner. You can debate for days and days and days and days about your right or left side views, but ultimately there is no winner. Sure, I guess if you want to get all technical about it the President is kind of the winner, but my point is that it is just, ultimately, a matter of personal opinions. I am not going to pretend to be well-versed in politics, because I don’t know the first thing about politics. But you know the place I won’t go to in order to become well-versed in politics? I won’t be going to the same place I used to upload albums of me attending my junior prom to. If you’re that all-knowing in what is right for this country, by all means, run for office.
… Your church.
You know what I hate about religion? There is no winner. Yep… Just like politics, you can argue your views until you are blue in the face, but at the end of the day there is no winner. I love that we live in a country that you are able to worship whoever the hell you feel like worshipping—God, Satan, Buddha, Messiah, Taylor Swift, Baby goats. It doesn’t matter who or what; if you have something you believe in, my God, with all that you have, believe in it. Whatever gets you through the day.
But just because you believe in something, you don’t need to impose those beliefs on someone else, and you definitely don’t need to do it on social media. Make a poster-board picket sign and yell at me in the subway about how I need to be saved like a normal person for God’s sake. Or, if you want to get all fancy about it, get certified as a pastor/priest/rabbi. Doesn’t matter. Just keep your preachin’ off my timeline. Can’t you see we’re all trying to have a good time here? You’re being a buzz kill.
… Couples therapy.
What I am about to say is not something I say lightly: If you have, within the last few years, changed your relationship status to “It’s Complicated,” delete your Facebook. Now. Don’t walk, run your fingers over to the “open new tab” in your browser, and go to Facebook. Log in, go to settings, and deactivate your account. Don’t fall for the trap when they ask when you will be back. Let’s just go ahead now and say never.
You may think that because I am “friends” with you that I care about every little fight between you and “bae.” But I think I speak for all 1,245 of your FB friends when I say IDGAF. We might throw in a “like” or comment, just for shits and giggles. But the kind of caring you need right now to support this kind of relationship isn’t what you are going to get on Facebook. It’s the kind you can only get in therapy.
… Your mirror.
If you need Facebook to see what you look like (and I am assuming you do because why else would you upload 5 bathroom mirror selfies in one day?) then please private message me your name and address and I will personally send you a mirror, because this is getting out of f*cking hand.
… Your diary.
Do you know how much a diary costs? Very little. I know because I am ADDICTED to Staples and am there almost every day. And you know the best part about having a diary? The diary doesn’t talk back. It won’t give you shit for your relationship problems, religious views, or political opinions. It won’t ask you to stop being so vain, or judge you for posting a mirror selfie without cleaning the mirror first. It won’t upset you and it won’t cause you to have to delete statuses because you offended that random kid from 6th grade who took your joke the wrong way.
At the end of the day I guess the jokes on me, because Facebook is exactly all of these things… and that’s the problem.
The people who use Facebook for these things just aggravate those of us who are using it for the right reasons. What are those reasons you ask? Oh you know… just off the top of my head…Humblebragging. Cyberstalking. A place to upload your pictures to so they can stop taking up so much space on your phone but you don’t have to permanently delete them forever. Making sure your ex hasn’t moved on. Conducting investigative research on a person you haven’t met yet. Weeding out the fake friends from the real ones based on who never misses an opportunity to “like” something you post, etc.
You know, healthy and productive things like that. Duh.