I’ll be honest: sometimes it’s hard to find stuff to write about from The Hills. Something new, at least. And last night’s episodes was one of the most difficult yet, due to the fact that every conversation had was just a recap of the one in the scene before it.

Take Kristin and Brody, for example. She tells him that Jayde texted her and wants to meet up. Then the next scene is Brody shooting pool and telling Frankie and that other hottie that Jayde texted Kristin and wants to meet up.

MTV expects me to work with that kind of crap?

Anyways, since there wasn’t really much to cover last night I decided to break the episode down into a fun little list. So here 10 notes/thoughts/things from last night’s episode of The Hills.

1. Heidi tells her therapist, “I think [Spencer] wants kids and he doesn’t know it yet,” then reveals her plan to trick him into being a dad. Which might be the scariest thing of all time. I don’t think Spencer wants kids. I don’t think Spencer can handle kids. And I know for sure society can’t handle a mini Speidi. Please stay on your birth control, Heidi. Please

2. Jayde should be in Twilight. Or Lord of the Rings. I’m sure the girl can’t act, but at least that black hair/pasty skin combo would fit in somewhere.

3. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I never understand why all these people meet up at bars and restaurants to have their fights. When Kristin and Jayde met up to pull each other’s hair and call each other names, Kristin ordered a perfectly delicious Gray Goose and soda but called Jayde a “huge bitch” and stormed about before it even arrived. What a waste of good vodka! Read More »

Which bitch wants him more?

The main reason any of us watch The Hills is because the lives of all those pretty people in L.A. are more exciting and dramatic than our own. They go out to fabulous clubs, they eat at the best restaurants, they drive the nicest cars and they hang out with the prettiest people.

And they get into bitch brawls at the bar.

But, to be honest, the big fight between Jayde and Kristin last night at The Playhouse was nothing compared to the ones I’ve seen in real life. Not to mention, I’m getting quite sick of The Playhouse. Why is that the only bar they’re going to? What happened to Le Deux? H-Wood? That sh*thole Stacie used to work in?

Anyways, I understand fighting over Brody Jenner – he’s a fine piece of man-meat – but fight like you mean it, women. Throw some punches! Pull some hair! Break a bottle over someone’s head! (Sorry, I’ve just always wanted to see that in real life.) Do something instead of using words that you know MTV is gonna have to bleep out.

We all know that Jayde knows how to get in a real bar brawl; she did it just last month with Joe Francis. Why couldn’t she bring some of that heat last night? Seriously, what does a girl have to do to get some real drama around here? You better step up your game, Kristin Cavallari and co., or I’m gonna have to knock you out of my rotation to make room on my DVR for The Ruins. At least I’ll see some blood. Lord knows I’d rather see that than Brody’s mom’s thong hanging out of her jeans. (Didn’t notice it? Lucky…)

But it’s all OK. Despite the lack of chick fighting (and an unfortunate view of old-woman booty), there were two very key moments that made last night’s episode of The Hills worth watching: Read More »

The Jackson family reality show is a…reality.

Please don’t let this Josh Duhamel stuff be true.

Divas unite at the Europe MTV awards.

Can his hands tell you if he’s a jerk?

Jennifer Lopez is a little bit naughty.

Is it just me or does Kristin Cavallari have a really big head?

My Tuesday nights typically look like this:

After class I put on my workout clothes and head over to the gym for a 5pm yoga class. When yoga is over and I’m good and centered (and quite limber), I head home, cook myself something healthy (last night it was chili…good thing that happened after yoga) then run to my friend’s apartment to get inspired by The Biggest Loser. And drool for Bob. And when that two hours is done and I’m feeling happy, good and healthy…I come home and watch The Hills.

Which makes me feel shallow, angry…and in the mood for something unhealthy and dipped in chocolate.

I know that no one is forcing me to watch this sh*tshow, but no matter how annoying it has become, I’ve been watching these kids since the beginning and I refuse to quit now. Mama didn’t raise no quitter! But that doesn’t mean I don’t hate all 22 minutes of it. Two of which (yes, I was timing it) were taken up by long and angry stares last night.

I guess my main problem with the show these days is that MTV isn’t even trying to convince us of its reality anymore. It’s like they know we’re hooked so they don’t even try to explain anything. Whereas it used to be that they claimed these kids were living their real lives in their 20’s and MTV was just along for the ride, now no one works, but everyone seems to live in giant houses and drive around in $80,000 cars. Read More »

Does RPatz have a drinking problem?

The Olsen twins are designing clothes for us!

Is Kristin Cavallari killing The Hills?

Andre Agassi’s got a big secret!

Why do guys dump women after sex?

Stars come out to honor MJ in L.A.

"I may have cut my hair, but I'm still a huge ass-face."

