Because It’s Growing Quickly, Here’s The Official Kardashian Family Tree

At this point, it’s very hard to keep up with the Kardashians. Their family has gone through so many marriages, breakups and (recently) pregnancies that it’s no easy task to remain aware of what reality TV’s first family is up to. Who’s pregnant? Who’s engaged? What’s happening?

Their family tree is growing exponentially, so here’s your helpful, expert-level cheat sheet to everything you need to know about the Kardashian/Jenner fam before the next episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians.

Kris Jenner

Kris Jenner is the trunk of this tree. She literally invented the word “momager” and she is the mastermind behind the multimillion-dollar Kardashian empire, collecting ten percent of the profits from a cosmetics brand, a denim line, overpriced contour kits and Tao appearances of yore.

Partner: Kris Jenner is currently dating Corey Gamble, Justin Bieber’s (more on him later) former tour manager. Their relationship seems pretty solid and Corey definitely appears to be a very nice guy who actually loves her. Charmingly, Corey also loves her children as his own and genuinely enjoys being with Kris despite the fact that she will one day rule our earth with an iron fist. Nothing but respect for MY First Lady, Corey Gamble.

Kris was married to Robert Kardashian, a successful attorney, for 13 years. After an affair, the two divorced. About a year later, Kris married Caitlyn Jenner, an Olympic athlete and motivational speaker. They were married for over 20 years, but divorced before Caitlyn’s highly-publicized transition. They are no longer on speaking terms as a result of Caitlyn’s memoir (read: tell-all), in which she described Kris as a control freak, among other things.

Children: Kris and Robert Kardashian had four children: Kourtney, Kim, Khloe and Rob. Kris and Caitlyn had two children: Kendall and Kylie. The children are where the true drama begins, but first, we have to dive into the most irritating branch of this tree.

Caitlyn Jenner

Caitlyn Jenner was born Bruce Jenner, identified as male at birth. She won several Olympic medals and make sports history, but she also carried a very deep secret about her own sense of her gender. Eventually, Caitlyn came out as transgender. She is a public speaker, activist and former star of her own reality show.

Partner: Caitlyn Jenner has been married three times. She was married to Chrystie Crownover for nine years, Linda Thompson for five years and the aforementioned Kris Jenner for nearly 25. She is currently single.

Children: Caitlyn has a whole lot of children. Burt and Casey are her two oldest children, followed by Brandon and Brody, and then, of course, the next generation of rulers, Kendall and Kylie. They were born to Chrystie, Linda and Kris, respectively.

Kourtney Kardashian

Kourtney Kardashian is the stereotypical oldest child. She tends to be a bit tough, with a steely outer shell and a very strong attitude. She also has my personal favorite voice of the family and I revel in any and all impressions of Kourtney. Though she doesn’t tend to be as forward-facing or press-happy as her siblings, Kourtney is the one behind Dash, the family’s successful line of high-end boutiques. She’s also the only one with a college degree, which sounds nice.

Partner: Kourtney was in a long-term relationship with the notoriously ill-behaved Scott Disick. She refused to marry him, both because of her own commitment issues and his irresponsible behavior, for about 11 years. Kourtney and Scott dated from 2006-2015. After Scott, it was rumored that Kourtney had a short fling with Justin Bieber. Ironically, Scott Disick is currently dating Sofia Richie, Justin Bieber’s ex-girlfriend. That said, Kourtney wins over them all because she is dating a stone-cold fox, French model Younes Bendjima.

Children: Kourtney has three children with Scott, Mason, Penelope and Reign. They are all incredibly adorable, even after we saw Kourtney pull one of them from her own womb.

Kim Kardashian

What is there to say about Kim Kardashian that hasn’t already been said? If Kris is the trunk of this tree, then Kim Kardashian is the sun that gives it life, the soil on which it stands and the leaves that never seem to actually die, no matter what season it is or how many times people have tried to mow the damn thing down. She is the most famous person in the world, arguably one of the most beautiful people alive and the face that launched 1,000 brand sponsorships and #ads.

Partner: Not many people know this, but Kim Kardashian was actually first married when she was only 20 years old. Her first husband isn’t that important, but if you’re truly curious, his name is Damon Thomas and his Wikipedia page automatically directs to a movie and/or production duo that nobody has ever heard of. After her divorce from Damon in 2004, Kim was in a long-term relationship with football player Reggie Bush, but he wasn’t down for her lifestyle and broke up with her to marry her literal twin. Eventually, Kim let the pressure of societal expectations affect her judgment and married a Frankenstein called Kris Humphries, a hell fully explored on Kim & Kourtney Take New York. They separated after 72 days of marriage but weren’t legally divorced for another two years because Kris wanted to turn his 15 minutes into 30. Kim finally found her true love with rapper Kanye West and they’ve been married for over three years now.

Children: Kim has three children with Kanye and they are the most beautiful beings in existence. North West (our eventual queen) is a style icon, Saint West is the cutest baby of all time and newborn Chicago West who Kim is making everyone call Chi. Baby Chi was born on January 15, 2018 via surrogate.

