Dear Lindsay,

Word on the street is that they’re trying to make you go to rehab and you say no, no, no. While Amy Winehouse turned that jam into a monster hit, do you really want it to be the theme song to your E! True Hollywood Story? I have to be brutally honest with you, Linds; you’re not looking good. We all see that damaged, over-processed hair and all that chain smoking as if your life depends on it.

Remember when you used to look like this? Now, you’ll be lucky if you don’t crack that orange, leathery face of yours.

And here’s an FYI: just because pills are “prescribed” doesn’t mean you can down them like Tic-Tacs. Have we learned nothing from the loss of Heath Ledger last year? Granted Heath was a sexier blond than you will ever strive to be, you don’t have to drown your sorrows in a water bottle filled with vodka. Yes, we’ve caught on to you.

So what’s next for you, LiLo? We are all waiting with bated breath. Do you honestly want to say you hit your peak as a Mean Girl? That your last stab at acting not only didn’t make it to theaters, but went straight to ABC Family!?

Can’t you see that you’ve hit rock bottom? I thought it was blatantly obvious when you accepted the role in I Know Who Killed Me. Perhaps you were trying to relive the twin glory that you received from The Parent Trap, but playing the part of a strip club amputee and her equally mutilated twin sister was not your finest hour. And from I’ve seen of your pole-dancing skills, I’d urge you not to quit your day job. Oh wait – you’ve already done that. Read More »

Anyone who knows me know that I have a weak spot for funny people. Like, really, really ridiculously funny people. If you can’t make me laugh, then I want nothing to do with you. On the flipside, if you can make me ROFL, there’s a place in my bed heart for you.

And if your name is Amy Poehler, I’ll even share dessert with you (and I don’t share dessert with anyone).

I’ve been crushing on Amy hardcore since her early days on SNL. Amy’s quick wit and perfect timing proved once and for all that women don’t have to be ugly or lesbians to be successful comedians, and I tuned in every Saturday night to get my weekly dose of Poehler. She made a name for herself almost immediately, and was probably the only cast member who could fill Tina Fey’s shoes…er…chair on Weekend Update.

But Amy Poehler isn’t just an improv genius; the woman can act and has found herself in some of the best comedies everrr. Remember her infamous role in Mean Girls? How could you not? What about Wet Hot American Summer? Or Deuce Bigalow?  Amy stole the show and put those movies on the top of my “Best Movies to Watch While Stoned” list.  Needless to say, I was ecstatic when I found out about her NBC show, Parks and Recreation. And she didn’t disappoint.

Part of me wants to hate Amy Poehler for stealing my Hollywood boyfriend, Will Arnett, but I can’t. In fact, if I was gonna lose my future hubbie to anyone, I’m glad it was someone as talented, beautiful and effing hilarious as her. I just hope that one day I can get in on that shiz. A threesome with Poehler and Arnett? Probably the only thing better than an Arrested Development marathon.

To this day the meanest thing a friend has ever done to me was not invite me to a party, but that doesn’t even compare to what happened to a 19-year-old New Jersey woman who was abandoned  in a rural wooded area in 8-degree weather by her three “friends”.

Maria Contreras-Luciano, Amber Crespo, and Dyanne Velasquez, planned the attack for a month because they were angry over an insurance claim made by the victim. The victim arrived at Crespo’s home to meet up with the three women and then drive together to a party. Police said the victim noticed that her friends weren’t dressed for a party but was reassured by a dress hanging in the car.

Instead of driving to the party the girls dragged the victim from the car, leaving her with only one shoe and a dress in the frigid cold.

A motorist  stopped and let the victim use a cell phone to call one of the women who abandoned her but refused to give her a ride. Finally, she flagged down another driver who took her to a hospital where she may need surgery on her frostbitten feet. The suspects are being held on $200,000 bail and face kidnapping, assault and conspiracy charges. This takes frenemies to a whole ‘nother level.

 What was the meanest thing a friend has ever done to you?

Move over, David Beckham, there’s a new soccer hottie in town.

5 potential boyfriends that you already know!

Ali Lohan is too cool for smiles.

Britney’s dad is taking over…permanently.

Add a little flare to your wardrobe.

The new Guitar Hero World Tour commercial rocks our world.

Should you get the flu vaccine?

A living, breathing Barbie Doll.

Got some extra time on your hands? Volunteer!

Remember when she was in Mean Girls? Looks like Amanda Seyfried is movin’ up.

Is Dina Lohan gonna be on Dancing With the Stars?!

It’s rainy. It’s windy. You haven’t seen sunlight in days, you didn’t do so hot on today’s pop quiz, and you really don’t feel like reading about the Enlightenment for history class. What better way to beat the dreariness and procrastinate than by having a comedy movie marathon to boost your spirits and make you laugh?