If there’s one thing I hate more than Heidi Montag’s long, skeletal fingers, it’s girls, like Stacie, who wear ill-fitting bikini tops guys who play games. And when Justin Bobby plays games that just takes things to a whole new level.

Back when JB was doin’ his thang with Audrina, we hated him for many reasons. Obviously, he was treating her like dirt, but he also had long, greasy hair, wore ugly hats and burped at the dinner table. G-to the-ross. When Krisin came into the picture it seemed that, much like his hygiene, Justin Bobby had cleaned up his act.

Well, how wrong we were. It looks like you can take the dirt out of the scumbag…but he’s still a sh*tty scumbag.

I’ve dealt with guys like Justin. They have low self esteem and need to take control of any situation, no matter whom they hurt. So they do something crappy, then follow it up with a grand romantic gesture, then do something crappy once again. And the saddest part? It’s effing working!

Kristin is playing into his little game just as easily as Audrina did. She may say she’s gonna kick him to the curb after strike three, but she’s just as pathetic as he is. And you know she loves they way she looks in a motorcycle jacket far too much to give up the rides on the back of Justin’s bike.

The only person more pathetic than Kristin is Jayde. Or maybe Holly. No, definitely Jayde. It’s not Holly’s fault that MTV gave her a drinking problem to increase the show’s ratings. And besides, she’s a hilarious dancer (did you see those moves a la Drew Barrymore post-pot brownie in Never Been Kissed? Amazeballs.); I hope she doesn’t to go “rehab” any time soon so this show can get some much-needed comic relief. Read More »

So The Hills was on last night. 22 minutes of bikinis, bitching and Spencer in a cowboy hat. And seriously, that’s about it. While I usually stare at the TV open-mouthed at the absurd drama happening over in Hollywood, last night I just sat there, eyes glazed over with that “Whaaaa?” look you’d expect to find on Caitlin Upton’s face.

I just had so many questions. So instead of breaking down the happenings of The Hills this week (which was: Brody had a birthday, Jayde hates Kristin, JB stood Kristin up, Audrina is going out with a new guy who drives a pick-up and likes Tool), I’m going to focus on getting those questions answered.

Please assist.

Question 1:
Seriously, how is Stacie part of this crew now? Can someone please explain how she went from random bartender macking on Spencer and hated by all to Kristin’s new BFF who sleeps over and drinks Cosmos in the morning?

Question 2:
Hey Kristin, you want some flowers and Japanese symbols tattooed on your lower back to go with those cheesy and lame stars on your foot?

Question 3:
WHAT THE EFF IS UP WITH JUSTIN BOBBY’S STOMACH TATTOO? Read More »

Much like Larry David, I don’t tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. My gut instincts have gotten me this far in life, so I tend to stick with them whenever I’m faced with a new decision.

However, sometimes, as in last Tuesday when I was watching the season premiere of The Hills, my heart gets in the way and I make a poor decision.

Poor decision #1: baking brownies and thinking I wouldn’t eat the entire tray.
Poor decision #2: giving Kristin a chance to fill my LC void.

I wanted to like Kristin – really, I did. She is spunky and blunt (like me) and she has the kind of perfect hair and style that I strive for. Basically, she’s a much better version of me. Or so I thought.

After last night’s episode I think I might hate that bitch (MTV’s words, not mine) more than Spencer Pratt. Yes, even after he kicked an adorable child out of his house. And no, it has nothing to do with her choice to wear white shorts and white Keds after 1995. Read More »

Heidi: "What's that smell?" Spencer: "Must be those burritos."

It’s time!

After months of waiting (and trying to avoid anything and everything Speidi-related), The Hills back. Yeah, it’s without Lauren, but she was getting boring anyway. It’s one thing to love her as a person (which I do), but it’s quite another to love watching her on a show (which I slept through).

So bring on Kristin!
Bring back Jusin Bobby’s berets!
Give Stephanie Pratt a cookie!
Give Spencer Pratt a labotomy!

And bring on the drama.

In case you missed it/want to reduce your IQ 100-150 points, Speidi has been doing some sort of live stream leading up to the season premier. Personally, I would rather get a poop facial than support anything those turds do, but someone sent it to me and now I can’t look away.

I. must. look. away.

Anyways, sit tight. Only 20 more minutes until the BIG PREMIER! I’m gonna go cut up an apple for a healthy snack. Wait, who am I kidding? I’m running to the corner for some cookie dough ice cream. I’ll be back!

9:51 PM: Ok, so this ice cream is really good. Not so good: watching the Speidi wedding all over again. She’s wearing my dream dress, that whore.

9:59 PM: What the hell is this Valemont shiz?

10:00 PM: It’s so weird hearing this raspy voice as the new narrator.

10:02: Kristin slapped Lauren? God I hope she smacks someone this season. And I love how they will give her “the benefit of the doubt” and be her friend. Read: “we wanna keep making sick amounts of money by being on this show so we’ll hang out with her.” Read More »