Easy on the soda water, homegirl.

A couple of days ago three bars at Penn State were fined for “lack of alcohol training.”

What?!

What exactly were those bartenders doing wrong to piss off the authorities? How hard is it to open a bottle of Bud Light or mix vodka and tonic together? It’s not like us college kids are ordering difficult drinks like mudslides and daiquiris at the bar. I think I speak for all of us when I say the only qualities I’m looking for in a bartender are speed and a heavy hand (well, the hand that’s holding the booze). And if they’re a bit slow at math and can’t add my tab correctly, that’s OK too.

The thing is, bartender experience is the least important offense when it comes to college bars. There are far more pressing and disturbing issues that should be addressed. And fined. And fixed!

The Line
I don’t mind waiting in line if the bar is hopping – I’ll just sip my 40 while I wait – but making people stand in line when the bar is empty only to make it look cooler? That should be illegal.

Watered Down Drinks
I did not pay $7 for soda on ice; if I wanted that I would go to the McDonalds down the street and get unlimited refills for a dollar. If I order a Cran-Vodka, I want it to sting as it goes down, not taste like I could put in my 3 year old cousin’s sippy-cup. So stop filling my mini-cup with ice to make me think I’m getting more booze and tip that bottle in there. I’m paying you more for this one drink than a full bottle at the liquor store so stop being so damn stingy. Read More »

"I'm smiling but if she doesn't take out the garbage soon I'm going to punch her in the face."

Did you ever wake up, peer out groggily from under the sheets at your roommate who is still passed out in her bed across the room, and wonder why the eff you two are living together? Sure, it seemed like a good idea last year when you perused flea markets for cheap futons together. It even seemed to still make sense just a month ago when you were first getting used to each others’ loveable quirks. But then one day, it just hits you, like a shot of tequila.

Who is this girl that you thought you knew?
Why does she do that weird sh*t all the time?
Most importantly, how are you going to survive the year without completely snapping and throwing a beer can at her head?

I really hope none of you are going through this, but if you are, I can relate. As I type this, I am being serenaded by Lauren, my cute-as-a-teacup friend and roommate. I’m not sure what song it is, but I’m fairly certain it’s from the musical, Rent (I loathe musicals). She has a lovely voice, and who doesn’t enjoy the occasional serenade, right? Well, it happens to me probably three to five times a day on average, and it’s ALWAYS when I’m trying to actually accomplish something school-related. I don’t know why she can’t sing at me when I’m procrastinating, painting my nails, watching It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia online, or just sitting around, which, realistically, is 75% of the time. Why is it always when I’m busy? Read More »

What is it about professors?

Usually, I’m not the kind of girl to find much older men attractive. I guess I just like ‘em bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. I know it’s perfectly normal, and even expected, for women to date older men, but I don’t see the appeal of it. I’ll take Zac Efron over George Clooney any day of the week.

I just don’t get it when my friends talk about how hot George Clooney is. Isn’t he, like, 50? I mean, come on. His skin is so leathery I can almost smell it. And when Monica dated Richard on Friends, I cringed every time they kissed. Mostly because Tom Selleck looks like my Uncle Dennis, but still. Am I really supposed to find the bushy mustache sexy?

But then all that changed a couple months ago as I sat taking notes in class…

Maybe it’s his bifocals. Maybe it’s his silver hoop earring, or his penny loafers, or the fact that he bears a striking resemblance to Benjamin Bratt (with wrinkles and gray hair). But I’ve got a serious thing for my over-the-hill film professor. It doesn’t help that his name is Mark Robinson, which has inspired more than a handful of before-bed daydreams featuring myself murmuring the phrase, “Are you trying to seduce me, Professor Robinson?” as he slowly reveals his argyle knee socks.

The way he lectures is just so…passionate. I have honestly learned more in his class than I have in any other one this semester, and it’s not just because I show up to every class and hang on his every word.

The class meets every Tuesday night from 6:00 to 10:00. First we (passionately) discuss readings, and then we watch a film together. So in my deranged and perhaps delusional mind, Professor Robinson and I  have already been on several dates. What? … He turns off the lights, and he sits in the row RIGHT next to me! It counts. It does.

Shut up. Read More »

Every week I make a list. Not a grocery list or a to-do list…or that list, because I don’t really do groceries (there is a reason why they deliver pizza) and to-do lists are totally not my scene (if such a scene even exists) and, unfortunately, I haven’t added to that list in quite awhile.

No, this list is a top ten-style countdown about the hard-hitting issues, like which mash-ups are the best ever or which apps rock my world.

This week I’m focusing on the “click click flash” that consumes your weekend. You go out, someone inevitably breaks out the camera (every 4 minutes) and you start posing like you’re ready for the cover of Nylon. Great idea, but these pictures are going to end up on Facebook for the world to see the next day when you’re sober. Oof. And with today’s technology, you might be even caught in real time.

Who’s guilty?
Actually, who isn’t? Read More »

Week after week (after week after week…), CollegeCandy and our pal John bring you some of the weirdest, funniest, and saddest things he hears on his college campus. And we know he’s not the only one who hears this stuff. Join the Overheard revolution! Listen in on some weirdos’ conversations and share them in the comments or send ‘em over. You know there’s a lot of funny things to be heard on your campus, so get to it. We’ll throw them in a future post!

(Two girls in the dining hall.)

Girl 1: God, I am seriously the best wing man ever!

Girl 2: Well, who’s your wing man?

Girl 1: (Pointing to her breasts and shimmying) I’ve got two.

(Man, woman, waiting in the lobby of a hair salon.)

Man (looking in mirror): What do you think? It worked for Wolverine, you know.

