If you needed another reason not to have sex with animals…

Someone needs to call the ASPCA on Selena Gomez

Got a noisy sex problem?

It was only a matter of time before Lifetime went there

Leighton Meester is a runaway bride

3 Reasons to keep your panties on

Yum, do me.

Snag Kristin Cavallari’s look for less

How to apply false eyelashes

In the Greatest Debate of our Time — Team LC vs. Team Kristin –  I was very firmly Team LC. I found Kristin to be beyond obnoxious — so brash, dramatic, tacky, and over-the-top. LC was someone I actually wanted to know; Kristin reminded me of too many girls I did know. Because LC was so low-key and chill, she didn’t make for terribly exciting TV, so everyone called Kristin the “breakout star” of Laguna Beach…and we see how that turned out. LC is a New York Times bestselling author and has a successful clothing line…and Kristin is on Dancing With The Stars (ABC’s definition of “star” is getting looser and looser, isn’t it?). That said, there must be something in the DWTS water because lately Kristin has been spotted looking pretty gorge and sexy. (Still Team LC all the way though.)

Everyone raise your glasses for I would like to make a toast!

Today marks the 140th birthday of our good and loyal friend, Vaseline.  Here is to all of those good times we’ve had when we’ve needed you most. I keep you by my bed, in my bag, and in the car. I pick you up, dip my finger in your gooey residue and primp and prime to my utmost pleasure. You’re cheap, you’re handy, and you’re my BFF.

Cheers.

Seriously, after finding out it was Vaseline’s 140th birthday today, I went to find my own container and rubbed that shiz all over my elbows in celebration. This stuff is the best and, like any cheap vodka, it’s a college girl’s BFF.

Why, you ask?  Let us list the ways.

1. It makes your eyelashes grow: As long as you aren’t shacking up with the cutie you’ve been studying with, lather Vaseline all over your purty eyelashes overnight and watch them thicken and grow like a Chia pet come morning!

2. To Soften your weines [pronounced: wee*niss]: Vaseline is a great pick-me-up for dry elbows.

3. To Pimp out your cuticles: Store a mini-Vaseline container in your purse and utilize for emergency dry cuticle moments. And if you just really want an excuse to not take notes in lecture.

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Cee-lo gets a (hilarious) radio edit.

10 signs you’re o-v-e-r your ex.

Kristin Cavallari has a new boy toy.

Mango hits JC Penney. And we want it all.

The Spice Girls get a musical. Sorta.

Love is a beautiful thing.

"Let's go to this relaxing yoga class and disrupt everyone while we gossip in Downward Dog!"

With the series finale of The Hills coming up next week (moment of silence….) it seems the producers tried to pack as much as they could into last night’s episode. For the first time in history we only got one long stare (between Stephanie and her motorcycle man)! But that might have something to do with the fact that Audrina was M.I.A. And besides the gratuitous 30 seconds of booty shots before the crew walked into the club, most of the episode was actually things happening:

Stephanie Meets a Boy
And despite Brody’s attempts to scare him off, her weirdly giant hair on their date, and the fact that she can’t drink, he actually likes her! I still don’t understand what the big deal is about ordering soda on a date – both of them mentioned feeling weird about it – but whatever. Steph has her own sorta-Justin Bobby now so yay for her.

Mama Montag Comes to Town
And Holly puts on all the makeup she has on her vanity to welcome her. Seriously, she looked like a Geisha. I was sorta hoping we’d see Mama bang on Heidi’s door and then get dragged away by the cops as Spencer threw crystals at her, but all I got was a little crying over brunch. There’s always next week, right? RIGHT?! Read More »

Jelly shoes are one thing, but jelly BOOTS?!

Brody Jenner and Kristin just don’t do it.

Are Brad and Angie gonna tie the knot?

What can hipsters wear in the summer?

Why you should stay Facebook friends with your ex.

Wonder Woman gets a MAJOR makeover.

"You're so funny, Will. And cute. Did you hear that, BRODY?!"

