"I Was A Homewrecker. Now What?" [Ask a Dude]

Dear Dude,
So…I did something bad. I’ve been friends with this guy Justin for a long time, and he’s dating this great girl, Gia. Well, after a little too much drinking last weekend, Justin and I hooked up at a party when Gia wasn’t around. I know it meant nothing to him, but I know she’s going to find out – we had witnesses. What do I do?
Best,
Regretful Homewrecker
 
Dear Regretful Homewrecker,
I truly hope for your own sake that Gia isn’t a faithful reader of our site. While finding out one’s boyfriend’s indiscretions from a friend is bad, finding out via the Internet is worse. In situations such as this, it is very easy for others to judge; to judge you, to judge Justin, and to judge the potentially “home wrecking” situation that has been created. There is no question that those who were witness to you and Justin’s hook up judged you. Just as I am sure our readers have already judged you, and well to my own shame so did I upon first reading your question. So I ask, who are we, who are perched so high above others and have the ability to look down and unfairly judge another; judge another for a deed that she clearly regrets, a deed which she wishes to rectify, and a deed that has led to her seeking the help of a stranger in order to move forward? For that Miss Regretful Homewrecker, I offer you my sincere apology.
Moving forward with an open mind, your present situation is one that neither yourself, Justin, nor Gia will escape unscathed. As I am sure you have already realized, you are on the cusp of potentially ruining a relationship and/or losing a long time friend, but there may be a way for you to retain some dignity, that is if you can be honest with yourself. Given the current circumstances, do not be surprised that “when” Gia finds out (there is no IF she will find out), that you may end up being both the target for her rage and the center for blame for the entire situation. While it does take two to cheat, despite what some may think, many times emotions and love cloud the indiscretions of the one party making it shall we say “easy” to forget and forgive, while blaming the other; all the while thinking of them as a temptress, harlot, and “boyfriend stealer.” As unfair as this may be, you and Justin both made your choices that night.
“But Dude, there was alcohol involved.” Ah yes, the “blame it on the alcohol” (man I like that song). Within my vast experience in inebriations, I have found that there are only a handful of levels of drunkenness that can lead to either a full-on black out or an inability to know what they are doing. Out of these levels that do exist, many of them usually end up with one urinating in a closet, passing out in a bathtub, or waking up naked in a pile of your own vomit with no recollection of how you got there with a smiley face on your butt. If any of the above is how your night ended, you may have a fighting change at using the “we were too drunk” excuse. Again, you must be honest with yourself. I did not say this to give you an excuse for what happened, but to make the point that most of what happens when you’re drunk is still within your control (most but not all). That alcohol, like many magical potions, has this mystifying ability of evoking a confidence deep within ourselves allowing us to say the things we think but are too afraid to say, to act in away we wish to act without the fear of judgment from others, and to seek out our true desires despite what we consciously know we cannot have.
I say this not to lecture but to ask. Do you like Justin, more than just a friend? While I understand that your first reaction may be one of defense, let’s be honest with ourselves here, if the answer is yes it makes perfect sense. Most time in a friendship between a guy and girl, especially one that has been established for some time, there isn’t a single unexplainable drunken hook up; especially when one of the friends is in a relationship. Usually there is a history of drunken hook ups, sober hook ups, past dating, or some other form of romantic tensions that can explain a “spontaneous” drunken hook up.
You say you have known Justin for a long time and refer to Gia as “this great girl he is dating.” This leads me to believe you have known him longer than he has known Gia. You have also mentioned that you know that the hook up had meant nothing to Justin, but how do you know this? Did you discuss it with him, and most importantly, what did this hook up mean to you? The point I am trying to make is that clearly you care for Justin, whether this be as a past love or as one he has neglected to notice until now; and it is your relationship with him you seek to both maintain if not explore further. The fact is that Gia will find out from either Justin or other onlookers (never from you that will make things worse and upset Justin), but before she does, you need to make sure you talk to Justin first. You need to talk to him about the hook up and about what it meant to you. You need to talk about what his friendship means to you, what yours means to him, and above all you must be honest with him and yourself about your true feelings that you have for him. This won’t save his relationship but will hopefully save your friendship, but remember while breaking up a relationship is bad, lying to yourself and running from love is worse.
I wish you the best of luck, you are surly going to need it.
P.S. – If I’m wrong, you might have to do some serious evaluating of the drunken you and be prepare to suffer the backlash. Remember if all else fails, than make like Calvin Harris and “Blame it on the Night”!
Regards,
Dude
[Got a Dude itch you just can’t scratch? Sick of trying to come up with a not-totally-crazy-girl way to bring it up to your guy friends and get their take on things? Totally over over-analyzing the cryptic messages he leave on your Facebook Wall? We got your back, girlfriend. Send your question over to askthedude [at] collegecandy [dot] com. The Dude won’t sugarcoat it, beat around the bush, or any other weird cliche that means lie to you. Like a nice, juicy hot dog, he’ll be 100% real beef, 100% of the time. So bring. it. on.]
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