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32 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Beauty And The Beast’

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Beauty and the Beast Alabama

Disney

*SPOILERS if you had no childhood.

1. Human beast is like that guy you lusted over in college because, I don’t know, he played lacrosse, but you couldn’t tell anyone you liked him because he was actually super racist, probably sexist, and a generally terrible person.

2. Okay, I was worried, but Emma Watson’s singing voice is actually lovely with autotune.

3. It’s much, much better than Emma Stone’s in LaLa Land. Don’t get me started.

4. Emma Watson looks more like Belle than the animated Belle looks like Belle.

5. Was that…was that a Harry Potter joke?

6. It was. It was a Harry Potter joke.

7 Honestly, your life doesn’t look that bad, Belle. This French village has a great aesthetic.

8. Josh Gad was a seamless casting pick as Lefou. Although I keep picturing him as Olaf lusting after Gaston.

9. “I use antlers in all of my decorating,” is such an underrated line, you guys.

10. Credit: Belle, inventor of the washing machine. TOO MUCH erasure of women’s accomplishments in history.

11. I don’t know that my first reaction to a talking teacup would be to run away. I think I’d linger, perhaps strike up a conversation.

12. Okay, Belle pushes her father over so hard when she’s trying to get him to leave the castle! That was an unnecessarily hard push, Belle. There may be some underlying issues there.

13. The Beast is not super good at flirting.

14. I feel like she’s petting a dog in this scene. This makes me uncomfortable.

15. THAT TURNAROUND WAS SO FAST!! HOW ARE THEY FRIENDS NOW?

16. Seriously, that’s all it took? That was the fastest juxtaposition I have ever seen.

17. I guess he is kind of hot, for a…beast? Pretty eyes. Oh, God.

18. Gifting her the library in his castle is kind of a weird move. You know? It’s like if a guy who was obsessed with you gave you a movie, but you were only allowed to watch it in his house. It’s a power-play.

19. Belle is altogether too forgiving of this whole being-held-captive-because-your-father-stole-a-flower-from-my-tree-and-I-tend-to-overreact situation.

20. “New and a bit alarming” is RIGHT, Belle. You’re attracted to a buffalo. With stunning blue eyes.

21. Why is the wardrobe suddenly able to make that iconic yellow gown when before all she could make were horrendous revolutionary-era French pieces?

22. Why do I want them to kiss? Ugh, this is like Teen Wolf.

23. Wow, Gaston is like Trump. Dude can NOT handle rejection.

24. I just found myself thinking, “Use your magic to get out, Hermione!” Oops. Wrong movie.

25. OMG, the cutlery is fighting humans, but for some reason this is so suspenseful!

26. Okay, I know how this ends, so why am I crying?

27. DON’T DIE, BEAST!

28. Oh, thank God. Wait, did he die for a moment? Did his heart stop beating? I think this happened on Grey’s Anatomy once.

29. “Could you grow a beard?” is so tongue-in-cheek but I cannot stop cringing. Why did you say that, Belle?!

30. HE GROWLED. Oh, no.

31.  I know Lafou is the wildly controversial gay character, but I really am feeling some chemistry between the clock and the candlestick.

32. That was incredible. Let’s get down to business for live-action Mulan!

 

COLLEGECANDY Writer
Writer. Boxed mac & cheese aficionado. I tried to start a girl-band when I was 12.
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