Have you ever tried eating animal crackers while watching The Hills? I have…out of a Costco basin…. and those little guys are so crunchy I couldn’t hear a thing. I can’t tell you how many times I had to rewind the show so I didn’t miss anything important. Which, as it turns out, was a total waste of time once I actually listened to what was going on:

“Justin just grabbed my ass. Both cheeks.” – Audrina

“Brody was so mean last night.” – Stacey
“Who does he think he is?” – Kristin
“He’s such a jerk” – Stacey
“I know.” – Kristin

“Whatever it is it is; whatever it will be it will be.” – Faux-losipher Justin

But the monumental 100^th episode of The Hills wasn’t all dumb comments mumbled by pretty people/me thinking about the 50+ hours I’ve wasted in my life watching this show. Things actually happened! Frankie wore a Speedo and Aquasocks! Audrina wore an itsy, bitsy bikini on a surf board! Stephanie Pratt was slightly hilarious! Read More »

One of my biggest issues with The Hills is that all these kids have a ton of money and do nothing all day. Wait, that’s not where I meant to go with this. I mean, yes, that is a big issue, but not my point. My other biggest issue with The Hills is that the producers make ridiculous things happen and never really fully develop them. Fine, MTV, you don’t want to explain how Kristin became BFFs with the bartender Spencer was flirting with 2 seasons ago? Whatever. And OK, I’ll buy that Kristin and the rest of the girls are fine and that her really big, really serious coke problem just sorta went away. Much like Holly Montag’s drinking problem.

But don’t bring Justin Bobby in all his greasy glory back into the picture and just gloss over his past with Kristin. THAT I WILL NOT STAND FOR, MTV.

I know it’s making for a much bigger scandal to shove stinky JB between Audrina and her cartoon character boyfriend, Ryan Cabrera. I know that Audrina and Justin Bobbo have a more complicated past than he did with Kristin. I know that it only makes sense to stir the pot with Audrina because she’s dumb enough to go back to the guy who broke her heart a thousand times…and also wears combat boots to the beach. Read More »

As we all know (hopefully), life in our twenties is not anything like that portrayed on The Hills. We will not be living in our own mansions or beach houses when we graduate college. We will not have closets full of Louboutins or friends with private airplanes. We will not spend our days eating at the finest restaurants and awkwardly staring at our friends across the table as Top 40 music plays in the background.

The show is just not real and it’s nearly impossible for anyone watching to relate to the lives those girls lead.

But for the first time last night, when Kristin and Stacie went on their man hunt, I actually did. Sure, Kristin was wearing designer clothes I’d never be able to afford and was drinking white wine at the bar (something I’d never do), but I finally felt like I could identify with her. I know I’ve had plenty of those nights where I make it my mission to get out there and find new boys. I put on my hottest outfit, add a little volumizer to my hair and prepare myself for a night filled with crowds of hot guys buying me drinks. Only, when the night actually happens, I end up sitting in the corner with my girls eying the door in hopes that someone hot will walk through it… and the only guys talking to me are the weirdos or the super old creepers who smell like body odor. Read More »

OK. One question: where were Spencer and Heidi on last night’s episode of The Hills? I kept waiting for them to show up at the bar, sit down with Stephanie and Lo on their double date, and pop out of the couch cushions with some healing crystals when Kristin and Brody duked it out. But they were nowhere to be found.

Did they roadtrip to Mexico to get Heidi bigger boobs?
Go on a retreat where they sacrificed baby goats in the name of their new cult leader?
Kidnap Enzo and hide out in their house until Us Weekly promised them another cover?

The show just wasn’t the same without them. Sure, watching Kristin fail miserably at this whole “I’m really cool and I totally don’t want a relationship with Brody” facade was fun to watch, but it would have been way better if Spencer was there to slam some doors and perform healing breathing exercises. And watching Heidi try to emote would have been far more entertaining than watching Brody stir up the drama pot by throwing his new chicadee (a brunette LC look-alike) into a boiling pool of bitch. Read More »