Khloe Kardashian

So, if Kris Jenner is the trunk of this tree and Kim is everything that gives it life, Khloe is the most relatable thing about the whole fucking tree. Khloe is the funny one and she’s been the voice of reason for many seasons of KUWTK, as well as the comic relief. She’s the founder of a body-posi denim line and also inspires audiences with her E! show, Revenge Body. She hasn’t had an easy journey, but it seems that things are taking a positive turn for Koko.

Partner: Khloe dated a string of duds before her whirlwind romance with NBA player Lamar Odom. Khloe and Lamar fell madly in love quickly and were married after less than a month of dating. Eventually, their issues came to the surface and she filed for divorce. The separation was put on hold after Lamar overdosed and Khloe stepped up as his primary caregiver. Khloe dated French Montana and James Harden after the LO split, but it seemed as though neither could give her the fairytale romance and family she wanted. Reports say that Khloe’s found that classic love with Tristan Thompson, a star basketball player for the Cleveland Cavs and the hottest guy in the NBA. #Sports. Their storybook romance is slowly falling apart because Tristan was caught on film cheating on Khloe multiple times. When will Khlo catch a break?

Children: Khloe has been vocal about her desire to start a family, but after some fertility issues and failed relationships, it just didn’t seem plausible. Now that she’s in a healthy, stable relationship, Khloe is pregnant with Tristan’s seed and are expecting around early April of 2018. Khloe finally gave birth to a baby girl on April 12 in Cleveland, Ohio. She revealed the baby’s name True Thompson on Instagram. Turns out True is a family name. The Kardashians are always full of surprises.

Rob Kardashian

Rob Kardashian is the black sheep of this Givenchy-clad herd of Swarovski-encrusted, high-end lambs. Rob has struggled throughout his time in the public eye, unable to find his professional or personal footing. He’s currently the head of his own sock line, Arthur George, and is focused on healthy self-improvement.

Partner: Rob dated a few famous faces, his most prominent ex being Cheetah Girl Adrienne Bailon. Adrienne eventually revealed that Rob cheated on her multiple times throughout their relationship, which caused the breakup that many think sent Rob into a tailspin. After Adrienne, Rob dated Rita Ora, whose likeness he thought would be a good idea to get tattooed permanently on his body. Rob shocked the whole entire world when he revealed that he was dating Blac Chyna, Kylie Jenner’s infamous Eskimo sister. Rob and Chyna went through their own TV spinoff, a whole lot of drama and a puzzling/concerning Instagram incident. They are now broken up.

Children: Rob is the father of an adorable daughter, Dream.

Kendall Jenner

Honestly, Kendall Jenner is incredibly boring, if not successful. By some definitions, Kendall is a supermodel, appearing on runways and fashion magazines all over the world. She is the least dramatic of the family, her hijinks reduced to occasional appearances on the show and mostly loosely-related controversies in her likeness.

Partner: Kendall tends to keep her private life on the DL, though occasionally reports surface about her alleged exes and hookups. It’s said that she dated A$AP Rocky, Harry Styles and Justin Bieber, but those were mostly unsubstantiated other than occasional paparazzi photos. She’s allegedly dating Blake Griffin, an NBA player.

Children: Kendall Jenner is the sole possessor of true freedom from the grasp of Kris’ future army. She has no children or fetuses to her name, though I assume she will eventually. Maybe not. More power to her.

Kylie Jenner

Kylie, Kylie, Kylie. When this tree dies out and the earth is barren, when the last laugh is had by either D*nald Trump or Kim (not Kardashian) Jong Un, when we all cease to exist and life as we know it is a meaningless chasm, her lip kits will be the sole survivors. From the ground, they will sprout more and more lip kits and a new society will flourish. Somewhere, in a place of judgment for which I can not speak and decide, Kris Jenner will smile and nod. She will know that she has succeeded. Kylie’s own brand is, in my opinion, the strongest. Her cosmetics constantly sell out, her Instagram photos rarely get less than ONE MILLION likes and her personal life is the subject of public fascination, as well as scrutiny and scorn.

Partner: Kylie Jenner’s first high-profile relationship was with Tyga, a branch that fell off this tree and thankfully blew away in the wind. Before Tyga, she dated Jaden Smith, but they were very young. When she was slightly less young, Tyga entered the picture (YIKES) and they made their love official. After a few years together and a lot of drama, Tyga and Kylie broke up. Quickly, Kylie started dating Kanye West’s protege, rapper Travis Scott. They’ve been together for several months now.

Children: Shockingly, Kylie Jenner is pregnant and gave birth to her first child Stormi Webster on February 1, 2018. Since pregnancy rumors started circulating in fall of 2017 Kylie went on a social media hiatus. Only to emerge months later announcing that she was pregnant and already gave birth.  Kim, Khloe and Kylie will all welcome children in the new year.

There you have it. It’s the circle of life. We’re all just trying to keep up.

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