College: a gateway to four years of socially acceptable hoe-ing. Now is the time to get out all of your wild sexcapades and experiments, right? No. Now is the time to avoid sexual encounters that will only induce deep regret and traumatic flashbacks to said encounters for the rest of your life.
Here are four sex experiences you just might want to avoid.
1. One night stands.
Between awkwardly scrambling for that spare condom you’ve kept in your wallet since freshman year to the walk of shame the next morning in the same thotfit you wore to the club the night before, one night stands are just messy. What if you can’t find that condom? What if the Walgreens next to you is closed? Does the idea of an STD sound enticing? Do you want a baby daddy? If your answer is yes to these last two questions then proceed. If not, then you can just avoid this experience all together.
2. Public sex.
You know what’s really awkward? Scrambling to find your underwear as a cop knocks on your car door. Public sex sounds like it’d be a thrilling, steamy experience, but most of the time it either ends with your lady bits painfully brushing against unidentifiable objects (sex on the beach, hello) or being caught by unsuspecting (and now potentially traumatized) bystanders. And of course, there’s always the risk of being caught by public officials, like this one couple in Wisconsin that was brought into police custody for having sex at a state fair.
Threesomes are nothing but a prolonged, painfully awkward series of fails in every way possible. They rarely ever work out like how you see them portrayed on TV, and attempting to reenact what you’ve seen in porn invites only more trauma and awkwardness to the situation. In the most ideal scenario, threesomes should involve three people who all know each other, none of whom are in an exclusive relationship. When a couple gets involved, there is always a risk of jealousy on their end. And most of the time, while two people are hooking up, the third person is left on the sidelines awkwardly watching the fun take place without them.
4. That older man.
Ah yes, a fling with the hot older man you met on Seeking Arrangement sounds enticing. But eventually, you’ll get bored of having to scramble for your clothes and exit the house before his daughter comes home from school. Plus, the dynamics of the relationship just become weird. You’re in your twenties and probably want to hoe out while they’re probably looking to settle down with marriage if they’re not already on the brink of a mid-life crisis.