When fall settles in and it’s not as much fun to walk through campus on a chilly, dismal day, grab a bunch of kids from your hall, pop some warm, buttery popcorn, and veg out in flannel pj’s and sweats. You’ll feel better, you’ll have fun, and best of all, these movies sure as hell beat anything that sprung from the Enlightenment! Read More »

We’ve reached the mid-way mark of October, and that means that we at CollegeCandy are really psyched for Halloween. We’re definitely still pondering what to wear on the 31st, but when it comes to children’s costumes, there are a few get-ups we’d rather not see prowling the streets.

The following is a list of Halloween costumes for children to avoid, containing several funny, inappropriate, and unsafe outfits we’d rather not see on our younger siblings and babysitting charges. Read More »

I will be the first to say that I think the movie Mean Girls is fantastic: great humor, perfect actor casting and, of course, I (like many) know girls like The Plastics. There was definitely a Regina George in my high school, and even a Blaire from Gossip Girl, and, sadly, there are still a few of them in my life today.

While there are the inevitable “mean girls” in your life, I can’t help but wonder: did these girls exist before shows like Gossip Girl, 90210 or the movie Mean Girls?

Maybe.

Do I think these caddy, petty, deceptive females existed before Hollywood decided to bank on this character flaw? Yes. Do I think they were as idolized, accepted and vicious? No.

I do believe Hollywood has aided in the level of meanness that some females like to inflict on others. Would a bunch of girls from a neighboring high school have vandalized a girl from my high school’s house before vixen Valerie from 90210 inflicted evil on Kelly and Donna? Makes you wonder, doesn’t it? Read More »

Girls are constantly judging other girls.

Girls are terrible to each other.

Girls are each other’s own worst enemies.

But…WHY?

Why is it that guys can be each other’s brothers but girls can’t seem to get it together enough to be each other’s sisters? Why are girls so goddamn catty? Where is the love? Where is the loyalty?

I want answers and I want them now. Yes, I’m being serious. I have questions and I want answers. So, give em to me. Explain the reasoning behind this girl on girl hatred.

1. Why do girls call another girl pretty or skinny with a tone of disgust? You know what I’m talking about. Imagine this sentence being exchanged from one girl to another girl, about a girl passing on the street: “Oh my god…..she is so….skinny…(or, if you prefer, skinnnnayyyyy).” Why the attitude problem? Read More »

I have an inner Chub-Scout. Sometimes, on binge days, she gets embraced a little tighter than usual. I use the term to be funny about it, and it tends to get a laugh, but it’s the bane of my existence.

By looking at me, you probably would just be confused by this statement until you saw me on this “binge” or “cheat” day. I’m your average twenty-something: purposefully purchasing jeans that do not induce OSTS, and have even been called ‘thin’ by the rare observer. Which is nice. But in my head, dear reader, it’s sweet but simply not true.

Bottom line is: no matter how I look now, I was the fat kid.

I know what you’re thinking: if I appear to be an average-sized girl now, what difference does it make that I spent my childhood chubby? The weight didn’t stay with me, right?

Not even close.

A fat-kid complex isn’t something you can shed by counting calories and drinking your eight glasses of water a day. Not when you’ve been on a diet half your life, have dealt with the name-calling and — what can actually be worse — being flat-out ignored. You’re stuck with those memories of the gangly girls in your elementary school classes calling you “fat” with that look of disdain, like you’re a failure at life because you’re bigger. You’re ignored by the boys you have crushes on in junior high and high school, convinced that your fate is to go unwanted.

And so it’s been ingrained in your head. You don’t know why it has to be this way, but what you are is not good enough. Period. Read More »

Men have always ruled the comedy scene. From dynamic duos such as Laurel and Hardy, Abbott and Costello and Jay and Silent Bob to teams such as the Happy Madison boys (Adam Sandler, David Spade, Rob Schneider, Peter Dante, Allen Covert and Nick Swardson) and the Frat Pack (Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, Vince Vaughn, Owen and Luke Wilson and Steve Carrell).

There are virtually no female comedic ensembles who can sell movies like these guys can.

In the stand-up circuit, men generally receive the biggest reception. Recently, I went to a stand-up comedy review that featured twenty comics in one night. Of those twenty, only three women took the stage. Three. WTF?

Women are pretty damn funny, so why don’t we get the same appraisal as men get? Films like Old School put the Frat Pack on the map, while the hysterical chick flick The Sweetest Thing flopped at the box office. The Wedding Crashers cast has people rolling in the aisles, while far too many people have never seen Christina Applegate, Cameron Diaz, and Selma Blair sing The Penis Song.

I took this assignment to cover the 5 Funniest Women out there, but quickly realized there is just too much talent to narrow it down so far. That said, what follows is my personal list of five of the wittiest women in the world, along with some honorable mentions. I welcome feedback, comments, and nominations, because I’m sure I’ve missed some ladies that can more than keep up with the boys. Read More »