Woman: No. It wouldn’t work for you.

Man: It’s … it’s working already. Read More »

One weekend, I went to a mixer at one of the best frats at my school. They had a huge party coming up and the only way to avoid waiting on long lines is knowing a brother very well, if you know what I mean.

Four (…or five or six) drinks later, I found myself chatting with a slightly creepy and indisputably not-cute guy who claimed to be roommates with one of the coolest, hottest members his pledge class. I figured he was my “in,” my protection from shivering in a line for two hours while my buzz drifted slowly away. So I turned on the charm, laughed at his jokes, touched his arm.

Yet even in my state of inebriation, my creep-dar started bleeping. Something was off about this kid and I couldn’t quite figure out what it was.  I decided to ask him some questions to verify his so-called brotherhood.  Our conversation: Read More »

I wish someone would have taken that bottle of cran away...

I’d consider myself a seasoned formal veteran. As such, I have acquired a bit of wisdom as far as formal do’s and dont’s. Whether you are a freshman going to formals for the first time or even a senior not affiliated in the Greek circuit, I have chosen a recent and epic failure at Greek formal-ing that will hopefully teach you from my mistakes… or at least give you a good laugh.

The Blind Date

Blind dates are quite common in the formal world. Twice now I have agreed to help out a friend of a friend who “just can’t get a date.” This would be the red flag for most girls – why on earth can’t this dude nab a date?! -  but I, blinded by naivete and the prospect of free food and drinks, always acquiesce. My second transgression was just a few weeks ago. We get to the place, which happened to be a $30 cab ride away, making my chances of leaving slim to hitchhiking. We pre-gamed in a hotel room, where my date doted on me. And by “doted,” I mean basically poured booze down my throat. I even started pouring drinks down the drain out of fear of being too drunk around strangers. (Go me!)

We get to the formal and since he planned it, he left me every 5 minutes to “take care of things.” He couldn’t get me a wristband for whatever reason but brought me a flask of vodka (red flag #2). I decided to have a little chat with him about expectations, which was me conveying my disinterest in anything but “cutesy dancing” and eating and drinking. As well as I thought that went, when we got to the dance floor it was obvious that “cutesy dancing” did not register on his radar, or that maybe he thought grinding me against a wall was cute. Read More »

[It's pretty obvious that the average CollegeCandy reader has some very strong opinions. Opinions that she likes to share with everyone on the site. We love a strong woman, so we thought we'd give her a real forum to discuss her thoughts, feelings, and perspectives. Every Friday I'll be featuring a hot topic (like the ever controversial jeggings!) and leaving it up to you, the readers, to duke it out. So, read it and get your debate on in the comments section below!]

The time has come once again to start picking classes for spring semester (really? didn’t we just do this?) and my mind turns to places that won’t be covered in grey slush come January. Places with warm, sunny vistas and boys with sexy accents. In other words, places abroad.

The appeal, of course, of study abroad is distinctly held in the ”abroad” part. It’s a chance to go off and live somewhere exotic, and yet, have the safety net of a very specific purpose and time period (not to mention a built-in group of people who speak your language). With study abroad, you get the chance to soak up a new culture and really be a part of it, instead of the way you rush through on vacations. Plus, you can go to a place you’d never really be able to afford to live in and because of the school, you can make it work. Read More »

With my midterm exams finally over, I’m taking this opportunity to do a little midterm reviewing of my own. Now seems to be the perfect time to reflect on the first quarter of my freshman year and to start looking forward to the rest of the semester, the next semester, and, well, just the future in general. As scary as that sounds.

When I first started counting down to college, I was doing so with a level of excitement you’d expect from a kid who has just eaten four bowls of sugary cereal. I couldn’t wait to get out of high school and show my stuff at an institution of higher learning, although admittedly, the idea of college itself was fairly daunting (living among 22 year-olds/life without Mommy and Daddy/doing my own laundry/etc.). Towards the end of the summer, the dream started to become a frightening reality. Was I ready? Could I handle college life? Would I get a roommate from hell?!

Then, college. Ahh, college. Orientation was definitely awkward at first, but a few weeks into school, I was absolutely loving it (and, of course, I still am, in spite of all the reading I have to do for class tomorrow). I got extremely lucky and quickly became friends with my hallmates, and as classes started, I began developing friendships with people who share my passions, understand my sense of humor, and appreciate my personal brand of insanity. Weekend movie marathons and game nights became my weekly rituals. Read More »

"Ok, so I'll do all the work and you'll take all the credit. Sound good?"

Your midterm is assigned and not only is it a group project, but you can’t even choose who you’ll work with. Your T.A. reads off your group of four then gives you the last half of the class to discuss your ideas. You pull your desks together in a mini circle and start the introductions.

It only takes you five minutes to realize that this group is not going to work.  Between the kid who’s only showed up to class twice and the girl who speaks maybe three words of English, it’s going to be a disaster.

With only two weeks to complete both a four-page paper and a 5-minute presentation, you need to get to work quickly. The group spends ten minutes coming up with a topic and the next twenty trying to find a time to meet that works for all of you. Unsuccessfully. One kid holds an on-campus job at the library, one girl is heading out of town for the weekend and you all have 3 other midterms that you need to somehow complete.

The rest of the class starts packing up and – seeing a giant D in your near future – you decide to take charge.

“Ok, we’re going to break up the work. We’ll each take a portion of the paper and we’ll put it together at the end. Then we’ll use class time next week to write up our presentation. Good?”

The group agrees – most likely because they don’t want to spend another second in this classroom. You get everyone’s email address, divvy up the sections of the essay and go on your way. Read More »